Evelyn Reynolds

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    What happens to the children if me and my ex want to live in two different countries?

    By now, most of us will have seen the stories circulating about Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner’s divorce. Whilst some parts are reportedly fairly straightforward, like their watertight prenup, it seems there may be some contentious issues regarding their two daughters and child custody battles.
    Seemingly, the young girls have had their official residence in England, the home of Turner, their mother. However, they are currently living in the United States with Jonas and the couple, after some back-and-forth, including a claim of ‘wrongful detention’ and child abduction, have decided to temporarily keep the children in New York. Child custody battles over the country of habitual residence can be extremely stressful for both parents and children.
    Although this may seem like a dispute only the super-wealthy and celebrities have, divorce cases involving children and two different jurisdictions do happen and child abduction in the context of divorce is more common than we may realise.
    Removing a child or children from the jurisdiction (i.e. from England or Wales) without the permission of the Court or the other parent, if there is a Child Arrangements Order or Residence Order in place, is known as international abduction. Sadly, international abduction is becoming increasingly common.
    Parental Child Abduction is where a parent or guardian of a child takes them out of their country of habitual residence – where they normally live – without the permission of others with parental responsibility or the courts.
    If you plan to move away, particularly abroad, after separating from your partner, it is best that this is agreed with your ex before any changes take place to prevent difficulties arising and potentially contentious and costly court proceedings. Mediation can assist in resolving these disputes and keeping the parents relationship amicable, which is in the children’s best interests.
    You can reach an agreement without using a divorce lawyer, but this agreement will not be legally binding should disputes arise down the line. However, for a legally binding document, you will need to obtain a child arrangements order and you should seek legal advice.
    Adding an international element to the situation throws a further spanner in the works as you as parents, or the Court should proceedings go down this route, will need to decide which country is going to be the habitual residence of the children and therefore where the children will live.
    Child custody battles in divorce can be exceptionally complicated, especially when habitual residence comes into play. However, there are laws in place that protect the children, and the child/ren’s wellbeing, along with the arrangements that will be in the children’s best interests, will be the ultimate focus of the family court.
    Whilst the drama of a celebrity divorce such as Sophie Turner and Joe Jonas’ can seem intense and sometimes overly acrimonious, what is going on behind the scenes is legally difficult as well as being a highly emotionally charged subject.
    Where the children should live if the parents are wanting to split to different countries is usually decided by the court (if the parents cannot agree), but further obstacles can arise with which country’s legal system should make the decision which may be the case for Sophie Turner and Joe Jonas’ girls given that they are currently staying in New York.
    It is essential if you find yourself in a multi-jurisdictional dispute, i.e. child custody battles across two different countries, that you seek professional advice from a lawyer in all jurisdictions concerned to ensure the enforceability of any order made. Our lawyers at Stowe are experts in tricky child cases and will be able to support you, and your children, through your unique situation.
    Useful Links
    Changing a Child Arrangements Order
    Bristol Break Up Club: Will divorce damage my children?
    Co-parenting calmly
    Supporting children through divorce More

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    My ex and I can’t agree on our child’s school

