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      Why is September a popular month for divorce?

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      The impact of the summer holidays 
      September is usually a busy month for family lawyers, as it is a popular month for divorce. There tends to be an increase in divorce enquiries, particularly in comparison to August, which is quieter as families enjoy the long summer holidays.
      In fact, the summer break is sometimes seen as a reason for the rise in divorce enquiries in September. Families commonly spend more time together, and this can expose cracks in the relationship that may not otherwise have come to the surface.
      A similar phenomenon happens every January, termed by the media as ‘Divorce Day’. Divorce Day is the first working Monday of the year and has historically been the busiest day of the year for divorce enquiries, as the impact of a stressful Christmas and New Year takes its toll on relationships.
      For struggling couples, the summer holidays can bring deep-rooted issues out into the open. More time spent together, the need to provide entertainment for children, the financial demands of a holiday, and the pressure of having to be seen to have fun and be a happy family, can push relationships to the limit. 
      One of the key issues we as family lawyers see in September is how money worries surface after increased spending over the holidays. 
      Mortgage rates and economic uncertainty 
      Financial issues often play a significant role in relationship breakdown. They have been cited as the cause for a relationship breakdown in record numbers at Stowe over the past 18 months.
      Money can be a sensitive topic for even the strongest of couples. For those already struggling in their relationship, it can prove to be the final straw.
      Increasing mortgage rates are having a considerable impact on couples in the UK, potentially leading to consideration of divorce.
      Some couples are starting to see old deals (some as low as 2%) expire and new five-year fixed rates reach 6%, potentially more in coming months.
      Here at Stowe, we conducted a survey of 600 people across the UK on how mortgage rates are affecting families and relationships.
      The survey revealed that 82% of respondents have been or will be financially impacted by the inflation of mortgage rates.
      Almost a quarter (23%) responded they can no longer afford to pay their mortgage. Over half of the respondents said they were experiencing friction within their marriage or relationship because of this issue. 
      Over the cost-of-living crisis, divorce enquiries have risen to record highs, with financial issues regularly cited as a primary reason. 
      The economic climate, coupled with the pressure of the summer holidays, could prove too much for more couples, leading to them looking into divorce in September. 
      Financial problems and domestic abuse
      However, even accounting for the ongoing economic uncertainty and the rise in mortgage rates, the rise in September for divorce enquiries may not be as significant as has been seen in previous years.
      Recently, there has been a rise in the number of people who are unable to leave their marriage or relationship due to financial problems. 
      This is all the more concerning for people who are trapped in abusive relationships who are unable to leave their partner because they cannot support themselves financially on their own. 
      Victims of domestic abuse have been hit hard by the cost-of-living crisis. This is because financial hardship is connected to increasing physical, emotional and financial abuse. 
      Furthermore, inflation, and now mortgage rises, may mean more people cannot afford to divorce or separate from their partner, particularly if the abuser is using money as a means to control their partner.
      Will September 2023 be a popular month for divorce?
      For couples wanting to start the divorce process, money will certainly play a role in the decision. However, it will be interesting to see whether the economic environment will swing matters towards the usual September increase in enquiries or whether there will be a drop in couples wanting to start divorce proceedings.
      For those who choose to end their relationship, getting the right support and legal advice is crucial. Anyone suffering abuse who finds themselves in  immediate danger, please call the police. For advice on domestic abuse please call the National Domestic Violence Helpline on 0808 2000 247.
      Useful links
      Mortgage after divorce
      How much does divorce cost?
      Effects of divorce on children
      Economic abuse
      Holidays with children after divorce
      Legal help for domestic abuse victims More

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      How to successfully co-parent

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      A key concern for divorcing parents is how they will continue to parent their children after separation and whether co-parenting will work for them. 
      There is no ‘one size fits all’ approach to co-parenting after divorce and how you move forward will be influenced by your relationship with your ex. For example, whether you are on good terms still, and whether you are both equally willing to cooperate.
      For couples who have divorced amicably and want to continue to work together to share responsibility, co-parenting is a popular post-separation parenting method.
      What is co-parenting?
      Co-parenting centres on collaboration and openness. It works best for divorced or separated parents who both want to continue to raise their children together, despite no longer being a couple.
      Co-parenting plans are unique to each family. This means co-parents can work together to make decisions that best suit their family’s needs. This amicable approach provides a helpful framework that prioritises the best interests of the children.
      How is co-parenting different to parallel parenting?
      In contrast, parallel parenting intentionally minimises communication and collaboration between separated parents. This technique is particularly helpful in divorces that involve domestic abuse, high-conflict, narcissistic partners, or where co-parenting hasn’t been successful.
      Benefits of co-parenting
      Some benefits of co-parenting include:

