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    How do separated parents split Christmas?

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    Christmas arrangements for separated parents can be complex as you navigate how to split Christmas so you can both see your children. The usual plans of Christmases past may no longer be an option, and there’s no blueprint for what the holidays should look like now, or how you make them fair.
    There’s a lot to consider. How will the children spend time with each parent? Do divorced parents spend Christmas together? And if not, how do coparents split Christmas?
    Before you make a decision
    The guiding principle of family law is that children’s well being comes first. Neither parent has more right to see their child at Christmas. The benefit of this is that you and your coparent are free to create a plan that’s centred on your children and their needs.
    How do separated parents split Christmas?
    Unless you continue to spend Christmas together, there will need to be some compromise about how you divide your time with your kids. Here are some common options.
    What are my options for splitting Christmas with my ex?
    So, how do you split Christmas when divorced? You and your ex can create a plan that best suits your exact situation, but it’s useful to have a starting point for discussions. Here are some examples:
    Option 1: Split Christmas in half
    Children get to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with one parent, before swapping over to spend the rest of Christmas Day and Boxing Day with the other.
    Depending on when Christmas day lands you might try to align this with your children’s usual routine with each parent. Or you could agree to make an exception and then revert back to your usual routine after the festivities.
    Option 2: Take a week each
    Children get to spend the first week of the school holidays with one parent to celebrate Christmas, and the second week with the other parents over New Year.
    If school holidays stretch over 3 weeks, you could divide the key days and split the rest of the time equally between you.
    Option 3: Have two Christmases
    Children get to celebrate Christmas twice; once on Christmas Day with one parent, and once on a designated day before or after the 25th December with the other.
    While appealing as a solution, it doesn’t altogether remove the question of who gets to spend the real Christmas Day with the children.
    Each of these options can be alternated yearly, on rotation.
    It’s a useful test to ask yourself if you’d be happy with the plans you’re proposing.
    Spending Christmas day with your ex
    Spending Christmas Day together with your children and your ex, is a great option if you’re on good terms and means you don’t have to divide the day up.
    For separated couples who remain friends, Christmas can be a good opportunity to show that you’re still united as parents.
    Before you make the decision, ask yourself if it will create a healthy dynamic on the day for your children and consider whether it risks confusing matters.
    If you and your ex live far apart
    If you and your ex live far apart, splitting Christmas in half would mean your children spending a proportion of their Christmas Day travelling. Be sure your plan is genuinely prioritising them.
    Avoiding Christmas alone
    Celebrating Christmas alone isn’t for everyone, so try to ensure that your plan allows enough time for you or your ex to travel to stay with family or friends whilst not with your children.
    How about new partners?
    Handling Christmas with a blended family comes with additional challenges. There may be differing opinions about whether the children should spend Christmas with a parent and their new partner.
    It’s understandable that this situation can stir strong emotions; after all the new partner may get to spend Christmas Day with your children, when you don’t.
    However hard it is, prioritising the children’s needs is crucial. It’s wise to approach things as you’d want them to be approached.
    Introducing a new partner to children at Christmas isn’t ideal, so collaborating on how and when to introduce any new partners to the children is also essential.
    Seeing the wider family
    Christmas is often a time for seeing loved ones, such as Grandparents. Try to arrange time for your children to see your wider family during the time they spend with you.
    Should separated parents buy joint gifts for their children?
    Splitting costs and continuing to buy your children presents ‘from Mum and Dad’ can send a message that they remain central in your lives even though you’re no longer together.
    Joint present giving is an especially good idea if you will be spending Christmas day altogether. It also helps to avoid competitive gift giving or one parent trying to win favour with lavish presents.
    Agree an overall budget that’s manageable for you both, and the gifts you plan to buy each child. You can also divide the task of buying gifts so that things are equal.
    There is the risk that one parent also buys a separate gift ‘just from them’ so be clear about whether this is part of your agreement or not.
    Put the plan in writing
    Once you and your coparent have reached an agreement, it is a good idea to write it down and send to the other parents via message or email. That way if there are any issues, and misunderstandings, they can be resolved before Christmas.
    Stick to the plan
    It’s vital that you stick to the Christmas arrangements made so that everyone knows what to expect, including the children. This will encourage ongoing cooperation for future Christmases and special occasions.
    Strained relations
    You and your ex have been through a lot. It’s understandable that discussions might be difficult, especially if you’re not on good terms or your partner isn’t concerned with keeping things fair.
    Remember, you can’t control how your former-partner reacts, you can only control your own words and actions.
    During negotiations, communicate with your coparent in person where possible, or speak on a video call or over the phone, where discussions are less likely to be misinterpreted.
    What if we can’t reach an agreement about Christmas?
    If you reach a stalemate making plans for Christmas with your ex, you can take advice from a family lawyer or family mediator who can help you try to find some common ground.
    As a last resort when cooperation is just not possible, you can seek a decision from the family court via a court order called a specific issues order with the help of a specialist family lawyer.
    Splitting Christmas after divorce
    Dealing with Christmas after separation is difficult. Successfully setting aside your differences and reaching an agreement with your ex on how best to guide your family through the celebrations is something you should be proud of.
    Equally, things might not be perfect. And that’s okay too. With ongoing collaboration between you and your ex-partner, you can learn and adjust.
    Get in touch
    If you and your ex-partner can’t agree on how to split time with your children over Christmas, you can contact out family law team to discuss your options.
    Useful links
    Making arrangements for children this Christmas
    Surviving your first Christmas after separation
    Surviving Christmas after separation
    Stowe talks – dealing with conflict about Christmas More