    What happens when separated parents can’t agree on schools?
    Now the autumn term is underway, the admissions window for school placements next September is now open. It’s a big decision for all parents and their children, but for separated parents it can become even more complicated – especially if they do not agree. For some, it can cause considerable tension between ex-partners, particularly as there is a finite deadline.
    Does my ex have the right to choose our child’s school even if I have primary care responsibilities?
    Choosing a school or changing a school can be approached as a standalone issue, regardless of who has primary care responsibilities.
    If your ex has parental responsibility, they have a duty and obligation as well as the right to decide how your child(ren) is educated. Unless there are exceptional circumstances, it is likely that your ex still has parental responsibility and therefore has a voice in the decision of your child’s school.
    Even if both parents have the child’s best interests at heart, this can still mean that they struggle to agree on the right school. A huge number of factors are involved in this decision and ultimately the well-being and education of the child(ren) should be central to the decision.
    Choosing the right school
    When going through a divorce or separation, children can often be caught in the middle of parental disputes.
    Supporting children through divorce can be difficult for parents as they may be experiencing turbulent emotions, however, divorce can have long-lasting impacts on a child’s emotional and mental health, no matter their age.
    Schools are a safe space for children to cope with the difficulties going on at home. They provide routine, structure and community so choosing the right one is very important.
    When considering changing school, and approaching an application, the practicalities of this change should be considered. For example, how the child(ren) will get to and from school, the academic credentials of the institution, and pastoral factors. The emotional and well-being aspect for the child must be central.
    If you can’t agree on your child’s school
    If you and your ex find that you can’t agree on a school, there are some steps you can take before involving the court.
    Having an open and honest conversation with your ex-partner, or anyone who shares parental responsibility is very important. You may find that there is some common ground.
    If you are having difficulties broaching the conversation with your ex, seeking out some professional support, for example from a mediator or even a divorce coach can help.
    Should these methods not work, and you find yourselves still disagreeing, then the matter can be referred to the court through a Specific Issue Order application. The court will consider the position of each parent and order where the child should go to school.
    You can also apply for a Specific Issue Order if you are not the child’s biological parent, but you have parental responsibility. For example, this can apply if you are the child’s legal guardian, or who the child lives with under the Child Arrangements Order.
    The court will be guided specifically by the welfare checklist which is laid out in s1(3) of the Children Act 1989.
    They will ensure the welfare of the child is the primary concern in decision making. This includes the wishes and feelings of the child, depending on their age and understanding, as well as their physical, emotional, and educational needs.
    The court will also consider what the impact of a change of school is likely to have on the child.
    Help with reaching a decision about schools
    For separating and divorcing parents, where their child/children should live and go to school is of the utmost importance. Should you find yourself at a deadlock with your ex-spouse over schooling, there are steps that can be taken, and professional support can be sought out.
    With applications for schools and changing schools now open, these next few weeks could be key decision-making time. There is guidance available to help ensure that your child’s welfare remains paramount, and their educational needs are met, particularly during a time of change in the home.
    Useful Links:
    Webinar: Will divorce damage my children?
    Making child arrangements
    Webinar: Supporting children through divorce
    Child arrangements order
    Effects of divorce on children More

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    Separating after the summer holidays

    The long six weeks summer holiday are finally coming to an end. The uniform has been bought, school shoes polished, new bags lined up in the hallway.
    September is a time for new beginnings, as the school year starts and children go into new classes, or even new schools.
    The start of the school year can be a turning point in relationships, as many who have put up with their spouse throughout the long holidays reach the end of their tether and start to investigate divorce proceedings.
    As divorce lawyers, we often see a rise in people enquiring about divorcing their partner as soon as the kids return to school.
    Looking at these in relation to the summer months, there is a lull as couples and families go on holiday and try to enjoy the (hopefully) nicer weather. August tends to be a quieter month for family lawyers.
    After the summer holidays, money troubles can raise their heads – and this is especially poignant in the difficult economic climate. Not only this, but spending extended periods of time together can expose the cracks in the relationship. Just think back to the surge in divorces after the pandemic lockdowns!
    So, if you are thinking about separating after the summer holidays, what are the next steps?
    Getting a divorce
    Although much of the initial divorce process can be completed online, it is important to seek specialist legal advice, particularly when it comes to your finances.
    The first stage of the divorce process is to complete a divorce application by filling in a Form D8 online or by post. Following this, you will have a 20-week cooling off period before you can apply for the conditional order.
    After another 6 weeks, you can apply to have the final order granted, legally dissolving your marriage. However, this does not automatically break the financial ties you and your ex-spouse had within your marriage.
    Financial settlements
    Money and assets must be dealt with in their own right during the divorce process, otherwise you can remain financially tied to your ex-spouse as financial obligations are not automatically ended when you get divorced. A consent order must be in place to ensure the settlement is final and enforceable.
    Financial settlements can get complicated, which is why we have a network of Financial Advisers, pension, property and budget experts and accountants on hand to support you.
    What about the children?
    The divorce process can be a huge upheaval for children. School and other regular activities provide routine and a sense of security, so keeping this as central is vital for mitigating feelings of displacement and anxiety.
    A poorly managed divorce can have long-term impacts on children, potentially causing separation anxiety in younger children, or resentment and distancing for older children.
    There is professional and legal support available for parents dealing with children, whether infants or teens, and for the children themselves. Information on how to manage children during a divorce can be found here.
    Divorce coaches are very helpful when it comes to dealing with emotional and practical decisions, and expert legal advice should be sought when thinking about child arrangement orders.
    Divorce can be scary, so we have specialist lawyers and professionals to help you every step of the way. Please seek help to support you through this journey.
    Useful links
    Watch Stowe talks – Beginners guide to divorce
    Financial Settlement FAQs
    Avoiding Financial Mistakes
    Helping your children understand your divorce
    Impact of conflict during divorce on children More

