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    Co-parenting at Christmas: Tips for a peaceful holiday season

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    Co-parenting at Christmas often means juggling chaos, compromise, and creative scheduling, all with the added pressure to keep the peace and make the holidays special. Here are our tips for the weeks ahead.
    From working out holiday plans together and navigating more frequent interactions with your ex, to involving new partners and maintaining ties with your former in-laws, the festive season can feel like a tricky balancing act.
    While it’s natural to feel some stress, a little planning, flexibility, and a positive approach can go a long way in creating a Christmas that works well for everyone, especially the children.
    Putting the children first
    We can all agree, Christmas is about the children, and it’s essential to keep their needs and happiness at the forefront of your plans. Whether this is your first Christmas after divorce, or you’ve had a few years to get used to things, to make the season easier for them there are a few simple steps you can take.
    Agree on a shared plan
    Work together with your ex to ensure the children can enjoy time with both of you without feeling rushed or pulled between two homes. Having a clear and joint plan not only helps avoid confusion and conflict for co-parents, but for children too who can feel prepared and safe in the knowledge they’ll get time with both parents. This might mean splitting the day between both homes or agreeing on specific days for things like Christmas dinner or gift exchanges. Read more about dividing Christmas with your ex.
    Balance traditions with flexibility
    If you have cherished family traditions, it’s understandable that you’ll want to keep them going, but a little flexibility can go a long way. Discuss the traditions most important to you with your co-parent and agree a realistic way to divide them. The key is to avoid putting pressure on the kids to “choose” one tradition or family over the other, ensuring that they have special moments with both sides of the family.
    Reinvent your Christmas
    Christmas is the perfect time to start new traditions. Forget about the rule book and focus on the things that will truly bring your family joy. Whether it’s replacing turkey with your favourite foods on Christmas day or creating fresh ways to celebrate with the people who matter to you most now, these changes can redefine the holidays so they reflect your family as it is now.

    Managing more time with your ex
    Spending extra time with your ex during the holiday season can be unavoidable but no less challenging, especially if your relationship is still difficult. Focusing on common parenting goals can help keep things civil and make co-parenting at Christmas a little easier.

    Focus on the children’s needs
    When communication is focused on the well-being of your children, it’s easier to prevent conversations from slipping into old patterns and disputes. If it helps, keep things business-like and to the point. Keep things on track by agreeing on specific times to discuss important matters. Confirm the plans you’ve made in a message or email is a good way to check you’re on the same page and prevent future misunderstandings.
    Set boundaries
    While spending time with your ex over Christmas might be on the cards, you don’t have to be best friends. Setting clear and respectful boundaries can help keep things positive and productive. Give yourself a set time to leave so you’re in control of the situation, and if needed, stay in the same room but keep some physical space. Focus your conversations on the present and the needs of the children, avoiding any past issues that could cause tension.
    Remember the bigger picture
    Even if you’re feeling frustrated, reminding yourself that your children will benefit from their parents’ cooperation can make these moments feel more manageable.
    Including new partners
    The arrival of a new partner in your life can bring both excitement and a few challenges, especially when it comes to family holidays. Whether it’s you with the new partner or your ex, this change can stir up a mix of emotions and make things feel a little uncertain.
    Communicate early
    If you’re planning to have your new partner involved in any holiday activities, it’s best to have an open and honest conversation with your ex in advance. Talk about how you plan to spend the day and ensure that your ex is comfortable with the arrangement.
    Be mindful of the children
    Children may need time to adjust to your new partner, especially if the relationship is still new. Keep an eye on how the kids are handling the situation and give them space to process these changes. The key is not to force interactions but to allow things to evolve naturally.
    Respect boundaries
    Whether it’s you or your ex with a new partner, respecting each other’s relationships is important, even if it’s challenging. You get to decide how much or how little you want to interact with your ex’s new partner, all while keeping things calm and positive for your children.
    Navigating the Conversation: Telling Your Children About Your New Partner After Divorce

    Spending time with ex-in-laws
    Another challenge during the holidays for separated parents is seeing their former in-laws. There’s often a lot of history involved, and you will likely see less of them now you’ve separated.  Whether you’re spending time with them out of tradition, for the sake of the children, or simply because you still get along, it can be a delicate balance.
    Respect their role in your children’s lives
    Your ex-in-laws are still important figures in your children’s lives, and it’s often in their best interests for you to maintain a relationship with them. If possible, encourage your children to spend time with their grandparents or other important relatives on your ex’s side of the family.
    Keep things civil
    Even if you and your ex’s family aren’t as close as you once were, it’s worthwhile remaining civil. After all, the holiday season is a time for harmony, and increasing tensions won’t help anyone. Remember, you’re there for the kids and their happiness, not for any personal vendettas.
    Set boundaries as needed
    If spending time with ex-in-laws feels emotionally difficult, be honest with yourself and them. It’s okay to politely decline an invitation to join your in-laws if you feel it would be too stressful.
    Could Parallel Parenting be right for you and your co-parent?
    For some co-parents, limiting interaction or sticking rigidly to tried and tested arrangements is the only way to keep things calm and manageable. When past tensions or difficult dynamics make communication challenging or impossible, it’s perfectly okay to set boundaries that reduce contact whilst still allowing children to see each parent.
    Read more about parallel parenting, a co-parenting approach often recommended after high conflict divorce.
    Useful links
    Blended families and stepparents: A beginners guide

    How to embrace being single at Christmas More

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      Legal Q&A: “We’re separating after 16 years, what are our rights?”