      Co-parenting can help children continue to feel supported, loved, and connected to both parents
      By maintaining open and respectful communication with your co-parent you can prioritise your children and their needs
      Establishing clear guidelines for co-parenting responsibilities, such as schedules, holidays, and financial contributions, you can help prevent misunderstandings
      Agreeing routines and rules between both households helps provide stability and consistency for the children.

      Tips from a family coach for successful co-parenting
      Co-parenting is an ongoing process that requires patience, understanding, and mutual co-operation. While it may be challenging at times, there are ways that you and your ex can create a successful co-parenting approach.
      Here, Nichole Farrow, divorce and family coach, shares her top tips for successful co-parenting.
      Finding a way to successfully co-parent is vital for your kids’ development and your own mental wellbeing.
      As a member of a blended family, I have witnessed firsthand the impact of painful divorces and feuding parents, which throw a long shadow over family events and future generations.
      As separated parents, it is your responsibility to find a way to co-parent for the sake of your children, and for your own good. After all, your ex isn’t going away.
      With this in mind, here are my top 7 tips on how to co-parent successfully:
      Break your news together
      Start as you mean to go on and break the news of your split together. This shows them right from the start that you are both still there for them. Don’t underestimate how much of an impact this will have on your children. This is almost certainly the most difficult thing they will ever have had to cope with.
      Let it go
      Whatever the reasons for your divorce are, and whoever you feel is to blame, let it go. The person your resentment truly harms is you. You are wasting vital energy that may be better spent elsewhere.
      Your child is not your emotional crutch
      Do not tell your children about the specifics of your divorce, the reasons for it, or how you feel about it. Instead, make sure you have a support network you can talk to, such as friends, family, or a coach, rather than your children. They are not there to serve as a sounding board for your mental health.
      Be mindful of your language
      Never bad mouth your ex to or in front of your children. This puts your children in an uncomfortable position and may unfairly make your children feel guilty or like they have to choose sides. By criticising your partner you’ll more likely cause your children to think less of you, not your partner, and you never know when your words will come back to bite you.
      Do not make them choose
      Your ex is not your rival. Making your children choose between you both will end badly for everyone and cause your children unnecessary upset. Remember, your children love you both regardless of whether you’re married or not.
      Never use your children to get back at your ex
      The damage this will do is unimaginable. Let them enjoy their childhood rather than weaponising their relationship with their other parent. After all, we are all the products of our environment. Being stuck between two warring parents might impact your childrens’ mental health now, or later in life.
      Your child is not your messenger
      Communicating with your ex directly on all matters is crucial to your success as co-parents. Using your children as a go between undermines you both and your united parenting, and again puts them in an uncomfortable place. Whether you’re sharing useful information about the week ahead, or something more important, you must be the one to let your ex know through your agreed communication methods.
      Nichole Farrow is a leading UK-based divorce coach specialising in family coaching for blended families who want to build a harmonious home life where they can all flourish. Get in touch with Nichole.
      Related links
      What the family court expects from parents

      Effects of divorce on children

      7 tips for co-parenting through the summer

      How to support children through divorce

      The rise in birdnesting after divorce More

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      July Stowe Support roundup

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      Stowe Support is a dedicated home for Stowe’s free resources designed to help inform and support anyone with family law concerns.
      With new blogs, guides, podcasts, videos and events shared each month, here’s a handy Stowe Support roundup from the past month in case you missed anything.
      Here’s your monthly roundup of Stowe Support resources in case you missed anything.
      Latest blogs:
      The role of a divorce coach
      What is parental responsibility?
      Can I afford to divorce my partner?
      Who gets the mortgage? The new divorce battleground
      The rise in birdnesting after divorce
      Why Barbie and Ken need a cohabitation agreement
       Watch July’s Stowe talks webinar:
      Stowe talks webinar – Understanding and dealing with coercive control with Dr Emma Katz
      Listen to Stowe talks podcasts on Spotify:
      Our next series of Stowe talks podcast which will be launched soon.
      But you can click to catch up on previous episodes and follow us!