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    in Children

    August Stowe Support roundup

    Stowe Support is a dedicated home for Stowe’s free resources designed to help inform and support anyone with family law concerns.
    With new blogs, guides, podcasts, videos and events shared each month, here’s a handy Stowe Support roundup from the past month in case you missed anything.
    Here’s your monthly roundup of Stowe Support resources in case you missed anything.
    Latest blogs:
    Economic abuse in financial remedy proceedings
    Tips for healing after divorce
    Britney, divorce and renegotiating prenups
    How to successfully co-parent
    Why is September a popular month for divorce?
    Book your free webinar place
    Stowe talks – Finding the unexpected joy of heartbreak with Rosie Wilby
    Stowe talks – Creating financial wellbeing following separation with Jodie Phelps
    Listen to Stowe talks podcasts on Spotify:
    Our next series of Stowe talks podcast will be launched soon.
    But you can click to catch up on previous episodes and follow us!
    Stowe Support
    To explore our full range of resources dedicated to helping people with family law matters, visit Stowe Support.
    Here you’ll find a wealth of helpful guides, videos and blogs on divorce and separation, finances, children, domestic abuse, cohabitation, alternative parenting, mediation, as well as support with relationships and wellness. More

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    Why is September a popular month for divorce?

    The impact of the summer holidays 
    September is usually a busy month for family lawyers, as it is a popular month for divorce. There tends to be an increase in divorce enquiries, particularly in comparison to August, which is quieter as families enjoy the long summer holidays.
    In fact, the summer break is sometimes seen as a reason for the rise in divorce enquiries in September. Families commonly spend more time together, and this can expose cracks in the relationship that may not otherwise have come to the surface.
    A similar phenomenon happens every January, termed by the media as ‘Divorce Day’. Divorce Day is the first working Monday of the year and has historically been the busiest day of the year for divorce enquiries, as the impact of a stressful Christmas and New Year takes its toll on relationships.
    For struggling couples, the summer holidays can bring deep-rooted issues out into the open. More time spent together, the need to provide entertainment for children, the financial demands of a holiday, and the pressure of having to be seen to have fun and be a happy family, can push relationships to the limit. 
    One of the key issues we as family lawyers see in September is how money worries surface after increased spending over the holidays. 
    Mortgage rates and economic uncertainty 
    Financial issues often play a significant role in relationship breakdown. They have been cited as the cause for a relationship breakdown in record numbers at Stowe over the past 18 months.
    Money can be a sensitive topic for even the strongest of couples. For those already struggling in their relationship, it can prove to be the final straw.
    Increasing mortgage rates are having a considerable impact on couples in the UK, potentially leading to consideration of divorce.
    Some couples are starting to see old deals (some as low as 2%) expire and new five-year fixed rates reach 6%, potentially more in coming months.
    Here at Stowe, we conducted a survey of 600 people across the UK on how mortgage rates are affecting families and relationships.
    The survey revealed that 82% of respondents have been or will be financially impacted by the inflation of mortgage rates.
    Almost a quarter (23%) responded they can no longer afford to pay their mortgage. Over half of the respondents said they were experiencing friction within their marriage or relationship because of this issue. 
    Over the cost-of-living crisis, divorce enquiries have risen to record highs, with financial issues regularly cited as a primary reason. 
    The economic climate, coupled with the pressure of the summer holidays, could prove too much for more couples, leading to them looking into divorce in September. 
    Financial problems and domestic abuse
    However, even accounting for the ongoing economic uncertainty and the rise in mortgage rates, the rise in September for divorce enquiries may not be as significant as has been seen in previous years.
    Recently, there has been a rise in the number of people who are unable to leave their marriage or relationship due to financial problems. 
    This is all the more concerning for people who are trapped in abusive relationships who are unable to leave their partner because they cannot support themselves financially on their own. 
    Victims of domestic abuse have been hit hard by the cost-of-living crisis. This is because financial hardship is connected to increasing physical, emotional and financial abuse. 
    Furthermore, inflation, and now mortgage rises, may mean more people cannot afford to divorce or separate from their partner, particularly if the abuser is using money as a means to control their partner.
    Will September 2023 be a popular month for divorce?
    For couples wanting to start the divorce process, money will certainly play a role in the decision. However, it will be interesting to see whether the economic environment will swing matters towards the usual September increase in enquiries or whether there will be a drop in couples wanting to start divorce proceedings.
    For those who choose to end their relationship, getting the right support and legal advice is crucial. Anyone suffering abuse who finds themselves in  immediate danger, please call the police. For advice on domestic abuse please call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247.
    Useful links
    Mortgage after divorce
    How much does divorce cost?
    Effects of divorce on children
    Economic abuse
    Holidays with children after divorce
    Legal help for domestic abuse victims More

