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      The negative impacts of physical punishment and psychological aggression on child development are similar in high-, middle- and low-income countries

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      The increased focus on the rights of children worldwide has drawn greater attention to child maltreatment and the lost developmental potential of children who live in difficult social and economic circumstances. Yet depending on economic resources and political and social will, attention to physical discipline remains elusive in several low- and middle-income countries. In the main, such discussions are much needed at the societal and local levels in many of the poorer nations of the world to further advance the rights and welfare of children in today’s global community.
      Across cultural communities, parents and caregivers use different levels of psychological control (e.g., making children feel worthless, guilty), physical control (e.g., restraining, hitting children), and behavioral control (e.g., setting limits, offering structure) during childrearing. In high-income countries, high levels of psychological, physical, and behavioral control affect children’s social adjustment and academic performance negatively. However, it remains unclear whether these effects generalize to low- and middle-income countries, where endorsement of the use of physical punishment can be high. At the same time, there appears to be a good deal of confusion among parents across low- and middle-income countries about physical punishment and discipline. Physical punishment is meant to inflict pain in the child as a way of dealing with behavioral difficulties and noncompliance. By contrast, discipline is meant to teach children desirable ways of behaving through redirection, explanation, reasoning, and induction.
      Photo: Unsplash.

      As august bodies (e.g., American Academy of Pediatrics, 2018) and researchers continue to warn about the developmental risks associated with physical discipline, it is beneficial to weigh in on what we know about the impact of harsh parenting in the developing countries of Africa. Over the last two decades, we have assessed the impact of harsh parenting across multilingual Caribbean countries. In diverse Caribbean countries, there is high endorsement of the use of physical discipline, but the outcomes of physical discipline on children’s social and cognitive skills are inconsistent. Here, we share findings from an analysis in about half of the countries in Africa of the links between maternal use of nonphysical discipline (explaining), harsh physical discipline (hitting child with an object), physical discipline (spanking), and psychological aggression (berating child) and preschoolers’ social skills, literacy skills, and behavioral difficulties. Our analysis drew on the UNICEF Micro Indicator Surveys of 32,817 biological mothers and their children in 25 African countries: Algeria, Benin, Cameroon, Central African Republic, Chad, Côte d’Ivoire, Democratic Republic of Congo, Gambia, Ghana, Guinea, Guinea Bissau, Kenya, Madagascar, Malawi, Mali, Mauritania, Nigeria, Sao Tome and Principe, Senegal, Sierra Leone, Somalia, Swaziland, Togo, Tunisia, and Zimbabwe.
      What implications might harsh and non-harsh forms of discipline have for child development in Africa? In our research, a high percentage of mothers used explanations with children, but endorsement and use of physical discipline were also prevalent across countries. Across countries, harsh physical discipline, physical discipline, and psychological aggression were each associated with higher levels of behavioral difficulties such as biting, hitting, and kicking other children and adults. That is, berating children had adverse effects on children that were similar to using physical discipline. Not surprisingly, non-physical discipline that involved the use of explanations and redirection was positively associated with children’s literacy skills. Only harsh physical discipline was negatively associated with children’s social skills, such as displaying independence and following directions.

      “Some researchers have argued that in cultural communities where physical punishment is seen as an appropriate method of discipline, the effects of harsh discipline on child development should be less severe. Our analysis offered little support for such a proposition.”

      Some researchers have argued that in cultural communities where physical punishment is seen as an appropriate method of discipline, the effects of harsh discipline on child development should be less severe — the normativeness hypothesis. Our analysis offered little support for such a proposition and instead suggested that harsh forms of maternal discipline have direct negative consequences for children’s behavior and early literacy skills across the African countries we studied.
      These findings from 25 low- and middle-income African countries add to the growing body of evidence on the harmful effects of harsh parenting practices on child development. Moreover, developmental risks associated with harsh forms of discipline become magnified in families with poor material resources, poor access to health care, in the presence of neighborhood difficulties (e.g., violence), and with limited access to preschool education. It is difficult for children to show prudential interest in their social world and moral concern for others when parents hit, slap, pull, and belittle them.
      Header photo: Unsplash. More

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      Can parents prevent bullying among elementary school children?

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      When my daughter was in the second grade, the boys started a silly game during recess of grabbing the girls’ coats at the neck to stop them in their tracks. Of course, after a few days, the girls “told on them” – complaining to the teacher on playground duty about the boys choking them. The teacher’s well-meaning response was to tell the girls to play near her so they would be safe. The girls went on to tell their own teacher who, in turn, told the boys’ teacher, but the game continued. My daughter then told me – a child psychologist who is supposed to know what to do! We decided to write to the principal for help. My daughter dictated and I wrote it all down. She took the note to the principal and the game stopped. What is the point here? Seeking help is important for children, and the other side of this interaction is that adults need to respond to children’s requests for help.