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      Family Lawyer Judit Kerese answers key questions about unmarried separation and shares guidance on how separating parents can secure and future-proof their agreements, even without the formal legal framework of a divorce.

      “After 16 years of marriage, we’re separating and unsure what our legal rights are. We have two children, aged 7 and 10, and their happiness and stability are our top priority. We both work full-time and we own our home. We’re considering birdnesting to minimise disruption for the kids. The family home is our main asset, so we need to figure out how to make this financially feasible. We’re on good terms, but navigating the practicalities of separation is feeling overwhelming.”

      Q: Does not being married affect our legal rights in separation?
      A: First of all, I completely understand how overwhelming separation must feel, especially after sharing a life and family for so long. With some guidance we can help to ease the strain on you both.
      It’s important to know the law in the England and Wales does not recognise “common law marriages,” even after 16 years of cohabitation. This means that you don’t have the same legal protections a divorcing couple would have when it comes to dividing assets or seeking financial support from each other.
      As your main asset is the jointly owned home, we’d need to check whether you own the property as joint tenants, where both owners have equal rights to the whole property and it automatically passes to the surviving owner upon death, or tenants in common, where each owner holds a specific share of the property that can be passed on to beneficiaries of their choice.
      If you are joint tenants, you both own the entire property equally, and severing this agreement might be worth considering so you each have a defined share. This also ensures that your portion can be passed on to someone of your choice through your Will, rather than it automatically going to your ex-partner. 
      This is a lot to process, but knowing where you stand legally is a crucial first step. 
      Read more about property and separation: Buying a home with my partner: What if we split?
      Q: We’ve decided on a 50/50 parenting arrangement after separation. How can we ensure this works well for the children in the long term?
      A: It’s commendable that you’ve come together to agree on shared parenting. Having both parents equally involved can help give your children a sense of stability as they adapt. 
      Once you’ve agreed detailed arrangements for your children between yourselves, we recommend that you draw up a parenting plan to refer back to if needed. This is a written agreement that can outline a range of decisions including:

      How you will rotate childcare.
      Who picks the kids up from school.
      How holidays and birthdays will be managed.
      Decisions about school and health.
      How costs and expenses will be split.
      Parenting approach and boundaries.
      How often you will review the parenting plan.
      Any detail that is important to you and your family.

      This plan helps minimise misunderstandings or disputes further down the line and helps to ensure everyone involved knows what to expect.
      Q: What are our options if we can’t see eye-to-eye?
      Even with the best intentions, disputes can arise and create barriers to amicable agreements.
      If you and your ex are not able to resolve issues between yourselves, family mediation can help. With the support of an impartial mediator, you can talk matters through and find solutions collaboratively. If mediation is unsuccessful, you can enlist the help of a Family Lawyer who will negotiate on your behalf and work to forge a plan that meet’s your child’s needs.
      Where issuing court proceedings is the only way to find a viable resolution, your lawyer can help you apply for a Child Arrangements Order through the court. This means a judge will decide where the children will live and how much time they spend with each parent, making it a last resort when all other avenues have been exhausted.
      It’s never easy, but being proactive about planning can prevent unnecessary distress for children and parents alike.

      Q: We want to keep the house and ‘birdnest’ so the children can stay in their home. Is this realistic? 
      A: Birdnesting, where the children stay in the family home and the parents take turns living there, can provide a sense of stability for the kids when other aspects of their life are changing. It means they can stay in familiar surroundings, which can be incredibly reassuring.
      However, this long-term arrangement comes with challenges, especially financially. It’s likely you will would need to maintain three homes: the family home and each of your separate living spaces. This could place a significant financial burden on both of you. Plus, over time, things may change, new relationships, different financial circumstances, or just the toll of maintaining such an arrangement long-term can make it difficult. 
      A practical solution would be to review the arrangement regularly. If it becomes too challenging, it’s important to have a plan in place to reassess the situation. Maybe you decide together when the children reach a certain age to move towards a more traditional arrangement. Flexibility will be key here. 
      Q: What about child maintenance or financial support, how does that work? 
      A: Child maintenance is handled by the Child Maintenance Service (CMS) in most cases, which ensures both parents contribute to the children’s expenses. Since you’ve agreed on 50/50 parenting, maintenance may not be necessary unless one of you earns significantly more than the other. In that case, adjustments could be made to ensure the children’s needs are met. There is a useful government tool to help you calculate child maintenance and ensure your children continue to get the right financial support as they grow up.
      Many parents decide to agree that additional payments, such as the cost of extra-curricular activities, are met jointly or in proportion with each parent’s respective income. 
      It’s worth noting that because you’re not married, there’s no right to spousal maintenance. However, if one parent struggles to meet the children’s basic needs using their own resources and child maintenance payments, they can apply for financial support under Schedule 1 of the Children Act. 
      Q: As we separate, should we make a legal agreement to protect ourselves and the children?
      A: Yes, I would highly recommend drafting a detailed separation agreement. This can outline how you’ll handle day-to-day financial responsibilities, maintenance of the family home, who can and cannot stay at the property, and how decisions about the children will be made. While this type of agreement isn’t strictly legally binding, courts often take it into account if disputes arise later. It also serves as a helpful guide to avoid misunderstandings. 
      It’s a good idea to include some flexibility and provision for review of the agreement. Life changes – whether it’s finances, living arrangements, or new relationships – so it’s important to have clauses that allow you to review, adjust, and even end, the agreement as needed. For example, you might decide to sell the family home in the future, and having a clear plan for how that will be handled could prevent conflicts when the time comes. 
      Understanding the broader impact of separation
      Separating after such a long time, especially when you share children, is an emotional and complex process. You’re not just navigating the practical aspects of splitting assets and parenting, but also dealing with a huge emotional shift in your family’s life. 
      Being mindful of the toll this takes on you all means that clear communication and careful planning will be your strongest tools. The goal is to find solutions that work for everyone, allowing your children to feel supported and secure while giving you both the space to move forward with your lives. 
      Summary of recommendations for separating parents