      Stowe Support
      To explore our full range of resources dedicated to helping people with family law matters, visit Stowe Support.
      Here you’ll find a wealth of helpful guides, videos and blogs on divorce and separation, finances, children, domestic abuse, cohabitation, alternative parenting, mediation, as well as support with relationships and wellness. More

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      The rise in birdnesting after divorce

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      Amid the cost-of-living crisis divorcing parents are looking at new ways to co-parent and manage finances. A growing number of separated couples are choosing to take turns living in the family home to co-parent their children, in an arrangement known as ‘birdnesting’.
      What is birdnesting?
      While the children continue to live in the family home full time, the divorced parents split their time there on rotation, sharing childcare as well as the costs of running the home.
      Typically couples who are birdnesting alternate between the family home and a second lower-cost home, or even staying with friends or family. In some cases, the second home is also shared by the divorced couple.
      What’s behind the increase?
      Birdnesting’s appeal is largely due to its financial advantages. Firstly, birdnesting avoids the immediate need to sell the family home or buy out their ex-partner. This prevents conflict over who should get to keep the mortgage. In addition, separated couples can reduce their housing and living costs by continuing to share responsibility for them.
      As divorcing couples navigate high mortgage rates and the ongoing cost-of-living crisis at this crucial financial juncture in their lives, concerns about funding two homes from the same financial resources that previously funded one are common.
      That we’re seeing a rise in birdnesting during the current economic climate is no coincidence.
      Other key benefits of birdnesting include consistency and stability for children who continue to live full time in the familiar surroundings of the family home.
      In birdnesting, children also don’t have to regularly move between two homes, and they don’t have to move away from close friends and family, both typical in traditional post-separation living arrangements.
      By maintaining some of the existing structure in their lives, parents can potentially limit the impact of divorce on their children’s wellbeing.
      Those in favour of birdnesting say that it allows parents to absorb the biggest changes brought about by divorce, so the children don’t have to. But critics argue that it can be confusing for children and create a sense of limbo.
      Potential downsides
      Despite its clear benefits birdnesting isn’t always plain sailing.
      Challenges can include handling shared finances post-separation, and practical matters like the day-to-day running and upkeep of the home.
      Although aimed at providing consistency to support children through divorce and beyond, birdnesting can be confusing for some children.
      And while you and your ex have chosen to go your separate ways, birdnesting might prevent emotional closure or the freedom you need to move forward.
      Birdnesting FAQs
      Stowe Partner, Bristol-based Joanna Newton, has answered a range of FAQs about birdnesting, to help separating and divorcing parents.
      Why is birdnesting a good idea for some families? 
      Birdnesting works well for families with limited financial resources that will not cover maintaining two family homes that meet the needs of them and their children.
      However, it is a complicated process with lots of moving parts, so is better suited to couples where there is good communication, mutual respect, an equal balance of power, particularly around parenting decisions and clear boundaries.
      What are the benefits of birdnesting? 
      Birdnesting offers children stability in what can otherwise be an unsettling time for them. By keeping the children based solely at the family home, they maintain a consistent routine and structure, and do not have to be uprooted or frequently packing and travelling between two houses.
      Financially, maintaining the family home and finding a secondary, cheaper accommodation option, for example a small rental flat or staying with friends or family, reduces the pressure to cover the cost of running two homes suitable for the family.
      It also allows couples to keep the family home as an asset and build upon any equity in the property. Although, this does mean the couple remain financially tied for longer.
      Why are we seeing an increase in birdnesting as a way to share care of children? 
      As the cost of living crisis deepens, particularly spiralling interest rates and mortgage costs, taking the income used to cover one household and having to stretch to cover two households is becoming increasingly challenging for families.
      Birdnesting removes the need to source two properties suitable to meet both parents and the children’s needs – including staying close to work, nurseries and schools – helping reduce the financial implications of a separation.
      There is the option for couples to remain in the family home together just until they can generate more income or mortgage rates level out and living costs drop. However, this can be challenging and parents must consider the impact of tension and an unhappy home environment on the children.
      What are the legal considerations and implications? 
      Birdnesting does not require any legal involvement. However, there are implications to consider, including financial arrangements and finalising the care of the children.
      Even if both parties agree to birdnesting, they also need to agree on a schedule. When will the child or children will be in their care? Parents can draw up a parenting plan, or in some cases a formal child arrangements order approved by the court.
      There are also various financial implications to consider:

      How will the family home be paid for?
      Who will pay what?
      How will the additional homes and their running costs be covered?
      How long should the property be used for birdnesting?
      How will any equity be split when you eventually sell the house?

      To ensure success, it is important that you consider all matters and agreed from the beginning.
      Birdnesting can also mean that couples remain financially tied together, potentially for a long time, and prevent them from achieving a ‘clean break’.
      What does the family court think of birdnesting as an option? 
      There is limited information about how the family court views birdnesting.
      However, the main consideration of the court will be the children’s best interests and welfare, and whether birdnesting could potentially cause them to be exposed to a risk of harm.
      If you have two parents who are amicable, can work together, and co-parent for the benefit of their children, then the court will consider birdnesting a viable option.
      When does birdnesting not work?
      Birdnesting success relies on a healthy and amicable relationship between two parents.
      If it was an acrimonious split or the relationship involved domestic abuse, then birdnesting is not suitable. In these cases, birdnesting would be harmful and detrimental to the wellbeing of the children and the survivor of abuse.
      It may also cause confusion for the children, as they may question whether their parents have split or provide false hope that parents will get back together.
      Financially, it keeps a couple tied together far longer than they normally would be after divorce.
      Finally, birdnesting can appear straightforward, but the reality is it can be a relatively complicated arrangement that will require careful negotiation, and equal motivation to make it work in practical terms.
      What can help birdnesting work? 
      The success of birdnesting lies with the parents of the children working together and putting in clear and consistent boundaries on a wide range of issues, from parenting and finances, to running and maintaining the home.
      Drawing up a birdnesting agreement that sets out a parenting plan, how financial commitments will be shared, who will be responsible for what in the home, the additional shared accommodation, and what will happen to assets and equity once the house is sold, will all help.
      While not legally binding, it will create clear boundaries and a set of ground rules for both parents to stick to.
      As with any mutual agreement about children and finances after divorce, legal advice is always advisable.
      Useful links
      Can I afford to divorce my partner?
      Mortgages after divorce
      Property and divorce – what happens to the family home? More

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      What is parental responsibility?

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       Parental Responsibility is defined in UK law as:
      “All the rights, duties, powers, responsibilities and authority which by law a parent of a child has in relation to the child and his property.”
      It focuses on parents’ legal duty to children as well as the powers to make decisions relating to them.
      This could be day to day decisions such as which extra-curricular activities they are involved with or decisions as critical as what should happen in a medical emergency.
      Here, family solicitors, Cardiff based Abigail Jones and Exeter based Lauren Ashforth, explain more.
      Who has parental responsibility?
      Some individuals have automatic parental responsibly. Who else has parental responsibility will depend on the circumstances.
      Mothers have automatic parental responsibility for their children upon birth. This is the case even if they used donated eggs to conceive.
      Fathers who are married to the mother at the time the child is born also automatically have parental responsibility.
      Unmarried biological fathers do not automatically have parental responsibility. They will need to take steps to acquire parental responsibility. For example:

      Being named on the child’s birth certificate
      Being re-registered on the birth certificate
      Subsequently marrying the mother (this is not extinguished on divorce)
      Entering into a parental responsibility agreement with the birth mother
      Obtaining an order from the court for either a parental responsibility order or Child Arrangements Order that the child should live with them.

      Non-biological parents such as a step-parent, or grandparent do not automatically have parental responsibility. To acquire parental responsibility, they need to:

      Obtain consent of all of those who have it to grant parental responsibility to you
      Obtain a Child Arrangements Order from the family court
      Be legally appointed as a child’s guardian or special guardian.