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      in Children

      My ex and I can’t agree on our child’s school

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      What happens when separated parents can’t agree on schools?
      Now the autumn term is underway, the admissions window for school placements next September is now open. It’s a big decision for all parents and their children, but for separated parents it can become even more complicated – especially if they do not agree. For some, it can cause considerable tension between ex-partners, particularly as there is a finite deadline.
      Does my ex have the right to choose our child’s school even if I have primary care responsibilities?
      Choosing a school or changing a school can be approached as a standalone issue, regardless of who has primary care responsibilities.
      If your ex has parental responsibility, they have a duty and obligation as well as the right to decide how your child(ren) is educated. Unless there are exceptional circumstances, it is likely that your ex still has parental responsibility and therefore has a voice in the decision of your child’s school.
      Even if both parents have the child’s best interests at heart, this can still mean that they struggle to agree on the right school. A huge number of factors are involved in this decision and ultimately the well-being and education of the child(ren) should be central to the decision.
      Choosing the right school
      When going through a divorce or separation, children can often be caught in the middle of parental disputes.
      Supporting children through divorce can be difficult for parents as they may be experiencing turbulent emotions, however, divorce can have long-lasting impacts on a child’s emotional and mental health, no matter their age.
      Schools are a safe space for children to cope with the difficulties going on at home. They provide routine, structure and community so choosing the right one is very important.
      When considering changing school, and approaching an application, the practicalities of this change should be considered. For example, how the child(ren) will get to and from school, the academic credentials of the institution, and pastoral factors. The emotional and well-being aspect for the child must be central.
      If you can’t agree on your child’s school
      If you and your ex find that you can’t agree on a school, there are some steps you can take before involving the court.
      Having an open and honest conversation with your ex-partner, or anyone who shares parental responsibility is very important. You may find that there is some common ground.
      If you are having difficulties broaching the conversation with your ex, seeking out some professional support, for example from a mediator or even a divorce coach can help.
      Should these methods not work, and you find yourselves still disagreeing, then the matter can be referred to the court through a Specific Issue Order application. The court will consider the position of each parent and order where the child should go to school.
      You can also apply for a Specific Issue Order if you are not the child’s biological parent, but you have parental responsibility. For example, this can apply if you are the child’s legal guardian, or who the child lives with under the Child Arrangements Order.
      The court will be guided specifically by the welfare checklist which is laid out in s1(3) of the Children Act 1989.
      They will ensure the welfare of the child is the primary concern in decision making. This includes the wishes and feelings of the child, depending on their age and understanding, as well as their physical, emotional, and educational needs.
      The court will also consider what the impact of a change of school is likely to have on the child.
      Help with reaching a decision about schools
      For separating and divorcing parents, where their child/children should live and go to school is of the utmost importance. Should you find yourself at a deadlock with your ex-spouse over schooling, there are steps that can be taken, and professional support can be sought out.
      With applications for schools and changing schools now open, these next few weeks could be key decision-making time. There is guidance available to help ensure that your child’s welfare remains paramount, and their educational needs are met, particularly during a time of change in the home.
      Useful Links:
      Webinar: Will divorce damage my children?
      Making child arrangements
      Webinar: Supporting children through divorce
      Child arrangements order
      Effects of divorce on children More