      Legal advice on home ownership: Determine if you own the house as joint tenants or tenants in common. If it’s joint tenants, consider severing the tenancy to formalise each partner’s share, which will protect you legally in the future. 
      Parenting plan: Formalise your 50/50 arrangement with a detailed parenting plan. This will help reduce misunderstandings and create stability for your children. 
      Financial feasibility of birdnesting: Regularly assess whether maintaining multiple homes is financially sustainable. Consider creating a separation agreement that allows for periodic reviews of this arrangement. 
      Separation agreement: Draft a separation agreement that includes financial responsibilities, maintenance of the family home, and a plan for future changes such as selling the property or new relationships. 
      Mediation for disputes: If disagreements arise, mediation can be an effective and less stressful alternative to court. It’s often less adversarial and can help keep focus on the children’s wellbeing. Do consider seeking legal advice during the mediation process.

      Separation FAQs
      Q: Will a separation agreement protect us if we fall out in the future? 
      A: While it’s not legally binding, courts often respect separation agreements if they are clear and agreed upon by both parties. Having a structured plan in place can prevent misunderstandings and disputes in the years to come. 
      Q: What happens if our financial situation changes, and we can’t afford the birdnesting arrangement anymore? 
      A: It’s important to include a clause in your separation agreement that allows for regular reviews of the birdnesting arrangement. Doing this means that if the situation becomes unaffordable, you can renegotiate or bring the arrangement to an end. 
      Q: We’re trying to avoid court. What should we do if we can’t agree on something? 
      A: Mediation is usually a great tool when discussions break down. It’s less confrontational than going to court and can help you resolve disputes in a more collaborative, and cost-effective way. It’s vital to also get independent legal advice to ensure that you understand your rights. 
      The process of separating is undoubtedly challenging on many fronts but by seeking the right guidance and taking these practical steps, you can help reduce the strain on both you and your children.  
      It’s about balancing the need for fairness and financial security, sensitively managing the emotional impact of unmarried separation, all while prioritising the needs of your children. By keeping things constructive and focused on reaching workable solutions for the future, you can navigate this transition as smoothly as possible.  
      Useful links
      Cohabitation rights and separation

      How to successfully co-parent More

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      in Children

      Cuffing Season – Should I have a post-divorce festive fling?

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      In the era of social media, and the Tik Tok generation, a lot of interesting terminology has come to the fore, particularly around relationships. ‘Cuffing Season’ gained traction in the mid-2010s and is coming back into use.
      The term is related to being ‘cuffed’ or tied down. It refers to the autumn and winter seasons where single people choose to have a short fling so they can have companionship for the colder months. Once 15th February (the day after Valentine’s Day) rolls around, it’s time to move on and the brief relationship comes to an end. If you’re divorced, this might seem tempting, but there are some things to be aware of before you get whisked away.
      We’ve all seen the movies where the single asks their best friend (or a complete stranger!) to pretend to be their partner for Christmas, or Valentine’s Day. Hollywood would have us believe that it is inevitable that the protagonist and their ‘holi-date’ fall in love. However, this is not always reality, and cuffing season can have its downsides, especially when you’ve been through divorce or a breakup.
      The Emotional Side
      If you have recently gone through divorce or a breakup of a relationship, you’re likely to be feeling a range of different emotions. Loneliness and fear of being alone after an important relationship can be a motivation for seeking out a short-term relationship and someone to spend the colder months with. There is a romanticism attached to the winter and festive season, and if you’re recently single you may feel this all the more strongly.
      However, a relationship purely for the sake of it is unlikely to make you happy in the long run.
      Dating after divorce can be a great way to move forward with your life and rebuild your self-confidence. There might even be a sense of control over the experience as you know there is a definite end point, and you don’t have to get too serious!
      But it can also be problematic. Even though it can be fun, you might still experience anxiety about a fling or get more invested than you planned to. You might end up feeling more pressure and stress than you did in being single and wanting a relationship.
      A divorce coach can help you navigate the emotional complexities of a breakup, with a view for the future and potentially dating again. We have a number of partner divorce coaches who will help you build your goals and plan what you want out of the next stage of your life. If you want to start dating again, but don’t know where to begin, a dating coach is a great place to start.