      “Our children deserve to feel safe at school. How can schools and parents work together to prevent conflicts before they become bullying?”

      Conflict is normal in children’s interactions with their peers at school – just as it is normative in our interactions with other adults at work, at home, and in the grocery store. Not all peer conflict is bullying or results in bullying, but repeated aggression that targets children who are perceived as less powerful or different in some ways (often due to gender, race, ethnicity, disability, behavioral problems, or mental health) is bullying. Our children deserve to feel safe at school. How can parents work with their own children and schools to prevent conflicts before they become bullying?
      Our own research highlights two social behaviors of children that make a difference in reducing aggression and emotional problems and in enhancing school climate. We call these social responsibility and prosocial leadership. The former is essentially about being a cooperative social member of a classroom or family, while the latter is about facilitating others’ work and well-being, and looking for opportunities to help. These two protective factors are incompatible with bullying and victimization of peers, and they can be enhanced by both home and school activities.
      Photo: ihtatho. Creative Commons.

      Consider how these two prosocial behaviors of children might work in families. Does your family generally cooperate in making your family environment positive, safe, and fair? Do the children in your family generally have opportunities to make valued contributions to your family’s everyday life? Sometimes? No? Yes?  Creating a positive family climate is a lifelong endeavour that encounters both smooth winds and heavy storms. It is not static. All family members from all kinds of family structures have changing needs and different abilities to contribute to overall family well-being. Children’s abilities to contribute reflect differences in their ages, but also differences in their sense of belonging to a cooperative team that is trying to create well-being for everyone.
      How? One factor that can make a difference is to find a way to open conversations about conflict and conflict resolutions. Being part of your family’s well-being requires that you have input into its functioning. Responding to conflicts and aggressions with silence allows conflicts to be repeated unchanged. Having a family plan for managing the inevitable day-to-day conflicts of interpersonal interactions is as important as having a plan for fire prevention or emergency responses. In my intervention research, we have developed and tested a plan that is working in schools, with family support. The WITS Programs open conversations about conflict by using a common language. WITS stands for Walk Away, Ignore, Talk it out, and Seek help. When adults respond with this practiced, common language, we present conflicts as solvable. “Did you use your WITS?” or “What WITS did you try?” The program also identifies “WITS PICKS,” children’s books in the popular domain that present conflicts in which children have opportunities to talk about how they handled them and what else they could do. Many of the books are read online and are free to access.

      “One thing that can make a difference is to find a way to open conversations about conflict and conflict resolutions.”

      Using your WITS is not the only way to have open conversations about conflict. Many families establish their own routines, like reflecting on and talking out conflicts when everyone is calm or at bedtime, making a siblings plan for taking turns, and valuing family kindnesses and contributions Families can also talk about movies and TV programs in which the characters resolve conflicts. Thinking about what you do in your family and making these routines visible to children is important. Young children like to know what is the right thing to do. Seeking help can be rejected as “tattling” or embraced as problem solving.
      Children need to be empowered to seek help and to be helpful. Parents can create opportunities and family cultures that make a difference in their abilities to resolve conflicts, and they can support schools in their efforts to do the same. By opening conversations about resolving conflict at home and in school, you can help your own children enhance their social responsibility and prosocial leadership, which can make a difference in improving school cultures.
      Header photo: woodleywonderworks. Creative Commons.  More

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      A solid foundation: Building children’s self-esteem during the COVID-19 pandemic

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      The COVID-19 pandemic has shaken the pillars of children’s lives. Faced with quarantine, school closures, and social distancing, many children are deprived of the everyday experiences that normally build their self-esteem — their sense of worth as a person. Self-esteem is a critical ingredient of children’s mental health. Children with higher self-esteem tend to have happier lives, better relationships, and fewer symptoms of anxiety and depression.
      Many parents see the process of raising self-esteem as building a structure: The first step is to lay a solid foundation. How, then, can parents help lay a solid foundation for children’s self-esteem during the COVID-19 pandemic?
      According to theories in psychology, children’s self-esteem is built on two pillars: acceptance and competence. Children feel good about themselves when they feel loved and supported by significant others (acceptance) and when they master new skills to achieve their goals (competence).

      “Parents can continue building warmer, more supportive relationships with their children. In warm, supportive relationships, parents share joy with their children, show fondness for them, and express interest in their activities.”

