Co-parenting at Christmas often means juggling chaos, compromise, and creative scheduling, all with the added pressure to keep the peace and make the holidays special. Here are our tips for the weeks ahead.
From working out holiday plans together and navigating more frequent interactions with your ex, to involving new partners and maintaining ties with your former in-laws, the festive season can feel like a tricky balancing act.
While it’s natural to feel some stress, a little planning, flexibility, and a positive approach can go a long way in creating a Christmas that works well for everyone, especially the children.
Putting the children first
We can all agree, Christmas is about the children, and it’s essential to keep their needs and happiness at the forefront of your plans. Whether this is your first Christmas after divorce, or you’ve had a few years to get used to things, to make the season easier for them there are a few simple steps you can take.
Agree on a shared plan
Work together with your ex to ensure the children can enjoy time with both of you without feeling rushed or pulled between two homes. Having a clear and joint plan not only helps avoid confusion and conflict for co-parents, but for children too who can feel prepared and safe in the knowledge they’ll get time with both parents. This might mean splitting the day between both homes or agreeing on specific days for things like Christmas dinner or gift exchanges. Read more about dividing Christmas with your ex.
Balance traditions with flexibility
If you have cherished family traditions, it’s understandable that you’ll want to keep them going, but a little flexibility can go a long way. Discuss the traditions most important to you with your co-parent and agree a realistic way to divide them. The key is to avoid putting pressure on the kids to “choose” one tradition or family over the other, ensuring that they have special moments with both sides of the family.
Reinvent your Christmas
Christmas is the perfect time to start new traditions. Forget about the rule book and focus on the things that will truly bring your family joy. Whether it’s replacing turkey with your favourite foods on Christmas day or creating fresh ways to celebrate with the people who matter to you most now, these changes can redefine the holidays so they reflect your family as it is now.
Managing more time with your ex
Spending extra time with your ex during the holiday season can be unavoidable but no less challenging, especially if your relationship is still difficult. Focusing on common parenting goals can help keep things civil and make co-parenting at Christmas a little easier.
Focus on the children’s needs
When communication is focused on the well-being of your children, it’s easier to prevent conversations from slipping into old patterns and disputes. If it helps, keep things business-like and to the point. Keep things on track by agreeing on specific times to discuss important matters. Confirm the plans you’ve made in a message or email is a good way to check you’re on the same page and prevent future misunderstandings.
Set boundaries
While spending time with your ex over Christmas might be on the cards, you don’t have to be best friends. Setting clear and respectful boundaries can help keep things positive and productive. Give yourself a set time to leave so you’re in control of the situation, and if needed, stay in the same room but keep some physical space. Focus your conversations on the present and the needs of the children, avoiding any past issues that could cause tension.
Remember the bigger picture
Even if you’re feeling frustrated, reminding yourself that your children will benefit from their parents’ cooperation can make these moments feel more manageable.
Including new partners
The arrival of a new partner in your life can bring both excitement and a few challenges, especially when it comes to family holidays. Whether it’s you with the new partner or your ex, this change can stir up a mix of emotions and make things feel a little uncertain.
Communicate early
If you’re planning to have your new partner involved in any holiday activities, it’s best to have an open and honest conversation with your ex in advance. Talk about how you plan to spend the day and ensure that your ex is comfortable with the arrangement.
Be mindful of the children
Children may need time to adjust to your new partner, especially if the relationship is still new. Keep an eye on how the kids are handling the situation and give them space to process these changes. The key is not to force interactions but to allow things to evolve naturally.
Respect boundaries
Whether it’s you or your ex with a new partner, respecting each other’s relationships is important, even if it’s challenging. You get to decide how much or how little you want to interact with your ex’s new partner, all while keeping things calm and positive for your children.
Navigating the Conversation: Telling Your Children About Your New Partner After Divorce
Spending time with ex-in-laws
Another challenge during the holidays for separated parents is seeing their former in-laws. There’s often a lot of history involved, and you will likely see less of them now you’ve separated. Whether you’re spending time with them out of tradition, for the sake of the children, or simply because you still get along, it can be a delicate balance.
Respect their role in your children’s lives
Your ex-in-laws are still important figures in your children’s lives, and it’s often in their best interests for you to maintain a relationship with them. If possible, encourage your children to spend time with their grandparents or other important relatives on your ex’s side of the family.
Keep things civil
Even if you and your ex’s family aren’t as close as you once were, it’s worthwhile remaining civil. After all, the holiday season is a time for harmony, and increasing tensions won’t help anyone. Remember, you’re there for the kids and their happiness, not for any personal vendettas.
Set boundaries as needed
If spending time with ex-in-laws feels emotionally difficult, be honest with yourself and them. It’s okay to politely decline an invitation to join your in-laws if you feel it would be too stressful.
Could Parallel Parenting be right for you and your co-parent?
For some co-parents, limiting interaction or sticking rigidly to tried and tested arrangements is the only way to keep things calm and manageable. When past tensions or difficult dynamics make communication challenging or impossible, it’s perfectly okay to set boundaries that reduce contact whilst still allowing children to see each parent.
Read more about parallel parenting, a co-parenting approach often recommended after high conflict divorce.
Useful links
Blended families and stepparents: A beginners guide
How to embrace being single at Christmas
Source: Children - stowefamilylaw.co.uk