      The Legal Side
      Finances
      If you are divorced, and you’ve received your final order, you are legally no longer tied to your ex-spouse. You are free to date whoever you want, and to get married again if you wish. If you are going through the divorce process but have not yet been granted your final order, you cannot legally remarry, but you can date.
      However, if you have not got a financial consent order which legally severs your financial ties with your ex, you may need to be more careful. Even if you are divorced, your ex can still bring financial claims if you do not have a financial consent order granted by the court. This means if you receive any significant gifts, finances, or even move in with a new partner, your partner could ask you for a share.
      Equally, if you are in the midst of negotiating your financial settlement, moving in with a new partner may mean that their finances and assets are taken into account in your settlement. This can make you artificially wealthier than you are in reality, and you may end up paying more to your ex.
      Living with a new partner can cause complexities when it comes to the laws around cohabitation. Cohabitees are not viewed in the same way as married couples under English and Welsh law, and you have very few rights if you break up.
      Children
      Children are often at the heart of divorce disputes. Where parents can agree amicably, an informal parenting plan can be put in place, agreed together. If this is not possible, the court may make a legally binding child arrangements order which parents must abide by.
      In many such agreements, whether formal or informal, there can be an arrangement on introducing children to new partners. This may be that you have to wait a certain amount of time after you first start dating, or your new partner must be introduced to your ex before they meet your children.
      If you get into a short-term relationship, especially if you know there is an end date already in place, this can be difficult to navigate where children are concerned. Introducing a new partner for a brief amount of time can be confusing and upsetting for children and it is important that you manage the situation carefully. You may find it easier to not bring the new partner into their lives at all!
      How can a lawyer help?
      An expert family lawyer can advise you on the ins and outs of a new partner. If you are negotiating your financial settlement, they can give guidance on what to do to ensure the settlement is correct and fair. They can advise on best practise when it comes to child arrangements, too.
      Family lawyers are there to facilitate mediation or other non-court dispute resolution methods, so you can work matters out smoothly with your ex. Some of our lawyers at Stowe are also trained mediators.
      Seek expert advice if you’re unsure on the legalities of a new relationship, particularly if you decide to move in with a new partner as there are a number of considerations to be aware of with cohabitation.
      Useful Links
      Dealing with divorce regret
      Blended families and stepparents: A beginners guide

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      Navigating the Conversation: Telling Your Children About Your New Partner After Divorce

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      Chloe O., one of our partner divorce coaches, discusses how to tell your children about your new partner after divorce.
      Divorce can be a challenging and emotionally taxing experience for parents and children alike. Amidst the changes and transitions, one delicate conversation arises: how to tell your children that you have met someone new. This pivotal discussion requires sensitivity, honesty, and a deep understanding of your children’s emotions. Here are some strategies to help you navigate this conversation with care.
      Don’t rush it
      Avoid introducing your new partner to your children right away. Remember that your children have already experienced a lot of changes in their family setup and stability is very important for them. Take time to build a strong foundation in your relationship before involving the children. It may be very exciting at first to have met someone new, but your children might still be adapting to their post-divorce family life and may require more time. If this is truly someone you intend to stay with, then waiting a few more months before introducing them won’t make a big difference. Once you do decide to take that step, respect your children’s pace in accepting your new partner. Understand that they may need time to process the news and adjust to the changes.
      Similarly, the first introduction should be kept short and informal. Take your time in expanding the amount of time the children spend with your new partner. Instead, try to use the time when they are with their other parent to focus on your love life and keep your parenting time to concentrate on the children. Steps such as your partner staying overnight when the children are at your house or going away on holidays together will need to be carefully considered and introduced only when the children have fully adapted to the new situation.
      Plan it properly
      Make sure you do things in the right order. If you are able to, the best approach would always be to speak to your ex first to align on the best approach for breaking the news. Discuss whether they want to be present when you tell the children. One of the pieces of advice I give to my clients as part of the divorce process is to establish some ground rules with regards to how new partners will be introduced. Must the relationship be of a certain duration? Does your ex get to meet the person first? How soon after the introduction will your new partner spend the night at your house or go on holidays with you and your children? If these are areas for concern, establishing a reciprocal code of conduct for these matters can help avoid conflict later on.
      As with any important conversation, you will want to make sure you consider the best time for it. This is both the best time of day/week and the best time in your child’s life. If they are going through a hard time at school for example, it may be worth waiting a few more weeks before speaking to them. In general, it is good advice to avoid discussing these topics during or immediately after significant events such holidays or birthdays. Ensure that everyone is in a calm and relaxed state of mind, free from distractions and interruptions.
      The place where you choose to have this conversation and who will be present are also important factors to consider when planning for this announcement. In general, it is best to try to keep things informal rather than set up a special occasion for the big reveal.
      Last but definitely not least, you’ll want to spend some time thinking through what exactly you want to say. Practicing with a friend can be helpful. As a Divorce Coach, I often practice role playing with clients to help them prepare answers to various possible questions or reactions from the children. In defining the words you want to use, you’ll want to consider various factors such as the children’s age, how they were affected by the divorce, how long you have been separated from their other parent, etc.