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    How to successfully co-parent

    A key concern for divorcing parents is how they will continue to parent their children after separation and whether co-parenting will work for them. 
    There is no ‘one size fits all’ approach to co-parenting after divorce and how you move forward will be influenced by your relationship with your ex. For example, whether you are on good terms still, and whether you are both equally willing to cooperate.
    For couples who have divorced amicably and want to continue to work together to share responsibility, co-parenting is a popular post-separation parenting method.
    What is co-parenting?
    Co-parenting centres on collaboration and openness. It works best for divorced or separated parents who both want to continue to raise their children together, despite no longer being a couple.
    Co-parenting plans are unique to each family. This means co-parents can work together to make decisions that best suit their family’s needs. This amicable approach provides a helpful framework that prioritises the best interests of the children.
    How is co-parenting different to parallel parenting?
    In contrast, parallel parenting intentionally minimises communication and collaboration between separated parents. This technique is particularly helpful in divorces that involve domestic abuse, high-conflict, narcissistic partners, or where co-parenting hasn’t been successful.
    Benefits of co-parenting
    Some benefits of co-parenting include:

    Co-parenting can help children continue to feel supported, loved, and connected to both parents
    By maintaining open and respectful communication with your co-parent you can prioritise your children and their needs
    Establishing clear guidelines for co-parenting responsibilities, such as schedules, holidays, and financial contributions, you can help prevent misunderstandings
    Agreeing routines and rules between both households helps provide stability and consistency for the children.

    Tips from a family coach for successful co-parenting
    Co-parenting is an ongoing process that requires patience, understanding, and mutual co-operation. While it may be challenging at times, there are ways that you and your ex can create a successful co-parenting approach.
    Here, Nichole Farrow, divorce and family coach, shares her top tips for successful co-parenting.
    Finding a way to successfully co-parent is vital for your kids’ development and your own mental wellbeing.
    As a member of a blended family, I have witnessed firsthand the impact of painful divorces and feuding parents, which throw a long shadow over family events and future generations.
    As separated parents, it is your responsibility to find a way to co-parent for the sake of your children, and for your own good. After all, your ex isn’t going away.
    With this in mind, here are my top 7 tips on how to co-parent successfully:
    Break your news together
    Start as you mean to go on and break the news of your split together. This shows them right from the start that you are both still there for them. Don’t underestimate how much of an impact this will have on your children. This is almost certainly the most difficult thing they will ever have had to cope with.
    Let it go
    Whatever the reasons for your divorce are, and whoever you feel is to blame, let it go. The person your resentment truly harms is you. You are wasting vital energy that may be better spent elsewhere.
    Your child is not your emotional crutch
    Do not tell your children about the specifics of your divorce, the reasons for it, or how you feel about it. Instead, make sure you have a support network you can talk to, such as friends, family, or a coach, rather than your children. They are not there to serve as a sounding board for your mental health.
    Be mindful of your language
    Never bad mouth your ex to or in front of your children. This puts your children in an uncomfortable position and may unfairly make your children feel guilty or like they have to choose sides. By criticising your partner you’ll more likely cause your children to think less of you, not your partner, and you never know when your words will come back to bite you.
    Do not make them choose
    Your ex is not your rival. Making your children choose between you both will end badly for everyone and cause your children unnecessary upset. Remember, your children love you both regardless of whether you’re married or not.
    Never use your children to get back at your ex
    The damage this will do is unimaginable. Let them enjoy their childhood rather than weaponising their relationship with their other parent. After all, we are all the products of our environment. Being stuck between two warring parents might impact your childrens’ mental health now, or later in life.
    Your child is not your messenger
    Communicating with your ex directly on all matters is crucial to your success as co-parents. Using your children as a go between undermines you both and your united parenting, and again puts them in an uncomfortable place. Whether you’re sharing useful information about the week ahead, or something more important, you must be the one to let your ex know through your agreed communication methods.
    Nichole Farrow is a leading UK-based divorce coach specialising in family coaching for blended families who want to build a harmonious home life where they can all flourish. Get in touch with Nichole.
    Related links
    What the family court expects from parents