      Here, we present evidence-based strategies that parents can implement to cultivate acceptance and competence in children. These strategies do not require much time or resources on behalf of parents. Indeed, our aim is to ease — rather than increase — the burden placed on parents during these remarkable times. Parents may be under extreme stress: the stress of going to work while risking exposure to the virus, of homeschooling their children while struggling to meet their own job demands, and of caring for elderly parents while being concerned about their own health. It is important for parents to be compassionate to themselves and to embrace the imperfections of their new routines.
      Acceptance
       What can parents do to make children feel more loved and supported? For one, parents can continue building warmer, more supportive relationships with their children. In warm, supportive relationships, parents share joy with their children, show fondness for them, and express interest in their activities. Parents can do so, for example, by spending time with their children and letting them know they are enjoying their presence, by asking children with curiosity about their interests and daily activities, and by talking to children about their worries and fears in age-appropriate ways regarding the current pandemic.
      Photo: Unsplash.

      Such experiences of warmth are most likely to cultivate self-esteem when they are provided unconditionally, in good times and in bad. This isn’t about being a super-parent: “You just have to show up, allowing your kids to feel that you get them and that you’ll be there for them, no matter what.”
      Of course, as children age, they develop more friendships outside the family. Such friendships are an important source of self-esteem. Unfortunately, quarantine, school closures, and social distancing have made it incredibly difficult for children to maintain their friendships. When playdates are unsafe or simply impossible, children might need their parents’ guidance in connecting with their friends. For example, parents can help children meet up with friends online through games or video chat apps, encourage children to watch a show with their friends remotely, or assist children in making a playlist of their favorite songs and sharing it with their friends.
      Although seemingly trivial, these strategies may create upward spirals of self-esteem over time. Indeed, when children build deeper relationships with others, they develop higher self-esteem. And when they develop higher self-esteem, they become more inclined to approach others, show warmth to others, and forge even deeper bonds with them. This, in turn, further buttresses their self-esteem.

      “Parents can encourage children to find a topic that fascinates them and provide them with the resources they need to learn more about it.”

      Competence
      Children are born curious and spontaneously practice new skills. They often seek novel and challenging experiences that help them build their competence. As they feel increasingly competent, their self-esteem rises.
      Amidst school closures, children may attend online classes, get homeschooled, or not receive any education at all. In these cases, a large burden is placed on children’s intrinsic motivation. How can parents nurture children’s interest and joy in learning? Parents can encourage children to find a topic that fascinates them and provide them with the resources they need to learn more about it. They can use free educational resources (such as National Geographic Kids’ YouTube channel); create art projects; and help children build structures with Legos, blocks, or even household items.
      In these activities, it is critical for children to experience a sense of learning and growth. Even small steps on the road toward self-improvement should be celebrated. When children know they are improving themselves, they feel proud and eagerly seek out more activities to hone their skills.
      Conclusion
       The foundation of children’s self-esteem is laid early in life. We’ve shown that parents can help build this foundation by making children feel loved and nurturing their interest and joy in learning. Given the worries and fears that surround a global pandemic, a solid foundation can help children build toward a better future.
      Header photo: The Lowry. Creative Commons.  More

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      How to support teenagers through a divorce

