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As we mark White Ribbon Day (25th November) and the start of the UN’s 16 Days of Activism, we revisit a blog written by Shanika Varga, a Senior Solicitor at our office in Leeds who explains five ways victims can access support for domestic abuse during the lockdown
Support for domestic abuse during lockdown
Most households in the UK will be closely following the developing situation with COVID -19 with worry and concern. In a time where people are being encouraged to isolate at home, my thoughts turned to many of my existing clients, male and female, who may be self-isolating in an abusive relationship.
Having practised family law for many years now, I have acted on behalf of countless victims of domestic abuse. The ever-changing situation with COVID -19 is worrying for all of us, particularly those with underlying health conditions.
However, I am sure it is playing on the minds of those men and women who are in domestically abusive relationships (whether that be with a spouse, family member or other person). In the coming months, it is likely that the number of people self-isolating will increase significantly and this for many could be the catalyst for a dangerous environment.
The impact of isolation on domestic abuse
Many abusers use isolation as a means of control. Keeping their partner or family member away from family and friends keeps the suspicion of others at bay. The current situation may also increase physical violence in the home for those in abusive relationships.
This could be because the abuser has less concern that marks resulting from physical violence will be noticed or due to rising tensions in the family home resulting from people being in closer proximity for longer periods of time.
Most people will find staying at home for long periods taxing but when you add someone who potentially has anger management issues it could be a dangerous environment for many people.
Self-isolating in an abusive relationship with coercive control
Domestic abuse goes further than physical violence, coercive and controlling behaviour was criminalised in December 2015 and we are seeing an increasing number of cases of emotional, financial and coercive control.
Victims may find themselves being controlled by their abuser taking advantage of the worry of the virus or quoting financial concerns such as potential job losses, lack of access to resources etc as a reason to control. The difficulty with this form of domestic abuse is that it is often much more difficult to recognise for victims and their friends and family.
What help is available for people self-isolating in an abusive relationship?
If you are in immediate risk, you should call 999 and the police will be able to assist.
Domestic abuse has been criminalised and therefore, the police, where appropriate may take both protective actions and consider prosecuting abusers.
There are local and national charities that are able to provide refuge and emotional support during and after the process during this outbreak. For example, if you, or someone you know, needs support and advice, you can contact Women’s Aid via the Live Chat here. There are more useful contacts at the end of this article.
I have stayed in close contact with local agencies and one of the most important pieces of advice they gave was for those who are aware they are in potentially dangerous situations, to ensure they had a plan in place. Pack a bag with clothing essentials, money, phone and charger, and their passport and let a friend or family member know that they will be their “safe space contact” if anything were to happen. I appreciate it is not always so easy to hide a packed bag in the house, however, where possible, other arrangements such as somewhere to stay or a friend who knows that they may need to come and collect you and an agreed place to do this should be made.
Throughout this COVID-19 outbreak, all Stowe solicitors are able to work remotely including telephone and video appointments to ensure we are able to continue to help our clients.
The courts are keeping the situation under review but many already have conferencing facilities to enable business as usual. This, of course, may change, but for the time being, courts are still open and it is understood that steps are being taken to ensure facilities are available where necessary. You can read the latest update here.
Legal options for people experiencing domestic abuse
There are civil remedies available by way of non-molestation orders (NMO) and occupation orders (OO).
A non-molestation order
Molestation involves any form of physical, sexual or physical molestation or harassment that has a serious impact on allegers health and wellbeing or the health and wellbeing of any children. Molestation is not only defined as violent behaviour it may be other forms of behaviour.
A non-molestation order provides protection from this behaviour, intimidation and general communication including text messages, emails and phone calls as well as direct contact. It can be extended to include a reference to not damaging any of your property and can in some circumstances, protect children.
It will also prevent and prohibit a party from using or threatening violence and can contain very specific provisions based on the particular type of abuse.