    Effects of divorce on children

    7 tips for co-parenting through the summer

    How to support children through divorce

    The rise in birdnesting after divorce More

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    July Stowe Support roundup

    Stowe Support is a dedicated home for Stowe’s free resources designed to help inform and support anyone with family law concerns.
    With new blogs, guides, podcasts, videos and events shared each month, here’s a handy Stowe Support roundup from the past month in case you missed anything.
    Here’s your monthly roundup of Stowe Support resources in case you missed anything.
    Latest blogs:
    The role of a divorce coach
    What is parental responsibility?
    Can I afford to divorce my partner?
    Who gets the mortgage? The new divorce battleground
    The rise in birdnesting after divorce
    Why Barbie and Ken need a cohabitation agreement
     Watch July’s Stowe talks webinar:
    Stowe talks webinar – Understanding and dealing with coercive control with Dr Emma Katz
    Listen to Stowe talks podcasts on Spotify:
    Our next series of Stowe talks podcast which will be launched soon.
    But you can click to catch up on previous episodes and follow us!

    Stowe Support
    To explore our full range of resources dedicated to helping people with family law matters, visit Stowe Support.
    Here you’ll find a wealth of helpful guides, videos and blogs on divorce and separation, finances, children, domestic abuse, cohabitation, alternative parenting, mediation, as well as support with relationships and wellness. More

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    The rise in birdnesting after divorce