      Additionally, a Local Authority can acquire parental responsibility for a child through a Care Order.
      Can parental responsibility be terminated?
      There must be very serious cause to terminate parental responsibility and it must be in the child’s best interests.
      A court may also consider an application to restricts an individual’s parental responsibility, for example restricting their access to medical or educational information.
      Can you make decisions alone?
      If more than one person has parental responsibility, then they must agree on decisions. All those with parental responsibility for the child are entitled to have their say in decisions such as:

      Where and how the child should be educated
      Consenting to medical procedures and treatment
      Agreeing to the child going on holiday or travelling abroad for extended trips
      Representing the child in legal proceedings
      Changing the child’s name
      What, if any, religion the child should be brought up with.

      For routine decisions like discipline or attendance at school or club events, then agreement from the other person(s) with parental responsibility is not needed.
      Decisions about routine things such as bedtimes, parenting approach, or establishing boundaries and rules, are best made together to help support children through divorce.
      Parenting through the school holidays
      With the school summer holidays approaching it is important to have any necessary discussions with all those who have parental responsibility to ensure you can co-parent through the summer.
      If you are planning on taking your children abroad or you’re hoping to spend more time with your children during the break, and you are concerned that the other parent will not provide their consent then a family lawyer can provide legal advice and details of the options available to you. More

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      7 tips for co-parenting through the summer

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      Are you and your ex struggling to agree a schedule for the summer holidays?
      The long school summer break is drawing closer and if you haven’t already, it’s likely you’ll soon begin forming a plan to co-parent through the summer.
      The school holidays can be stressful for any family as parents juggle childcare, work schedules, and holiday plans. However, when you are trying to agree plans with your co-parent, following divorce or separation, things can quickly become complex and emotions can run high.
      Here break-up and divorce coach Claire Macklin shares seven tips for co-parenting success during the holidays.
      1. Plan ahead with your co-parent
      Don’t avoid or delay raising the subject, especially if you know it might be tricky to arrange. Bite the bullet and put forward your proposal. If communication is difficult, write an email with a clear proposal of plans and dates – and keep it calm, to the point and polite.
      2. Know what you want your relationship to look like in 1 year/5 years
      Consider what you’d like your relationship with your ex-partner to look like in the future. Are you on friendly terms with your ex, or would you be more comfortable with a distanced, but civil, relationship?
      Your vision can be a powerful reference point now as you navigate plans for the holidays. It can help to guide your words and actions and help you move towards the having relationship you want with your co-parent. Keep it in mind as you negotiate your summer plans to help you focus on the long-term goals. If your partner would be receptive to your vision, consider sharing it with them so that you’re aligned.
      If this is the first time you’ve had to negotiate holiday times, remember there will be other holidays in the years ahead. What you do now will set the tone for the years to come. How do you want to feel when you look back in 5 years’ time and you recall what you did and said?
      3. Take a helicopter view
      If you’re caught in a fight over the holidays, or there is an issue that is causing a problem, try this exercise and see what comes up for you.  Read it through from start to finish before you start, and perhaps ask a friend or your coach to go through it with you, for maximum benefit.
      First bring the issue to mind and summarise it in just a couple of sentences.

      What is your perspective? How do you feel? What do you want to achieve? What is important to you?

      Stand up and shake your body. Move into a different chair, or a different spot in the room.

      Imagine you are your ex. Really imagine being them, with their values, experiences, and views. What is your perspective? How do you feel? What do you want to achieve? What is important to you?

      Stand up again and shake your body.  Move again into a different chair or spot in the room.

      Imagine now that you are your child. Really feel into being them. What do they want? How do they feel?

      Stand up again and shake your body.

      Now imagine you are watching from a helicopter hovering overhead. You can clearly see and hear everything that you, your ex and your children have just said about how they feel. What do you notice? What one piece of advice would you give?

      Once you have stepped out of the helicopter, take a moment to take in all this information. How has your perspective shifted? What new insights have you gained? How could you use your new insights and perspective as you discuss your plans with your ex?
      4. Focus on what you can do, not what you can’t
      Perhaps you recognise some of these thoughts:

      There’s no way I can have a calm, measured conversation about the holidays with my ex
      I’m worried about spending longer than a few nights away from the children
      I feel angry that I am missing time with them
      I have no idea what I’ll do with myself while they’re away, and I’m dreading it.