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      Support teenagers through a divorce
      The loss of the known family unit causes emotional upheaval and distress for everyone involved, and there is a wealth of advice out there on how to manage your well-being and that of younger children. 
      But what about teenagers? (teens) There seems to be less information out there about the best way to tell them about a relationship breakdown and support them through it. 
      Teens are already navigating an emotional rollercoaster as they move into adulthood: social media, friendship groups, pressure from school, to name a few. Throwing the breakdown of their parents relationship into the mix can be overwhelming for them. 
      So, how can you support teenagers through a divorce? We asked Stowe guest regular Luisa Williams, CEO & Founder from My Family Psychologist to share her top ten tips on how to help support your teen as the family goes through a divorce.
      Spend time together 
      Try to set some protected time alone with you and your teen each week to do something together. It could be watching a film, going shopping, cooking a meal together or playing a game. Even if your teen does not accept the offer, they will appreciate that you have made an effort to spend time with them.  
      Lend a listening ear
      Getting teens to open up is often not an easy task, but listening openly to their concerns and feelings will reassure them that it is okay to talk to you without fear of judgment. 
      Ask open questions but try not to make it feel like they are being interrogated. Try not to interrupt or cut them off as this may make them shut down. 
      Using open communication may make your teen more willing to discuss their stress with you. Share your own experiences with them to make the pressures feel more relatable. Be sure to share positive thoughts. 
      Be a good role model
      Whether teens like to admit it or not, they are still looking up to you and learning from you. 
      How you manage your stress through the divorce sets the example for your teen, so you need to be modelling healthy behaviour and stress management techniques in front of them.  
      Help them to determine what’s within their control and what isn’t
      Teens today are often involved in multiple activities, especially if it is something they enjoy. Sometimes, even when extracurricular activities are proven to help their overall functioning, it can be overwhelming. 
      Discuss with your teen about how they can pace themselves by identifying which activities are more helpful to them and which ones could be dropped. 
      This can help take some pressure off and make room for necessary free time which can encourage more brain relieving stress management activities. 
      Get back to basics and develop an agreeable routine.
      There is a possibility that the stress of the relationship breakdown has been felt for a longer period than you are aware of, and as a result, they have developed some poor lifestyle habits. 
      Create a routine with your teen which is consistent: for example, establish a sleep routine (aiming to get7-8 hours a night); reduce time on their phones and social media exposure; eat regular healthy meals and snacks and exercise for 30 minutes daily. These simple changes can have an impact on your teens’ ability to manage stress more effectively.  
      Coach your teen to use positive and calming ‘self-talk’ 
      If your teen can recognise when they are feeling stressed about a situation, encourage them to have a collection of statements they can use to manage stressful situations.  
      The use of positive and calming self-talk statements can reassure them that the situation is manageable. Examples may be ‘stop and breathe’, ‘I can do this’, ‘this will pass’, ‘I am safe’ and ‘this won’t last forever’. 
      Teach work management skills
      Teach your teen some basic ways to manage tasks, such as making lists or breaking larger tasks into smaller ones and doing one piece at a time. 
      A technique suggested to help individuals with low attention span and ADHD symptoms is the ‘Pomodoro Technique’ which works as follows, 
      Work for 25 minutes (focused work) 
      Take a 5-minute break  
      Repeat 4 times (25 minutes of focused work then a 5-minute break)  
      Then take a longer break of 15 – 20 minutes.  
      DO NOT demand perfection
      None of us does everything perfectly. Expecting perfection from your teen is unrealistic and just adds stress. Encourage them to do things to the best of their ability and praise them when they achieve something or have done something they are proud of.  
      DO NOT try to solve your teenager’s problems.
      As a parent, it is hard to see your child under stress, and you will naturally want to try and solve their issues. Try to resist solving your teen’s problems and instead, work together to brainstorm solutions and let your teen come up with ideas. Using this approach helps teens learn to tackle stressful situations on their own and give them a sense of autonomy and ownership.  
      Use self – help support and guidance
      There are many online websites which offer guidance and exercises which may help your teen manage their stress. This is something you can do together, so that is not overwhelming or adding more pressure on to your teen.  
      It is important to be realistic that it is impossible to eliminate stress, but it can be managed effectively with the right techniques. 
      It will be a case of finding something which works for your teen, which may take time, but when you find something that works, encourage your teen positively and offer support.  
      Finding a happy medium of stress is the best way to move forward whilst promoting a healthy body and mind. 
      Get in touch
      If you help to support teenagers through a divorce and you feel that they may need more professional support, then contact My Family Psychologist. 
      We provide services to individuals, parents and families to address a range of psychological issues including stress management, anxiety, depression and self-esteem.  
      Family law advice 
      If you would like any family law advice or information on how to support teenagers through a divorce please do contact our Client Care Team to speak to one of our specialist family lawyers here More

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      What is a child arrangements order?

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      A child arrangements order is a court order that sets out who has responsibility for the care of a child, including who they live with and how often they will see/ have contact with both parents. 
      Most commonly used in cases where the parents cannot reach an agreement on how to share the care of their children, the purpose of the order is to ensure that the child’s welfare is the first and foremost consideration. 
      Things to consider before applying for a child arrangements order
      Before you make an application for a child arrangements order, you should try to agree on the arrangements with the other party.
      You can consider preparing a parenting plan; a written statement that both parents sign up to establish the ground rules of shared parenting. 
      Mediation can also assist parents in reaching an agreement about arrangements for their children.
      If an agreement cannot be reached, then it will be necessary to issue an application for a child arrangements order. 
      What is a child arrangements order? What does it mean?
      A child arrangements order is a court order that sets out who is responsible for the care of a child. 
      It is usually used in cases when the parents cannot agree on how to split care of their children. 
      What conditions can a child arrangements order specify?
      A child arrangements order can state: 

      Who the children live with

      Where they live

      When and how the children will see both parents

      For example, they may spend weeknights in the family home and weekends with their mother/father.
      It can also set out other types of contact such as through phone calls, video calls, cards and letters etc.
      Who can apply for a child arrangements order?
      The following people can apply for an order without prior permission from the court. 