      Be honest and direct
      When discussing your new relationship, honesty is paramount. Be upfront with your children about your feelings and intentions. Use age-appropriate language and avoid hiding or sugar-coating the truth. However, refrain from divulging unnecessary details that may overwhelm or confuse them. Once again, making sure your message is fully thought through will really matter. If there is a very large age gap between you children, you may want to speak to them separately, albeit as close to each other as possible, to be able to address the specific concerns they have at their various ages.
      In the preparation phase, you will have prepared possible answers to questions and concerns your children might raise. It is absolutely acceptable to not have the answers to all their questions, and to say so! Being truthful and open is what matters most as it will make them feel comfortable with revisiting the subject later and sharing their feelings. Remember, though that you are not asking your children for permission here, you are informing them of a new situation. They will need to understand that the new relationship is a choice you have made and that it remains entirely your choice.
      Validate their feelings and reassure them
      As with the announcement of the divorce itself, your main objective is to make your children feel safe in light of this new change to their life. No matter how they react, acknowledge and validate your children’s emotions. Understand that they may experience a range of feelings, including confusion, anger, sadness, or even excitement. Encourage open communication and assure them that their feelings are valid and respected. Create a supportive environment where your children feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and asking questions. Be receptive to their feedback. Address any concerns or apprehensions they may have with empathy and understanding.
      Keep in mind that a moment that you may have spent several months planning for might end up feeling anti-climactic. You may have had months to process this latest change to your family life, but your children are only at the beginning of that journey. There is a strong chance they might not say much at first and may need some time to process before they ask any questions. Once you have explained the situation to them, whether they choose to discuss it further or not, make sure you leave the door open for questions later, when they feel ready.
      Through the words you choose and the way you position the new person, focus on reassuring your children that your love for them remains unchanged. Emphasise that your new relationship does not diminish the love and bond you share with them. Offer reassurance that they will always be a priority in your life.
      Avoid pushing your new partner onto them
      One last piece of advice: try to avoid setting up your new partner as someone they are going to love. While you clearly love that person, your child may initially reject them. Avoid phrases that suggest that they are expected to love this person the same way you do. Even if you really want them to like them, you are trying to avoid placing undue pressure on your children to feel attachment to a new parental figure. They will already instinctively know that you care for this person and that you ideally want them to have a good relationship, there is no need to point it out.
      Finally, it is always recommended to be careful with your words and actions so that your children don’t feel like your new partner is in any way replacing their other parent. Stay away from terminologies such as “step-father” or “step-mother” until the children choose to use them, and no matter how serious the relationship gets, don’t make them call your new partner “Mum” or “Dad”. The objective here is to avoid pressuring them to embrace your relationship and to allow them to express their thoughts and concerns openly.
      Conclusion
      Telling your children about your new partner after divorce is a significant milestone in your journey as a family. Approach the conversation with sensitivity, honesty, and empathy. Validate your children’s feelings, reassure them of your love, and respect their pace in accepting the changes. By fostering open communication and creating a supportive environment, you can navigate this transition with care and compassion, strengthening the bond within your family along the way.
      More about Chloe
      Chloe O is a Certified Divorce Coach and conflict resolution specialist. She works with her clients to support them through the ups and downs of divorce, helping them to part ways more peacefully in order to preserve their children’s and their own wellbeing. Chloe offers a free discovery call for new clients, so don’t hesitate to get in touch if you want to discuss your specific situation and challenges.
      Useful Links
      More by Chloe O.
      Starting your divorce with the right negotiation mindset
      What to avoid doing on social media during your divorce

      Other Links
      Can my ex stop me moving away with the children?
      Separated parents choosing schools
      How to support teenagers through divorce
      Blended families and step-parents – a beginners guide

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      Does divorce affect your right to ‘sharent’?