      While they’re all understandable reactions, notice that all those thoughts focus on the negative, on the problem. What if you could refocus on looking for solutions?
      How would it feel if you focused on what you CAN do and CAN have, rather than on what you can’t?
      Take back the power and choose to reframe your feelings and consider the value of time. When you change the way you think, and the questions you ask, you can transform how you feel.
      Ask yourself questions like:

      What can I do in that time that I couldn’t do before?
      What have I always wanted to do and never had the time?
      Who do I know who handles co-parenting well? What can I learn from them?
      Who can I arrange to meet up with to have some childfree time?
      What do I love to do and enjoy? When could I do more of that?

      Be open to opportunities. When you shift your focus onto what you can do instead of what you can’t, you can change how you feel about the time you have away from the children, and this will positively impact your discussions with your ex.
      5. Make the time you do have count!
      Whether you’re going away or not, make the time you do share with your children count.
      Sit down with your children, and plan some fun, exciting things to do together over the holidays. One of my clients sat down one Saturday afternoon with his children, and they created a holiday bucket list of places to go, things to do, people they’d like to see.
      Use the questions above with your children and see what ideas they come up with. They don’t need to be extravagant, or expensive. Just having two or three plans you’re all looking forward to during the summer will give you opportunities for quality time with your children.
      6. Create and record your new memories
      When you enjoy the plans you’ve made together with your children, take lots of videos and photos. Create a photo book of all the things you have enjoyed doing together so you can look back on them in the future.
      7. Your children will follow your lead
      Children are incredibly perceptive and will take their cue from you. If you are stressed and negative, it’s likely they will be too. Anger and resentment may make them feel conflicted and anxious.
      The good news is that if you make the most of the situation, focus on the positives, and are open to trying new things, they will be too.
      When you demonstrate to your children that you can work out a schedule with their other parent while also planning some fun moments with them, you are setting a fantastic example that they will remember for years to come.
      Find out more
      Claire Macklin is a UK-based Divorce & Break-up Coach helping people to separate with dignity and strength and redefine life after divorce.
      For more advice about co-parenting through the summer and beyond, or to contact Claire. visit https://www.clairemacklincoaching.com/
      Get in touch
      For legal advice to assist with formalising plans between co-parents, child arrangements and other family law matters, contact our Client Care Team to speak to one of our specialist family lawyers.
      Useful links
      Child Arrangements Orders – what you need to know
      Travelling abroad with children after divorce FAQs More

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      Introducing Stowe talks podcast series 2

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      Our Stowe talks podcast series gives you access to expert advice from some of the best divorce professionals in the UK.
      In series two, family lawyers Matthew Taylor and Liza Gatrell are joined by special guests to explore issues including economic abuse, pensions and divorce, handling fear and uncertainty, overcoming loneliness and post-separation abuse. 
      With guests, Rosie Lyon, Ceri Griffiths, Tosh Brittan, Claire Macklin (nee Black) and Caron Kipping. 
      Take a listen
      Dealing with post-separation abuse 
      Divorce coach and domestic abuse specialist, Caron Kipping explains what post-separation abuse is, its impact, how to build the right support team, the power of reframing, and how to focus on what you can control to help build a positive future.
      Listen on Spotify
      Surviving economic abuse 
      Domestic abuse survivor, Rosie Lyon, explains what economic abuse is, the red flags, the support available, particularly in the banking system, and how people can safeguard themselves in the future. 
      Listen on Spotify
      Understanding pensions on divorce 
      Divorce financial planner Ceri Griffiths explains the different types of pensions, how to value one, the role of an actuary report, issues around offsetting, and pension sharing options.
      Listen on Spotify
      Overcoming loneliness
      Divorce Coach Tosh Brittan describes how loneliness can easily sneak up, how embracing it can help, and practical advice on dealing with it.
      Listen on Spotify
      Handling fear and uncertainty 
      Listen as Divorce Coach Claire Macklin (nee Black) shares tools to help you cope with the fear and uncertainty divorce brings, and take back some control. 
      Listen on Spotify
      Find out more
      Sign-up to our mailing list and we’ll keep you up-to-date with the latest Stowe talks, including our podcasts, videos and live webinars. 
      Find our show on Spotify  
      Watch our vodcast on YouTube  More