      A parent, guardian or special guardian of the child

      A spouse or civil partner if the child is part of that family

      Someone with parental responsibility 

      Someone who already has a residence order for that child

      Someone who the child has lived with for more than three years

      Grandparents, who do not meet any of the criteria above, have to apply to the court for permission before applying for the order. 
      How do I apply for a child arrangements order?
      You will need to obtain a signed MIAM* form before you can make an application for a child arrangements order. * MIAM is the Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting.  This is a required step for anyone having a dispute regarding children unless certain exceptions apply such as domestic abuse.
      An application for a child arrangements order is made on a C100 form.  This sets out the details of the children and the parties involved.  You will be asked to state which orders you are seeking and why.
      You will also need to complete a C1A form if you are alleging harm and domestic violence.
      Once you have completed the C100 form, you will need to send it to the court in triplicate along with the court fee which is currently £215, unless you are eligible for a fee exemption.
      The application should be sent to the nearest court to where the children concerned in the application live.
      Once the court receives your application, it will set a date for everyone involved in the application to have a First Hearing Dispute Resolution Appointment (FHDRA).
      The court will send a copy of the application to the other party, and they must complete an acknowledgement form and return it to the court to confirm that they have seen the papers.
      Understanding the court process to obtain a child arrangements order 
      How long does a child arrangements order last?
      Generally, a child arrangements order will expire when the child turns 18 years old unless otherwise stated. 
      How much does it cost?
      You will need to pay the current court fee of £215 unless you are eligible for a fee exemption and your solicitor’s fees. While you do not need a solicitor to apply for the order, it’s advisable to have professional legal advice from an experienced family lawyer as this area of law can be complicated. 
      What do the courts consider when granting a child arrangements order?
      First and foremost, the courts will consider what is in the best interests of the child using the welfare checklist, which considers the following:

      The wishes and feelings of the child concerned dependent on their age and level of understanding

      The child’s physical, emotional and educational needs

      The likely effect on the child if circumstances changed as a result of the court’s decision

      The child’s age, sex, background and any other characteristics which will be relevant to the court’s decision

      Any harm the child has suffered or may be at risk of suffering

      The capability of the child’s parents (or any other person the courts find relevant) at meeting the child’s needs

      The powers available to the court in the given proceedings

      Is a child arrangements order legally binding?
      Yes, this order is legally binding, and if a parent breaches it, they will be in contempt of court which could mean fines, enforcement orders, unpaid work in the community and even imprisonment (although this is extremely rare).
      How are child arrangements orders enforced?
      Unfortunately, these orders are not always complied with.
      If you are experiencing difficulties with a child arrangements order, try to discuss the breach (s) with the other parent in the hope that you can reach an agreement without having to return to court. Meditation can also help here. 
      If you have to return to court, an application for enforcement is made on a Form C79. 
      Enforcement proceedings must be dealt with without delay and if possible, listed before the judge that dealt with matters previously. A hearing will be listed within 20 working days of the application being issued.
      Read more about what happens when a parent breaks a court order. 
      Can I stop a child arrangements order?
      Circumstances change, and it is not uncommon that a child arrangements order no longer works for the child or the parents, particularly as children get older. 
      You can ask the court to vary an order; however, before making an application, it is advisable to look at other methods of negotiation. This could be negotiation via solicitors or mediation. In some cases, where there are older children involved, they too can attend mediation to tell the mediator what it is that they want. 
      If this not possible, you will need to complete a C100 application form and explain why you are asking the court to vary the current child arrangements order. 
      The court will only vary the order if they consider it to be in the best interests of the child to do so.
      However, where possible,  try and stay out of court as it is expensive, time-consuming and upsetting for the whole family.
      How can a lawyer help with a child arrangements order?
      Taking professional advice from a specialist family lawyer will ensure that you have someone on your side who knows the law and understands how the courts work. 
      A family lawyer will help you to understand the likely outcome of the order and help you to change or improve the outcome. 
      This is a complex area of the law and going to court is expensive. A family lawyer can help you to negotiate with your ex-partner and hopefully settle the case amicably. 
      Get in touch
      If you would like any advice on child law, you can find further articles here or please do contact our Client Care Team to speak to one of our specialist children lawyers here. 
      This article was originally published on an earlier date and has since been updated.  More

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      in Children

      How does conflict during separation and divorce affect children?