The order can also provide regulation to prevent one party from entering the house or certain rooms in the house. This can be used as an alternative to an occupation order and would be something to consider when self-isolation is necessary and in place.
A wide range of people can apply for protection, from spouses to students living in the same house. A solicitor will explore whether a person falls into the permitted categories during their initial appointment.
Applying for a non-molestation order
To proceed with an application the necessary court form will be completed together with a witness statement setting out in detail what has taken place.
An application can be made to court either ‘on notice’ (the other person is given a prior warning) or ‘without notice’ in urgent situations where safety is at risk.
A middle ground of ‘on notice but urgently’ can also be considered in certain circumstances such as if bail conditions are to run out in the next few weeks, as the immediate risk of harm is not present but there is justification to have the matter dealt with quicker than usual.
The court will tend to err on the side of caution so where applications are made without notice or urgently, the protection sought will usually be made in the interim.
Where orders are made without the other party being aware, they will need to be personally served on the other party by a process server. This means they are physically handed to them so as to prove they are aware of the order and cannot later deny knowledge to justify a breach. Copies are also sent to the police.
More detail about the court process will be provided in an initial meeting with a solicitor but where an agreement cannot be reached between parties via legal representation, a Judge will hear evidence at a later date and will decide whether to grant the order or not.
Typically, non-molestation orders last for a period of 12 months. They can be granted for longer but they are not usually indefinite. If, after 12 months the behaviour prevented in the order starts again, then a further application for an order would be made.
In deciding whether to grant a non-molestation order the Court has wide discretion. The Court will consider all the circumstances of the case including the need to secure the health, safety and wellbeing of the victim and any child.
The Court will consider whether there is evidence of the molestation and whether the party and/or the children need protection and judicial intervention is required to control the abuser’s behaviour.
In considering the above the Court will regard the allegers health which includes both physical and mental health.
Breach of a non-molestation order is a criminal offence and the police can arrest someone who is disobeying an order.
Occupation order
This order sets out who can live in the family home (or certain parts of it) and can also restrict someone entering the area surrounding the home. An occupation order will not affect the other party’s financial interest in the home, it will simply regulate who can live in it.
It is the same application form as the non-molestation order. The process for the occupation order will run alongside the process for the non-molestation order. It is unlikely that an occupation order will be made in the interim. However, protection is often provided by the non-molestation order.
The approach to the ‘without notice’ applications for non-molestation orders is different to ‘without notice’ applications for occupation orders.
It is recognised that a person has no legal right to inflict or threaten violence or harm against someone else therefore a ‘without notice’ non-molestation order does not infringe on legal rights.
However, an occupation order overrides proprietary rights to a property. The Courts have therefore stated that an order to exclude someone from a property that they have a right to be in should seldom be granted without notice.
In deciding whether to grant an occupation order the Court will consider whether the alleger and any children are likely to suffer significant harm as a result of the other parties behaviour or conduct if an order is not made.
This will be balanced against any harm that the other party is likely to suffer if the order is made. If the harm the other party will suffer is greater than the harm likely to be suffered by the alleger and any children then the Court will not make the order. This is known as the balance of harm test.
The Court will consider the effect of the other party’s conduct on the victim and any children rather than concentrate on what their intention was.
The Court will also give consideration to each of the parties housing needs and housing resources, their financial resources and the likely effect of any order or decision not to exercise its powers on the health, safety or wellbeing of the alleger and any children.
The Court will also give consideration to both parties conduct. This will include considering whether either party can afford to rent somewhere else or whether there is somewhere that they can stay, for example with a family member. The Court can make an order for an indefinite period of time or for a term.
Self-isolating when it is not safe
I am very concerned about the safety of people experiencing domestic abuse during any period of isolation especially as it can make it harder to access help during these conditions.
However, please be assured that support is still available. I have gathered together some useful organisations who can provide you with information and support.