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      Sharenting after divorce
      Harmless sharing or a breach of privacy? In this current era of social media, most of us have seen online content featuring other people’s children. Celebrities, influencers, family, friends, and even distant acquaintances, document details of their home lives and the children they’re raising via photos, videos and updates, often referred to as ‘sharenting’.
      We’ve been documenting life long before social media. However, the widespread cultural norm of sharing our lives online means that what would previously have been treasured photo albums, family footage and diaries, are now permanent, publicly accessible, digital footprints.
      Abi Jones, Associate and member of the South West & Wales family law team at Stowe, explores the debate further and looks at how divorce can affect your right to share your children on social media.
      Where do you draw the line?
      Maybe you’re marking your kid’s birthday with a nostalgic roundup of photos, sharing the obligatory ‘first day back at school’ snap, or posting snippets of your family holiday. Sharing on Instagram or Facebook is a way of recording these moments for posterity and letting others share in your joy.
      But what one parent considers appropriate, the other might feel less comfortable with. Coparents with differing views about sharenting can find navigating the question of how much to share of your chid online, tricky.
      The process of divorce or separation can widen the gap between your views and nudge you into addressing how best to manage your child’s online presence.
      So, what can you do if you and your ex-partner disagree about how much to share online about your kids?
      When you and your ex disagree about sharenting
      Formal agreements about how parents will care for their children after they’ve split up are usually made using a child arrangements order, a legal order made via the family court.
      However, child arrangements order don’t usually address the boundaries that separated parents set for sharing information about their children online.
      The family court isn’t there to enforce uniform parenting styles. Its role is to ensure that parenting meets a basic minimum standard and that each party has an arrangement that prioritises the children’s well-being—emotionally, physically, and psychologically—and supports their relationship with each parent.
      However, if one party raises concerns about what is being shared on social media by the other parent, the court may have a view on whether it is appropriate and whether it should continue.
      How could Sharenting be included in a Child Arrangements Order?
      It’s possible to include agreed sharenting boundaries in a Child Arrangements Order as either a recital, featuring as a condition of contact, or in extreme circumstances it may be included within a Prohibited Steps Order where the online sharing is deemed as particularly detrimental.
      What if you or your ex ignores the agreed sharenting boundaries?
      The implications of somebody breaching the terms of a Child Arrangements Order or Prohibited Steps Order would depend on the circumstances of the agreement.
      For example, divorced parents include restrictions for sharing content about their children online in their Child Arrangements Order, then years later return to court to amend their order to suit their child’s evolving needs. If during proceedings it emerges that one parent violated the agreement, this breach could affect the court’s perception of that parent and have implications for them as the look to make future child arrangements.
      Balancing parental rights over children’s right to privacy
      There’s ongoing debate about the child’s right to privacy, and whether children should be posted online before they can decide for themselves.
      Parents have the authority to make decisions for their children until they turn 16, when they’re typically considered competent enough to make decisions independently. However, there’s a delicate balance between parental decisions and respecting the child’s right to privacy.
      These competing rights often clash, and there’s currently no clear-cut answer. Ultimately, those with parental responsibility must exercise discretion in what they share online about their child.
      Legalities of sharing social media content without a minor’s consent
      Establishing whether the content shared about a child is appropriate can be challenging for the court but if deemed inappropriate, they may order the content to be removed.
      In some jurisdictions, children who reach maturity have taken their parents to court for breaching their human rights through “sharenting,” but it would be up to the child to take legal action later.
      Other concerns about sharenting
      For the cautious, sharenting poses safeguarding concerns including child exploitation, risks related to facial recognition, identity theft and deep fakes, nefarious use by criminals and security risks like tracking via information shared about home and school locations.
      Other significant considerations include whether it’s ethical to post content about your child online without their consent, and impinge on their human right to privacy. Not to mention how sharing their personal lives might make them feel now, and in the future.
      Get in touch
      If you and your ex would like to look into making a a formal agreement about sharing your children on social media, our family law team can help you. Get in touch using the details below. More

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      How to support teenagers through divorce

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      It’s common to worry about how divorce or separation will affect your children, particularly teenagers. Adolescents are already experiencing a natural stage of transformation, so how does divorce affect teenage children?
      Reassuringly, when parents show unwavering love for their child and continue to work together to prioritise the wellbeing of their family, teenagers can adapt to their new family dynamic over time, and thrive.
      In this article, we share advice to help you support your teenage children through your divorce or separation.
      Navigating divorce or separation with teenage children
      Divorce is an unsettling time for any family, but with teenagers’ growing maturity and burgeoning independence, their experience of divorce is different when compared to younger children.
      Teenage independence
      One of the most significant aspects of managing divorce with teenagers is that unlike younger children, their relative maturity means they can form complex views and assert their wishes.
      This can make things challenging as divorcing parents. For example, it means you may see a wider range of emotions compared to younger children, your teenage child might draw conclusions that aren’t based on your family’s reality, and they’re likely to have friends whose parents have separated, which can influence what they expect will happen.
      Telling your teenage child you’re divorcing
      The way you approach conversations with teens about divorce can influence how they take the news and begin to process it.
      Some teenagers may recognise that their parents’ relationship has been under strain, while others may be oblivious. Either way, the news that you’re planning to divorce can still come as a total surprise.
      Here are some suggestions for discussing divorce with teens:

      Share the news together as parents to show you’re still united as parents
      Be honest and upfront
      But spare them unnecessary detail about their parents’ relationship struggles
      Choose a suitable time to discuss divorce, free of distraction
      Don’t leave it until the last minute to tell them or wait until significant changes happen
      Provide detailed information about how the divorce will affect their life
      Explain things in full so they don’t have to fill in the gaps themselves
      Pitch the conversation at the right level for them; don’t dumb down or over-complicate
      Be open to answering teens’ questions
      Prepare yourself for a more self-centered response than younger children
      Give teens space to process their feelings
      Avoid pushing them to talk before they’re ready
      Expect possible boundary testing but maintain consistent rules
      Maintain normalcy in your teens’ routine to provide stability
      If changes are necessary, like moving to a new home, transition gradually
      If a move requires changing schools, consider finishing the term or school year first
      Map out a plan for holidays and special occasions so they can prepare for changes
      Encourage your teen to express their emotions and offer them a safe space to do
      Be present with them as much as you can, to reinforce your ongoing support.