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      The effect of conflict during separation and divorce on children 
      Luisa Williams, CEO & Founder from My Family Psychologist joins us on the blog with her advice on how does conflict during separation and divorce affect children? 
      Imagine that you are about to go on the world’s scariest rollercoaster ride. 
      You didn’t want to go on it at first, but you have been told by others that not going on this rollercoaster would be the wrong decision. 
      You have been arguing with your partner for the past six months about it and having a constant push and pull. 
      You have to decide whether this is a rollercoaster you want to experience, whether you can afford to go on this ride and what you want to achieve. 
      Then, if you decide that you have to ride it, so does everybody you care about, even if they don’t want to.  
      Now, imagine that your child or children have witnessed all of your arguments about the rollercoaster and feel that they have no choice but to ride that rollercoaster with you. 
      This level of conflict has impacted that child so much that they are now involved in this situation against their own will. 
      How do you think that this has impacted them?  
      Separation and divorce
      Separation and divorce are by no stretch of the imagination, a conflicting and challenging situation to be in, not to mention the added hardship of having children as part of that equation.  
      So what is a high-conflict separation or divorce?  
      Previous research has shown that high-conflict separation or divorce often refers to verbal or physical altercations between parents as witnessed by the child. 
      It can feel like a tug of war for children who are in the centre and have parents pulling on opposite ropes, which can be extremely overwhelming for a child.  
      What does the research say about how a high-conflict separation and divorce can affect children?  
      Previous findings from research date back to the 1970s, 1980s, and 1990s and suggest that children are not necessarily negatively affected by living in a single-parent family but more so by the conflict witnessed. 
      Much of the research has shown that family conflict, especially parental conflict, can harm children in the following ways.  
      Mental health  
      Children who find themselves caught in the middle are more likely to experience depression and anxiety. 
      Jekielek (1998) used data from a longitudinal study which concluded that parental conflict had a consistently significant negative impact on child anxiety and depression four years later, suggesting that parental conflict has enduring effects on child well-being. 
      Furthermore, studies have concluded that children experience less anxiety and depression when their high-conflict, married parents’ divorce.  
      Their future relationships with others  
      Long term exposure to high conflict can have an adverse effect, especially as children may observe parents engaging in this behaviour and replicate in their relationships (Gager, Yabiku & Linver, 2016). 
      These children also tend to have impaired relationships with peers. Furthermore, the poor role modelling demonstrated by their parents leads these kids to have no idea what it means to have real friendships, and their expectations of friends can become quite distorted. 
      Their self-esteem, self-concept and identity  
      A study by Raschke and Raschke (1979) found that family conflict can be detrimental to their self-concept. 
      This has since been supported by other research which has found that high conflict post-divorce may lead to parents being alienated from their children (Dunne & Hendrick, 1994). 
      This can negatively impact children’s self-esteem and self-sufficiency in adulthood (Ben-Ami & Baker, 2012).   
      Their behaviour including risk-taking  
      Evidence suggests that children experiencing their parents’ divorce or separation is associated with lower levels of wellbeing (Amato, 2010) and more behavioural problems (Hetherington & Kelly 2002; Weaver & Schofield, 2015).  
      In particular, it can affect interpersonal skills (Kim, 2011) and externalising behaviours such as conduct problems (Kelly & Emery, 2003; Kim, 2011; Weaver & Schofield, 2015)  
      Their success or performance in school and daily life 
      Children may also underperform academically as a result of their parent’s break-up by getting poor grades, using drugs, becoming defiant, withdrawing from the world, acting out in class and stop doing activities that generally please them. 
      What can parents do to support their children who have witnessed high-conflict situations? 
      Parents may see the conflict as necessary when going through divorce proceedings, but you need to remember to think about the impact that this may be having on the child or children. 
      So the fact of the matter is simple; it is the conflict, and not necessarily the divorce, that puts your children at risk. 
      Supportive parenting strategies
      A few supportive parenting strategies can go a long way to helping kids adjust to the changes brought about by divorce, reduce the psychological effects and maintain healthy and supportive relationships with your children.

      Don’t put children in the middle. Children didn’t ask to be in this situation and don’t need a constant push and pull from parents.  
      Teach pro-social coping strategies and skills to help them adjust to what is happening. Offer reassurance at any opportunity. Children need reassurance that it isn’t their fault about what is happening.  
      Use consistent discipline when needed. Maintaining age-appropriate rules from both parents will offer stability and manage unwanted behaviour.  
      Monitor adolescence. As children enter adolescence, their hormones will kick in, and there may be further excuses for why they choose to act out including substance misuse and self-harm—Check-in with them and offer support where possible.  
      Empower your child to express themselves. Children need to be able to have a safe space to talk to their parents and express how they are feeling. They need warmth and comfort from both parents.  