National Domestic Violence Helpline – 0808 2000 247
The Men’s Advice Line, for male domestic abuse survivors – 0808 801 0327
The Mix, free information and support for under 25s in the UK – 0808 808 4994
National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0800 999 5428
Samaritans (24/7 service) – 116 123
Please note that Stowe Family Law does not necessarily endorse the organisations listed.
Get in touch
If you are self-isolating in an abusive relationship and would like support for domestic abuse during lockdown and your legal situation, you can find further articles here or please do contact our Client Care Team to speak to one of our specialist domestic abuse lawyers here. More
We have all heard of the narcissist. In fact, I have written an article recently on how to identify if you are married to one on this blog.
Throughout my years advising clients I have encountered many cases where the narcissist behaviours of one party have dominated the whole relationship leading to an unhappy and unhealthy marriage.
But what of the people married or in a relationship with a narcissist? It’s time to meet the echoist; not an officially recognised condition but a term that was popularised in the 2016 book Rethinking Narcissism by Craig Malkin and is gaining momentum.
Now, I shall start with the caveat that not all echoists are in relationships with narcissists. That would be too simplistic. However, the two personality types are intrinsically linked.
What is an echoist?
In a nutshell, an echoist is the opposite of a narcissist. Consider the following statements:
Narcissist: Look at what you did wrong? The narcissist copes by blaming everyone else.Echoist: What did I do wrong? The echoist copes by blaming themselves.
An echoist is someone who puts everyone else’s needs and feelings first and at the expense of their own. People pleasers, they cannot bear praise and hate being the centre of attention. They don’t like to talk about themselves but are great listeners. They blame themselves when things go wrong regardless of where the fault lies.
All in all, a perfect mix for a narcissist who will seek out (consciously or subconsciously) people that verify their importance and allow them to dominate with minimal return required. A narcissist may often arrive on the scene as the rescuer, but this never plays out to be the case.
However, an echoist is not a doormat. Smart, intelligent, kind and warm-hearted people, they are often more emotionally sensitive and aware than others. They are the ones that always pick up on a bad atmosphere in the room or an underlying argument.
Many people root the development of echoist behaviours forming in childhood with a dominating narcissist parent or family member creating a learnt behaviour that they must repress their own feelings to be loved; that they must give everything and accept very little back. Imagine a parent that erupts over the smallest of things and it is never their fault. In the end, you would learn to anticipate the situation and change your behaviour to avoid it.
Echoists and relationships
An echoist can easily get stuck in an unhealthy relationship where they feel unworthy, unlovable and everything is their fault. This can quickly cause anxiety, depression and loss of hope as they struggle with connection and expressing their needs.
They can easily lose their voice, their sense of self. I have seen many clients at the start of the divorce process that try to take up as little space in the world as possible, ask for as little as possible and put themselves at a very long line of other people.
But it can change, and I have seen the results myself.
New beginnings
Before I turn to what can be done I would like to express that if you are in an abusive relationship you must seek help immediately. I have detailed some useful links at the end of the article.
Counselling can certainly help here. An echoist needs to start to understand feelings and feel them – not fear them. Emotions such as anger and resentment are all perfectly normal emotions. By accepting them, you learn to voice them and start to develop more equal relationships where you can say you are not happy and ask for things.
An echoist also needs to learn to question situations and break the default that it is all their fault, or they are too sensitive. Ask yourself what am I getting from this relationship? Why is it making me feel sad or lonely? Healthy relationships create a space for vulnerability.
You can unlearn bad habits with professional support, time and the desire to break the old relationship patterns to get your voice back.
If you are affected by anything in this article the following websites are useful resources:
RelateWoman’s aidThe Echo Society More
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Sarah Jane Lenihan, Partner at our London Victoria office shares her thoughts on the impact of lockdown one and the potential long-term implications for relationships as we enter the second lockdown.
How will a second lockdown impact relationships
There was little shock felt as lockdown part two was announced by Boris on Saturday (31st October). It had been on the cards for a while and felt inevitable once our European neighbours reported theirs.