      Seeing separation from their perspective
      Taking the time to see things from your teenager’s perspective is important.
      Avoid second guessing how they feel and instead give them the space to tell you truthfully, even if it’s not what you expect to hear.
      Emotions can range between anger and blame, to feelings of guilt and grief, or even relief. Acknowledge and validate all their feelings.
      Reassure them it’s not their fault
      Children and young people often blame themselves when things go wrong. They might believe the separation wouldn’t have happened if they were different or that they could have prevented it by acting differently.
      Assure them it’s not their fault; children are never responsible for their parents’ divorce or separation.
      Tackle issues that affect them directly
      Divorce is likely to raise significant questions for your teenager like with whom, and where, they will live. Respond to these concerns in full to avoid doubt and unnecessary worry.
      Even if the future outcome is still unknown, let them know when a final decision is likely to be reached and be clear about what the interim plans are.
      Reassure your teenager that they will still see both parents regularly.
      Considering their wishes
      Depending on their age, you might want to discuss future living arrangements with your child, allowing them to choose who they live with. This can spare older teenagers from living between two homes, a common solution for younger families.
      However, be clear that your child will maintain regular contact with both parents.
      Make space for difficult conversations
      Children often experience conflicting emotions during their parents’ separation, and this can be difficult for all involved.
      They may take sides, feeling protective of one parent and angry with the other, or they may even hold themselves responsible.
      Avoid pressuring them to make sense of it all quickly, instead allow them the space to process their feelings at their own pace, with your support.
      Minimise confusion by addressing their concerns directly and fully, in an age-appropriate way.
      Remember, you’re the adult 
      With the best will in the world, you can’t anticipate exactly how your child will process the news of your divorce. Whichever way they react, try to stay non-judgemental and remember all feelings are valid – even if they’re different to yours.
      It’s easy to feel hurt or frustrated when met with insults or silence from your teenager, but it’s essential for parents to remain the grownups in the situation.
      This means refraining from expressing your own frustration or anger at their reaction, and instead maintaining open communication and offering reassurance and guidance.
      Additionally, as the parent, you are responsible for making the effort to remain engaged and connected to your teenagers during and after divorce. Even if they are less enthusiastic while they adjust, keep trying.
      How will divorce affect our teenage children? 
      In some cases, divorce can affect other aspects of a teenager’s life including education, relationships, and wellbeing. As parents, it’s important to be attuned to potential changes as your family transitions to your new normal.
      Divorce and separation are common. By cooperating with your coparent and continuing to put the needs of your children first, you can help your teen navigate all the challenges.
      Kids are resilient, right?
      We often hear how resilient and adaptable children are, and that can certainly be true.
      But while teenagers appear to be coping, deflection or avoidance can be a valid reaction in itself.
      They may not react to divorce in the same manner as young children and adult children of divorce, but teenagers’ emotional experience shouldn’t be overlooked.
      How to support your teenager through your divorce
      Despite the challenges, there are ways that parents can help their teenage children cope with divorce. Open communication, consistency, and maintaining a supportive and loving environment are key.
      However, managing divorce with teenage children requires empathy and patience, not always easy when you’re dealing with your own feelings about the split.
      With your support. parents can help their teenagers navigate the difficult transition and emerge strong on the other side.
      Other useful articles:
      How to support children through divorce
      6 tips for adult children of divorce
      Split decision: How to talk to your children about separation
      My ex and I can’t agree on our child’s school
      The rise in birdnesting after divorce More

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      in Children

      What do you say to a friend whose marriage is ending?

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      Sometimes, when people admit that their marriage is unsustainable, for whatever reason, the reaction of family, friends, even strangers on the internet can be judgmental or pitying. However, what someone in this situation needs are words and actions of support and comfort, as well as professional and legal guidance.
      We are joined on the blog by Divorce Coach Rebecca Spittles, who explores her own experience of the initial stages of separation, and what to say to a friend whose marriage is ending.
      ‘“It’s a shame you couldn’t have just tried a bit harder…”
      Nothing hits harder when you have made the decision to leave. When will people understand that getting divorced is an absolute last resort?
      Contrary to popular belief, and in my experience both personally and professionally, no one actually wants to get divorced. Reaching the point of separation, especially when there are children in the mix, is the most gut wrenching, stomach turning, vomit-inducing feeling you could ever imagine if you’ve not been there.
      I don’t wish divorce on anyone. When I took my vows I took them for life, like my parents, my grandparents and all that surrounded me. I wanted that security and comfort that everyone seeks from marriage. Even simple things I was excited about, for example to have the same surname as my husband and then of my child. It was so, so important.
      Just imagine how it felt when I knew that no matter how hard I tried, the union I was in was not meant to be?
      My parents were amazing. On several occasions I came close to uttering the words separation and every time they would come up with some kind words and injected a bit more strength into me to keep going. Marriage isn’t easy.
      My sister was the best. Constantly encouraging me, being a sounding board but never once suggesting being apart was an option.
      The toughest part of my situation was that, in order for our relationship to be harmonious, one or both of us had to completely stifle their key personality traits. Not sustainable.
      Our opinions on every single little thing were different and it ended with one or both of us feeling sad or resentful or angry as there wasn’t space for compromise.
      Compromise. The word bandied around all the time when it comes to being in a relationship. What if compromise actually meant giving in? Taking on the view of the other person so that life could just about be normal? What if compromise was only one sided and the only way for the other person to ever be happy was to always do what they wanted?
      I made several huge changes. Gave up my brilliant job so I could be at home. Gave up financial independence and poured every penny into the joint account. I started asking to do things and to buy things and slowly I disappeared. But still there was no happiness.
      After 2 long years following the birth of our daughter I asked for a separation. The answer was ‘No’. Clearly, I ‘didn’t care about my marriage’. I did. I wanted it more than I have ever wanted anything in my life to work but I was empty. Nothing left.
      In the end, two days after New Years Eve, I left after a huge row (something I learned is never the best way to leave).
      I picked up our daughter and stepped out of the front door and I will always remember the feeling of this being ‘it’. We were completely over. I drove to my parents with a sleeping toddler, arrived and cried. I cried and cried.
      Eventually he moved out to his Mum’s temporarily so that I could come home with our daughter and work, and she could have contact with her Dad.
      I am writing this so that next time someone utters the words ‘I want to leave my husband/wife’ just listen. Ask why, not so you can tell her why they should stay but so that you can understand quite how far they have come to be able to say this out loud.
      If you’ve been through it, please, please offer comfort, what they don’t need is the gore of your breakup or divorce. There is plenty of time for that later!
      Share your emotion and empathise because you more than many truly know where they are at.
      Finally, for all of us sat with the friend who says their relationship is over, just help. They will be a wreck for a while to come, from being so strong to being a crying mess on the floor. An angry confused teenager-esque stage will rear its ugly head at some point along with bitterness and probably a fair bit of drunkenness.
      Just be there for them. They will come out the other side. They will never be the same again, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.’
      Rebecca Spittles is a Divorce Coach providing personalised emotional and practical support and coaching to help individuals navigate their divorce or separation.
       You can find out more about Rebecca on her website or via her LinkedIn. 
      Useful links
      My partner’s a good person but I’m not happy
      When ‘I do’ becomes ‘I don’t’: Navigating the path to divorce and what to do next
      What to do if you think your marriage is over