      Get in touch
      If you are going through a high conflict separation or divorce proceedings and need some support for yourself or your children, then please don’t hesitate to get in touch with My Family Psychologist. 
      We offer specialised counselling services for adults, couples and children as well as mediation services. Get in touch and see how we can support you when you are going through a difficult time. 
      Visit the My Family Psychologist website here.
      Family law advice 
      If you would like any family law advice please do contact our Client Care Team to speak to one of our specialist family lawyers here
      References:  
      Amato, P. R. (2010). Research on divorce: Continuing trends and new developments. Journal of marriage and family, 72(3), 650-666.  
      Anon, (n.d.). How Children Cope with High Conflict Divorce: How Are They Harmed and What Can Parents Do to Help Them – Divorce – Support Resources for Coping and Moving on After Divorce. [online] Available at: https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/how-children-cope-with-high-conflict-divorce-how-are-they-harmed-and-what-can-parents-do-to-help-them/ [Accessed 13 Aug. 2020]. 
      Ben-Ami, N., & Baker, A. J. (2012). The long-term correlates of childhood exposure to parental alienation on adult self-sufficiency and well-being. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 40(2), 169-183.  
      Dunne, J. E., & Hedrick, M. (1994). The parental alienation syndrome: An analysis of sixteen selected cases. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 21(3-4), 21-38.  
      Gager, C. T., Yabiku, S. T., & Linver, M. R. (2016). Conflict or divorce? Does parental conflict and/or divorce increase the likelihood of adult children’s cohabiting and marital dissolution? Marriage & Family Review, 52(3), 243–261.   
      ‌Government of Canada, Department of Justice, Electronic Communications (2015). Studies of High Conflict and its Effect on Children – High-Conflict Separation and Divorce: Options for Consideration (2004-FCY-1E). [online] Justice.gc.ca. Available at: https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/fl-lf/divorce/2004_1/p3.html [Accessed 24 Sep. 2019]. 
      Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2002). For better or for worse: Divorce reconsidered. WW Norton & Company.  
      Kelly, J. B., & Emery, R. E. (2003). Children’s adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives. Family relations, 52(4), 352-362.  
      Kim, H. S. (2011). Consequences of parental divorce for child development. American Sociological Review, 76(3), 487-511.  
      Jekielek, S.M. (1998). Parental Conflict, Marital Disruption and Children’s Emotional Well-Being. Social Forces, 76(3), p.905. 
      Psychology Today. (n.d). Understanding the Effects of High-Conflict Divorce on Kids. [online] Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/better-divorce/201912/understanding-the-effects-high-confict-divorce-kids [Accessed 13 Aug. 2020]  
      Morin, A. (2017). The Psychological Effects of Divorce on Children. [online] Verywell Family. Available at: https://www.verywellfamily.com/psychological-effects-of-divorce-on-kids-4140170. [Accessed 13 Aug. 2020] 
      Raschke, H.J. and Raschke, V.J. (1979). Family Conflict and Children’s Self-Concepts: A Comparison of Intact and Single-Parent Families. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 41(2), p.367. 
      Weaver, J. M., & Schofield, T. J. (2015). Mediation and moderation of divorce effects on children’s behaviour  problems. Journal of family psychology, 29(1), 39. More

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      in Children

      What happens when a parent breaks a court order?

      by

      What happens when a parent breaks a court order? When parents cannot decide arrangements for their children once they have separated the court can issue a child arrangements order to clarify a child’s living arrangements. 
      This order is legally binding, and if a parent breaches it they will be in contempt of court which could mean fines, enforcement orders and even imprisonment (although this is extremely rare).
      If this is happening to you, what legal options do you have? Rachel Fisher from Stowe Family Law in Bristol joins us with advice on what happens when a parent breaks/breaches a court order?
      What can I do if my partner breaks or breaches a court order? 
      If you are experiencing difficulties with a child arrangements order, including minor or major breaches, it is advisable to keep a diary of these. This means you will have a clear picture of the difficulties you have faced.
      Then I would advise my client to try and discuss the breach (s) with the other parent in the hope that they can reach an agreement without having to return to court. The court process can be stressful, timely and expensive. 
      Another option is to use mediation as a neutral forum with a third-party to try and resolve the disagreements. 
      However, in some cases, it is not possible to discuss or agree on arrangements and therefore, the matters must be returned to the court to enforce the original order.
      How do you enforce a court order?

      An application for enforcement is made on a Form C79. Enforcement proceedings must be dealt with without delay and if possible, listed before the judge that dealt with matters previously. A hearing will be listed within 20 working days of the application been issued. 

      What will the court consider when deciding to enforce an order? 
      Once the court receives an application to enforce a child arrangements order, they will consider the following: 

      Whether the facts for the alleged non-compliance are agreed or whether it is necessary to conduct a hearing to establish them

      The reasons for any non-compliance

      The wishes and feelings of the child

      Whether any advice is required from Cafcass on the appropriate way forward 

      Assess and manage any risks of making further or other child arrangements orders

      Whether a separated parents information programme or referral for dispute resolution is appropriate

      Whether an enforcement order may be appropriate and

      The welfare checklist

      What are the penalties for a breaching a court order? 
      At the top of all child arrangements order, there is a warning notice that sets out the consequences to both parties about what will happen if they do not comply with the order.
      There are several powers available to the court when considering an application to enforce and these are as follows:

      Referral of both parents to a separated parents information programme or mediation

      Unpaid work requirement of between 40 and 200 hours where the court is satisfied beyond a reasonable doubt that one party has failed to comply with a provision of the order