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      Making arrangements for children this Christmas

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      With less than two months until Christmas, now’s the time to agree how your children will spend time with their other parent during the holidays.
      Christmas can be a time of tension for separated parents as they plan the festivities and plan where and how they’ll each see the children. 
      So, we asked our Regional Director for Yorkshire, Rachel Roberts, to share her advice for parents on taking the strain out of making child arrangements for Christmas. 
      Child arrangements and Christmas
      As we approach December, we see a flurry of clients getting in touch for help to try and resolve arrangements for the festive season. 
      Before I turn to my tips on how best to manage arrangements, there are a couple of key points from the Government and family law sector that are certainly at the forefront of my mind when advising clients.
      Last year, a leading family judge made it clear that parties should only be bringing disputes over children to court where absolutely necessary. The judge went on to criticise parents for asking the court to micro-manage children arrangements. The view from the court is clear – where possible you should be sorting these things out yourself.
      The Government have said that further lockdowns are unlikely and have been clear that restrictions do not prevent children from moving between separated parents, provided they are not self-isolating. 
      It seems unlikely that this will change, and CAFCASS (the government body that advises the court on children disputes) has stressed the need for children to maintain their usual routine.
      All that said, it is naive to think that difficulties will not arise, and the following guidance may help avoid unhappiness at Christmas.
      Tips for making child arrangements during Christmas 
      Preparation is key
      If you do not have plans in place, now is the time to start. Talk to your ex-partner and agree on arrangements that work for you all.
      Some clients I have worked with agreed that the children would spend Christmas Eve at one home and then return to the other for lunch on Christmas Day.
      Other clients decided that they would spend the whole festive period with one parent and the next year spend it with the other, alternating between the two.
      It is a personal choice based on what works for your family, but also the age of the children, location and how amicable you are.
      Be prepared to be flexible as plans may need to change. 
      Focus on the children 
      First and foremost, put the children at the heart of the plans you make. A different type of Christmas can still be a good Christmas. Talk about the positive: two Christmas Days, two sets of presents etc.
      Make sure you share your plans with the children. Depending on the age of the children, ask them what they would like? Older children need to feel they have a voice. 
      Once in place, sharing plans with the children means they know where they will be throughout the holiday, and the routine will make them feel safe and secure.
      Creating a visual plan can help as dates can be difficult for a child to understand. One client created a Christmas themed wall planner for their younger children. A tech-savvy teenager may prefer a joint Google calendar.
      Be fair to the other parent
      If this is your first year as a separated parent, this will all feel very raw and difficult. It is likely that you will both be dreading not spending Christmas entirely with your children. 
      Even though it can be difficult, try to think about the impact of any plans on your former partner. Ask yourself if you would be happy with the proposed arrangements next year? If the answer is no, then maybe they should be reconsidered. 
      Stick to the plan
      This year may require a certain level of flexibility, but where possible, it is important that, whatever arrangements you come to, you both stick to the plan. 
      Last-minute changes can cause feelings of disruption and uncertainty for children. And, whilst flexibility is an essential part of positive child arrangements, it is important to maintain consistency and provide stability.
      Get advice early, if needed
      Christmas is chaotic and organising a co-parenting schedule on top of everything else is never going to be easy, especially if communication between you and your ex-partner is difficult. 
      If you are struggling this year, take advice from a family lawyer who can try to assist in negotiating an agreement. 
      If you cannot reach an agreement, mediation can help as the presence of a 3rd party often eases tensions and result in finding common ground. 
      Mediation is still taking place via video conferencing, and many of our clients have reported that it is easier than being in the same room as their former partner.
      Court proceedings are possible but should be used as a last resort, and, due to the current strain on courts from the pandemic, it is highly unlikely that you have any prospect of a contested hearing before Christmas. 
      Hopefully, these tips, combined with some careful planning, compromise and putting the children first,  will help you and your ex-partner move forward towards a harmonious Christmas.
      Get in touch 
      If you would like any advice on child arrangements during Christmas, or other family law issues, please do contact our Client Care Team to speak to one of our specialist divorce lawyers here. 
      This article was previously published and has since been updated.  More