For some very little may change, but for others, this further restriction to freedom could be life-changing and have long-term implications for their relationship.
At Stowe, when we first went into lockdown back in March, we saw an initial dip in enquiries before steadily rising to an average increase of 30% during the summer months compared to those last year (with a peak in August of 41%).
As family lawyers, we questioned whether this peak was due to people pausing their original plans to divorce in the early months of the lockdown before picking them back up as restrictions lifted or whether in fact, the pressures of lockdown led to an increase in relationship breakdowns.
As we enter a second lockdown, I do not believe that we will see the initial dip that we saw last time as the way lawyers and family courts work has become a familiar situation. People are now used to accessing services remotely, and ongoing cases will continue.
However, the extra pressure of a second lockdown could push already strained relationships towards separation or divorce.
Surviving the strain of a second lockdown
Has the novelty of working from home, having additional time to pursue hobbies such as yoga or baking that life was too busy to do before worn off?
Will we see the extra strain on parties’ relationship and an increase in separation or will we find that couples have survived this for much longer before and these few weeks will be a breeze?
Our experience from clients is that facing the long-term implications of lockdown: financial difficulty, emotional wellbeing, health worries, differing approaches to the risk of the virus and being unable to socialise, are adding an extra strain on couples’ relationships.
This is backed by research undertaken by Stowe earlier this year which revealed that a lack of personal space topped the list of pressures people felt living with a partner (17%)—closely followed by mental health and financial difficulty (16%).
Other pressures such as work stress (13.5%) and finding a partner irritating (13%) were also common factors.
Isolating in an abusive relationship
Sadly, the impact of a lockdown for those isolated in an abusive relationship can be devasting.
During the first lockdown, tragically, ten women and two children were killed at the hands of their abusive partners.
For those people in abusive relationships, a second lockdown is petrifying with the thought of a further five weeks without being able to escape.
However, for anyone in this situation, please be aware that the government guidance is very clear and household isolation instructions DO NOT apply if you need to leave your home to escape domestic abuse, regardless of what your partner may say.
It became very clear during the last lockdown that resources are severally underfunded, and many urgent calls were made to the government to rectify this.
Help and support are available – you can find a list of resources on the Women’s Aid website and how a family lawyer can help here.
Family lawyers and the courts continue to sit and are fully operational, so if you need support, please do not hesitate to contact one of our specialist family law experts to guide you through this difficult time.
If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, you must contact the police immediately on 999.
Further support
If you are finding the second lockdown tough you can access further articles on surviving lockdown here or for recommendations for counsellors and therapists that can offer additional support; please do access our Divorce Directory.
Get in touch
If you would like any advice during the lockdown, please do contact our Client Care Team to speak to one of our specialist divorce lawyers here.
We are offering virtual consultations for anyone needing family law or divorce advice and all clients.
To arrange your consultation, call us on 0330 404 6063, and we will book in an appointment at a time to suit you. More
By Cheryl Maguire
It is so easy to nag at our kids in response to what they are (or are not!) doing, but experts say that you can gain more compliance and a happier family if you follow some basic guidelines.
“Parents can develop a habit of expecting their children to simply comply with demands made of them and nagging is a reactive behavior to increase compliance,” says Dr. Linda Kudla, a clinical psychologist at The Child and Family Institute.
Dr. Kudla explains that adolescents will typically respond to nagging by either avoiding their parent (which leads to an increase in nagging and perpetuates the problem) or react with more challenging behaviors (such as continued/increased non-compliance, lying, sneaking, etc.).
Dr. Sherry Kelly, a clinical psychologist and neuropsychologist in Hartford, C.T., says, “Generally, nagging results from a difference in expectations. Like a bad math problem, if your expectations are significantly different from your teens’ expectations, they will disappoint you and you will nag.”
Dr. Kelly explains that parents should stop nagging because this type of behavior can cause symptoms of depression and anxiety in teens.