      Committal to prison (in very rare/serious cases)

      Changing which party the child or children live with (in very extreme/serious cases)/variation of the child arrangements order to include a more defined order

      A fine

      An order for compensation for financial loss

      A contact enforcement order or suspended enforcement order

      Can you get a court order changed?
      If circumstances change once a child arrangements order has been made, then it might be necessary to ask the court to vary the order if an agreement cannot be reached between the parents. 
      You will need to complete a C100 application form and explain why you are asking the court to vary the current child arrangements order. 
      The court will only vary a child arrangements order if they consider it to be in the best interests of the child to do so.
      Can court orders be overturned?
      It is possible to appeal decisions made by the family court, and I would advise anyone considering this to take legal advice on their individual circumstances.
      What can I do if I think my child is at risk? 
      If you consider that your child is at risk, then you should seek urgent legal advice on the steps you can take to safeguard your child. 
      Depending on your circumstances, it may be necessary to make an urgent application to the court.
      Get in touch 
      If you would like any advice on what happens when a parent breaks a court order please do contact our Client Care Team to speak to one of our specialist children lawyers here.  More

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      in Children

      The calm after the storm: How to help children reintegrate back into the world post lockdown.

      by

      Luisa Williams, CEO & Founder from My Family Psychologist joins us on the blog with her advice on how to help children reintegrate back into the world post lockdown. 
      There is no denying the impact that Covid-19 has had across the nation but it has particularly affected our children. 
      From talking to parents and friends, some children have adapted better than others. For some, they have experienced anxiety and a sense of uncertainty, especially when it comes to knowing what is expected of them.  
      As lockdown restrictions start to ease up, parents are left wondering how to make children feel as safe and calm as possible. 
      It is important that children are supported when entering this ‘new normal’ that the government keep telling us about. It may feel like there is a long way to go until we resume a sense of ‘normality’, however, we need to ask the question:

      What we can do as parents to support our children as they take the next steps into their new routines?

      Here are some tips on how to help children reintegrate back into the world post lockdown. 
      Educate yourself and get yourself up to date with any changes to guidelines before discussing this with your child. 
      Get your information from reliable sources. Check with www.gov.uk and the BBC for updates on any guidance. These are updated regularly to help parents ensure that they have all the necessary information.  
      Explain to your child about lockdown restrictions and what these mean. Explain that some things may be different and that it is not something that they need to be afraid of. Ask them if they understand and encourage them to ask questions. They don’t need to know everything; just keep it appropriate for the age of the child. 
      Reassure them that it is okay to feel worried or anxious. Ask them to keep a diary about how they are feeling or a worry jar where they can put questions in that they may have. This will encourage them to reflect on how they are feeling. Remind them that the rules that are in place are to keep us safe and that ‘now is not forever’.  
      Start getting them back into a routine.  
      During the lockdown, it is likely that their pre-COVID daily routine has been thrown out of the window and they may be getting up later and going to bed later. Gradually introduce earlier bedtimes and waking up times, especially as they get closer to their school return date. This will encourage a sense of normalcy.  
      Start going out for walks or to places where they may see other people so that they get used to being outside of the home environment. Many children may have opted to stay inside during the pandemic so may find it hard to be around people they don’t know. Get your children used to seeing people wearing masks and PPE and encourage them that this what some people are choosing to do in order to keep others safe.  
      Give children a choice to pick out a face mask so that they feel like they are wearing something they like. With new rules coming into place about wearing masks when shopping, the idea may feel uncomfortable to children as it can be restrictive.  Check out sites such as www.amazon.co.uk where they have a selection of child-friendly masks to choose from.  
      Spend quality time with your children doing something positive.
      This will help take a break from any anxieties they may have. This will also give you an opportunity to talk to your child and gives them a safe space to talk if they so wish to.  
      Encourage your children in a ‘routine’ of good hygiene. Washing their hands regularly when needed to the point where it becomes second nature rather than a strict regime. This will help make them less afraid and more mindful of looking after themselves. If your child is particularly health-conscious or has health anxiety, get a little pack together for them with things such as hand sanitizer, tissues and pocket wipes.  
      Encourage your children to think positively about what they are looking forward to in the future to reinforce a future-focused approach. Discuss what they may want to do in the future or where they may want to go. Make some plans with your child or children.
      Get in touch
      If you would like more advice on how to help children reintegrate back into the world post lockdown and find that your child or family members are experiencing anxiety post-lockdown and feel that they need some more support, please get in touch with My Family Psychologist and see how we can help. We work with children, parents and families to offer support when it is needed most, especially during these difficult times.  
      Visit the My Family Psychologist website here.
      Family law advice 
      If you would like any family law advice please do contact our Client Care Team to speak to one of our specialist family lawyers here.  More