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      in Children

      7 tips for co-parenting through the summer

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      Are you and your ex struggling to agree a schedule for the summer holidays?
      The long school summer break is drawing closer and if you haven’t already, it’s likely you’ll soon begin forming a plan to co-parent through the summer.
      The school holidays can be stressful for any family as parents juggle childcare, work schedules, and holiday plans. However, when you are trying to agree plans with your co-parent, following divorce or separation, things can quickly become complex and emotions can run high.
      Here break-up and divorce coach Claire Macklin shares seven tips for co-parenting success during the holidays.
      1. Plan ahead with your co-parent
      Don’t avoid or delay raising the subject, especially if you know it might be tricky to arrange. Bite the bullet and put forward your proposal. If communication is difficult, write an email with a clear proposal of plans and dates – and keep it calm, to the point and polite.
      2. Know what you want your relationship to look like in 1 year/5 years
      Consider what you’d like your relationship with your ex-partner to look like in the future. Are you on friendly terms with your ex, or would you be more comfortable with a distanced, but civil, relationship?
      Your vision can be a powerful reference point now as you navigate plans for the holidays. It can help to guide your words and actions and help you move towards the having relationship you want with your co-parent. Keep it in mind as you negotiate your summer plans to help you focus on the long-term goals. If your partner would be receptive to your vision, consider sharing it with them so that you’re aligned.
      If this is the first time you’ve had to negotiate holiday times, remember there will be other holidays in the years ahead. What you do now will set the tone for the years to come. How do you want to feel when you look back in 5 years’ time and you recall what you did and said?
      3. Take a helicopter view
      If you’re caught in a fight over the holidays, or there is an issue that is causing a problem, try this exercise and see what comes up for you.  Read it through from start to finish before you start, and perhaps ask a friend or your coach to go through it with you, for maximum benefit.
      First bring the issue to mind and summarise it in just a couple of sentences.

      What is your perspective? How do you feel? What do you want to achieve? What is important to you?

      Stand up and shake your body. Move into a different chair, or a different spot in the room.

      Imagine you are your ex. Really imagine being them, with their values, experiences, and views. What is your perspective? How do you feel? What do you want to achieve? What is important to you?

      Stand up again and shake your body.  Move again into a different chair or spot in the room.

      Imagine now that you are your child. Really feel into being them. What do they want? How do they feel?

      Stand up again and shake your body.

      Now imagine you are watching from a helicopter hovering overhead. You can clearly see and hear everything that you, your ex and your children have just said about how they feel. What do you notice? What one piece of advice would you give?

      Once you have stepped out of the helicopter, take a moment to take in all this information. How has your perspective shifted? What new insights have you gained? How could you use your new insights and perspective as you discuss your plans with your ex?
      4. Focus on what you can do, not what you can’t
      Perhaps you recognise some of these thoughts:

      There’s no way I can have a calm, measured conversation about the holidays with my ex
      I’m worried about spending longer than a few nights away from the children
      I feel angry that I am missing time with them
      I have no idea what I’ll do with myself while they’re away, and I’m dreading it.

      While they’re all understandable reactions, notice that all those thoughts focus on the negative, on the problem. What if you could refocus on looking for solutions?
      How would it feel if you focused on what you CAN do and CAN have, rather than on what you can’t?
      Take back the power and choose to reframe your feelings and consider the value of time. When you change the way you think, and the questions you ask, you can transform how you feel.
      Ask yourself questions like:

      What can I do in that time that I couldn’t do before?
      What have I always wanted to do and never had the time?
      Who do I know who handles co-parenting well? What can I learn from them?
      Who can I arrange to meet up with to have some childfree time?
      What do I love to do and enjoy? When could I do more of that?

      Be open to opportunities. When you shift your focus onto what you can do instead of what you can’t, you can change how you feel about the time you have away from the children, and this will positively impact your discussions with your ex.
      5. Make the time you do have count!
      Whether you’re going away or not, make the time you do share with your children count.
      Sit down with your children, and plan some fun, exciting things to do together over the holidays. One of my clients sat down one Saturday afternoon with his children, and they created a holiday bucket list of places to go, things to do, people they’d like to see.
      Use the questions above with your children and see what ideas they come up with. They don’t need to be extravagant, or expensive. Just having two or three plans you’re all looking forward to during the summer will give you opportunities for quality time with your children.
      6. Create and record your new memories
      When you enjoy the plans you’ve made together with your children, take lots of videos and photos. Create a photo book of all the things you have enjoyed doing together so you can look back on them in the future.
      7. Your children will follow your lead
      Children are incredibly perceptive and will take their cue from you. If you are stressed and negative, it’s likely they will be too. Anger and resentment may make them feel conflicted and anxious.
      The good news is that if you make the most of the situation, focus on the positives, and are open to trying new things, they will be too.
      When you demonstrate to your children that you can work out a schedule with their other parent while also planning some fun moments with them, you are setting a fantastic example that they will remember for years to come.
      Find out more
      Claire Macklin is a UK-based Divorce & Break-up Coach helping people to separate with dignity and strength and redefine life after divorce.
      For more advice about co-parenting through the summer and beyond, or to contact Claire. visit https://www.clairemacklincoaching.com/
      Get in touch
      For legal advice to assist with formalising plans between co-parents, child arrangements and other family law matters, contact our Client Care Team to speak to one of our specialist family lawyers.
      Useful links
      Child Arrangements Orders – what you need to know
      Travelling abroad with children after divorce FAQs More