Here are some solutions on ways parents can change their nagging behavior:
Clarify Expectations
It is important to clarify what your expectations are so that you and your teen are on the same page.
“Parents often have expectations that exceed actual life events. Be clear about what you want for your teens and listen to what they tell you about what they want,” says Dr. Kelly.
Understand Nagging Is Due to Fears
Figure out what you are afraid of and then either discuss these fears with your teen or find a way to manage it.
“Nagging can be a sign of anxiety. When parents nag, they often feel anxious for their child and the nagging helps reduce their anxiety because it makes them feel like they have a sense of control,” says Amy Rollo, M.A., LSSP, LPA, LPC, a licensed psychotherapist in Houston, TX.
Understand this is a Normal Phase of Development
Teens may not follow through with their parents’ requests because they are going through a normal stage of development of being independent from their parents.
“Teenagers are gaining independence. It is normal for them to rebel or not always follow through, as it is part of this stage of development,” says Rollo.
Amanda Sasek, MS LMFT, a licensed marriage & family therapist in Plymouth, MN concurs. “Parents need to recognize this is a normal developmental stage and work with it instead of against it. They need to remind themselves every day that their teen not listening to them is usually not an attack against them, but teenagers are trying to assert control at a time where they feel they have very little control,” says Sasek.
“Teenagers are gaining independence. It is normal for them to rebel or not always follow through, as it is part of this stage of development.”
-Amy Rollo, M.A., LSSP, LPA, LPC
Create Goals with Your Teen
If parents and teens have a common goal, then they are more likely to work together.
“Sit down with your teen and discuss the chores that need to be done, and then ask what they would like to do and when they would like to do them,” says Sasek.
Dr. Kudla explains that an appropriate approach might be to observe and describe the situation, while working toward a democratic and mutually acceptable compromise.
“For example, saying ‘I notice you haven’t cleaned up your room yet. What’s up?’ then validating the reasons that it hasn’t happened yet and wondering what might help make it easier.” She goes on to say, “Ask if they need time or some help or suggest a fun outing to celebrate after it’s done.”
Reframe Nagging into a Caring Response
Dean Beckloff, PhD, LPC-S, founder of The Beckloff Behavioral Center in Dallas, Texas says instead of thinking in terms of nagging your teens to alternate their behavior, reframe it as ‘herding’ them toward the better decisions. And he says if you are helping a kid to get back on track, a basic principle is to use as few words as possible and choose your words wisely. “That immediately helps you not sound like you are nagging,” he says. He also suggests using common politeness when giving direction. “A teen is looking to be treated more like an adult so determine how you would say something to an adult and do the same with your teen.”
Dr. Kelly recommends ending the cycle of nagging behavior by implementing PAR: Prepare, Accommodate, and Reframe.
She explains what PAR means by saying, “Anticipate and PREPARE yourself for the situation that will trigger nagging responses. Second, ACKNOWLEDGE and ACCOMMODATE how you might feel (frustrated); and, third, REFRAME your nagging response into something helpful.” She goes on to say, “This is particularly important for parents to learn because nagging often is cloaked around criticism. You may feel like you are trying to manage or help get your teen in gear, but your teen may hear it as criticism.”
These experts agree that most issues can be resolved with compromise; and when adolescents feel like their parents understand and respect them, they’re more likely to have stronger relationships with them and less stress overall in their already stressful teenage lives.
“A teen is looking to be treated more like an adult so determine how you would say something to an adult and do the same with your teen.”
-Dean Beckloff, PhD, LPC-S
Show Gratitude
“There are several studies that show acknowledging gratitude immediately ‘lights up the brain,’ softens the stress center of your brain, and makes you healthier and happier,” says Dr. Kelly.
If you show appreciation for the things your teens do, then they will be more likely to do them in the future.
And, Dr. Beckloff reminds us that it is wise to seek support when need be, whether that be a teacher, a tutor or a professional counselor. More