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      in Children

      The Impact of the Housing Crisis on Divorcing Couples

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      Whilst the impact of the cost-of-living crisis is ongoing, the housing crisis in the UK has taken a front seat in the media. The market has seen record high mortgage rates which has become a battleground for divorcing couples, as well as sky-high rental prices and a lack of housing.
      These issues are having a significant impact on divorcing couples across the country.
      Housing is often a contentious subject in divorce proceedings, as couples fight over whether to keep the family home, and, if they do, who gets to live in it. As mortgage rates have risen, what to do with the marital property has become an increasingly tricky subject.
      What happens to the home in divorce?
      Generally, there are three options for divorcing couples when it comes to property. The first is to sell the house and pay off whatever mortgage is left. They then divide any equity. This money is used to put a deposit down on a new house or to rent a property.
      The second option is to keep the family home and the mortgage in both names. The couple agree to sell the property at a later date, for example when their youngest child turns 18.
      Finally, in some divorces, one party will buy out the other’s interest in the house and transfer ownership into their sole name.
      If you decide to sell the marital home, equity is apportioned according to various factors, including the borrowing capacity of each party.
      Nevertheless, being able to afford two separate properties is not always guaranteed especially in the current climate.
      If you are unable to come to an agreement with your ex-spouse about your marital property, it may be necessary for the court to step in. Although the court’s starting point will be a 50/50 split of the assets, the decision will be based on fairness, depending on the needs of each party, their future earning capacity, the wellbeing of any children.
      For those going into renting, no-fault evictions are a concern. The government has again delayed the Renters (Reform) Bill. This piece of legislation would improve security for renters as it would impose restrictions and obligations on private landlords, preventing them from evicting tenants without proof under Section 21 of the Housing Act.
      What options are there?
      The housing crisis is making property decisions increasingly difficult. Combined with the impact of the cost-of-living crisis, couples going through divorce are having to think outside the box.
      Birdnesting is one such avenue. This is where the children stay in the family home, and their parents rotate into and out of the house. Each parent will have a set amount of time in the house, dependent on the child arrangement agreement.
      However, this means that they will also need a separate living arrangement, but many turn to friends or family as a temporary solution.
      However, this is not always possible. As the housing crisis continues, we will likely see more divorcing couples coming up with creative solutions to the housing issues.
      It is important to discuss all the avenues available to you with a lawyer. When there has been full financial disclosure, negotiations can begin on what the marital pot will allow.
      Useful Links
      Property in Divorce – what you need to know
      How to financially plan for your divorce: Watch on YouTube
      Top 3 Financial Considerations
      Budgeting Solo in the Cost of Living Crisis: Watch on YouTube
      Can I afford to divorce my partner?
      Dangers of a DIY Divorce: Listen on Spotify
      Taking control of your finances on separation and beyond: Listen on Spotify More

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      in Children

      November Stowe Support roundup

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      Stowe Support is a dedicated home for Stowe’s free resources designed to help inform and support anyone with family law concerns.
      With new blogs, guides, podcasts, videos and events shared each month, here’s a handy Stowe Support roundup from the past month in case you missed anything.
      Here’s your monthly roundup of Stowe Support resources in case you missed anything.
      Latest blogs from Stowe
      Divorce finances: How DIY divorce can backfire
      What is a Financial Settlement and How Does It Work?
      Blended families and stepparents: A beginners guide
      Unique Challenges of LGBTQIA+ Divorce
      I’m not the ‘breadwinner’ in my divorce
      How do separated parents split Christmas?
      Watch recent webinars
      Cardiff Break Up Club: Surviving Christmas after separation
      Stowe talks 23/24: Parenting alongside a narcissist with Dr Supriya McKenna
      Listen to Stowe talks podcasts on Spotify

      Stowe Support
      To explore our full range of resources dedicated to helping people with family law matters, visit Stowe Support.
      Here you’ll find a wealth of helpful guides, videos and blogs on divorce and separation, finances, children, domestic abuse, cohabitation, alternative parenting, mediation, as well as support with relationships and wellness. More