    Amid the cost-of-living crisis divorcing parents are looking at new ways to co-parent and manage finances. A growing number of separated couples are choosing to take turns living in the family home to co-parent their children, in an arrangement known as ‘birdnesting’.
    What is birdnesting?
    While the children continue to live in the family home full time, the divorced parents split their time there on rotation, sharing childcare as well as the costs of running the home.
    Typically couples who are birdnesting alternate between the family home and a second lower-cost home, or even staying with friends or family. In some cases, the second home is also shared by the divorced couple.
    What’s behind the increase?
    Birdnesting’s appeal is largely due to its financial advantages. Firstly, birdnesting avoids the immediate need to sell the family home or buy out their ex-partner. This prevents conflict over who should get to keep the mortgage. In addition, separated couples can reduce their housing and living costs by continuing to share responsibility for them.
    As divorcing couples navigate high mortgage rates and the ongoing cost-of-living crisis at this crucial financial juncture in their lives, concerns about funding two homes from the same financial resources that previously funded one are common.
    That we’re seeing a rise in birdnesting during the current economic climate is no coincidence.
    Other key benefits of birdnesting include consistency and stability for children who continue to live full time in the familiar surroundings of the family home.
    In birdnesting, children also don’t have to regularly move between two homes, and they don’t have to move away from close friends and family, both typical in traditional post-separation living arrangements.
    By maintaining some of the existing structure in their lives, parents can potentially limit the impact of divorce on their children’s wellbeing.
    Those in favour of birdnesting say that it allows parents to absorb the biggest changes brought about by divorce, so the children don’t have to. But critics argue that it can be confusing for children and create a sense of limbo.
    Potential downsides
    Despite its clear benefits birdnesting isn’t always plain sailing.
    Challenges can include handling shared finances post-separation, and practical matters like the day-to-day running and upkeep of the home.
    Although aimed at providing consistency to support children through divorce and beyond, birdnesting can be confusing for some children.
    And while you and your ex have chosen to go your separate ways, birdnesting might prevent emotional closure or the freedom you need to move forward.
    Birdnesting FAQs
    Stowe Partner, Bristol-based Joanna Newton, has answered a range of FAQs about birdnesting, to help separating and divorcing parents.
    Why is birdnesting a good idea for some families? 
    Birdnesting works well for families with limited financial resources that will not cover maintaining two family homes that meet the needs of them and their children.
    However, it is a complicated process with lots of moving parts, so is better suited to couples where there is good communication, mutual respect, an equal balance of power, particularly around parenting decisions and clear boundaries.
    What are the benefits of birdnesting? 
    Birdnesting offers children stability in what can otherwise be an unsettling time for them. By keeping the children based solely at the family home, they maintain a consistent routine and structure, and do not have to be uprooted or frequently packing and travelling between two houses.
    Financially, maintaining the family home and finding a secondary, cheaper accommodation option, for example a small rental flat or staying with friends or family, reduces the pressure to cover the cost of running two homes suitable for the family.
    It also allows couples to keep the family home as an asset and build upon any equity in the property. Although, this does mean the couple remain financially tied for longer.
    Why are we seeing an increase in birdnesting as a way to share care of children? 
    As the cost of living crisis deepens, particularly spiralling interest rates and mortgage costs, taking the income used to cover one household and having to stretch to cover two households is becoming increasingly challenging for families.
    Birdnesting removes the need to source two properties suitable to meet both parents and the children’s needs – including staying close to work, nurseries and schools – helping reduce the financial implications of a separation.
    There is the option for couples to remain in the family home together just until they can generate more income or mortgage rates level out and living costs drop. However, this can be challenging and parents must consider the impact of tension and an unhappy home environment on the children.
    What are the legal considerations and implications? 
    Birdnesting does not require any legal involvement. However, there are implications to consider, including financial arrangements and finalising the care of the children.
    Even if both parties agree to birdnesting, they also need to agree on a schedule. When will the child or children will be in their care? Parents can draw up a parenting plan, or in some cases a formal child arrangements order approved by the court.
    There are also various financial implications to consider:

    How will the family home be paid for?
    Who will pay what?
    How will the additional homes and their running costs be covered?
    How long should the property be used for birdnesting?
    How will any equity be split when you eventually sell the house?

    To ensure success, it is important that you consider all matters and agreed from the beginning.
    Birdnesting can also mean that couples remain financially tied together, potentially for a long time, and prevent them from achieving a ‘clean break’.
    What does the family court think of birdnesting as an option? 
    There is limited information about how the family court views birdnesting.
    However, the main consideration of the court will be the children’s best interests and welfare, and whether birdnesting could potentially cause them to be exposed to a risk of harm.
    If you have two parents who are amicable, can work together, and co-parent for the benefit of their children, then the court will consider birdnesting a viable option.
    When does birdnesting not work?
    Birdnesting success relies on a healthy and amicable relationship between two parents.
    If it was an acrimonious split or the relationship involved domestic abuse, then birdnesting is not suitable. In these cases, birdnesting would be harmful and detrimental to the wellbeing of the children and the survivor of abuse.
    It may also cause confusion for the children, as they may question whether their parents have split or provide false hope that parents will get back together.
    Financially, it keeps a couple tied together far longer than they normally would be after divorce.
    Finally, birdnesting can appear straightforward, but the reality is it can be a relatively complicated arrangement that will require careful negotiation, and equal motivation to make it work in practical terms.
    What can help birdnesting work? 
    The success of birdnesting lies with the parents of the children working together and putting in clear and consistent boundaries on a wide range of issues, from parenting and finances, to running and maintaining the home.
    Drawing up a birdnesting agreement that sets out a parenting plan, how financial commitments will be shared, who will be responsible for what in the home, the additional shared accommodation, and what will happen to assets and equity once the house is sold, will all help.
    While not legally binding, it will create clear boundaries and a set of ground rules for both parents to stick to.
    As with any mutual agreement about children and finances after divorce, legal advice is always advisable.
    Useful links
    Can I afford to divorce my partner?
    Mortgages after divorce
    Property and divorce – what happens to the family home? More