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    Platonic Co-Parenting – Can I really have a baby with my friend?

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    In recent months, the idea of platonic co-parenting has gained traction. A recent article in The Guardian on the topic was written by a woman who, after much back and forth, decided to have a baby with her gay best friend. The friends were both happily single, but wanted a child and were concerned about the social and financial implications of raising a child as a single parent.
    Platonic co-parenting can take a variety of different forms and can be entered into for a whole host of different reasons. It can be between an opposite sex ‘couple’, same sex, or even as three parents where the couple are unable to have children so bring in a friend who not only can be a donor but can be present as another parental figure.
    In essence, platonic co-parenting is when a child is raised by two or more people who are not, and have not in the past been, in a romantic relationship (although there may be a romantically involved same-sex couple as part of a three+ parental group). The child might be conceived by treatments like IVF, intracervical insemination (ICI) or intrauterine insemination (IUI). The prospective parents may choose to go down the surrogacy route or adopt a child.
    What does platonic co-parenting look like?
    Platonic co-parenting looks different for every set of parents. The reasons behind platonic co-parenting are as varied as how it can look in practise, but some reasons might be:

    Two happily single individuals each want to have a baby,
    Financial constraints mean an individual cannot afford to be a single parent,
    A same-sex couple want to have a child with a donor and the donor wants a relationship with the child.

    With any number of reasons for wanting to platonically co-parent, how it can look practically is unique to the situation. However, by definition, platonic co-parenting means that each parent is involved in the upbringing of the child, whether they are biologically connected or not.
    Each set of parents will need to come to an agreement about how conception will work, and what the practicalities will be once the baby is born. For example, for the woman and her gay best friend mentioned above, they came to an agreement that they would try ICI first to get pregnant, and then IVF. They discussed finances and decided on a 50/50 split, potential baby names, the baby’s surname and where the child, and the parents, would live (for the first year the father would move in with the mother and baby).
    In some cases, there are more than two parents. The law only recognises two legal parents; however, platonic co-parenting opens up opportunities for more communal parenting responsibility.
    In some cases, a same-sex couple may ask a close friend to be a donor, or a surrogate mother, and this friend becomes part of the family. In other examples, a gay couple and a lesbian couple might ‘join forces’ to have a four-parent family.
    There are also matchmaking apps now that allow prospective parents to meet each other or meet sperm donors.
    Is it legal/How can I make it legal?
    Platonic co-parenting is entirely legal.
    Complications can arise with the difficulties in law around parental responsibility and each platonic co-parenting relationship will be unique. However, if a parent wants to have legal guardianship of a child, this must be registered.
    For example, if a heterosexual ‘couple’ have a child together, the father can be officially recognised as the child’s legal parent by being named on the birth certificate.
    The law only allows for two legal parents, so where a group of co-parents want to raise a child, only two can be recognised as such. The woman who carries the child will automatically be recognised as the child’s legal parent. However, the law allows for more than two people to have parental responsibility, for example as step-parents, or grandparents.
    For families where there are more than two parents, it is important to consider what other arrangements and agreements you may need to put in place to grant parental responsibility over the child. This can be done through a ‘parental responsibility agreement’.
    More legal information around platonic co-parenting can be found here.
    What are the benefits of platonic co-parenting?
    There are a variety of benefits of platonic co-parenting, and these do depend on your unique situation. However, here are a few:

    It allows happily single individuals to become parents without the pressure of solo parenting,
    Sperm donors can have a more active role in the child’s life,
    Potentially more people with parental responsibility – this can mean more support and love for the child,
    It is another way for the LGBTQIA+ community to become parents without requiring romantic relationships with the opposite sex.

    Are there any downsides?
    As with parenting generally, there can be conflict in co-parenting relationships, which is why it is important to discuss legal, social, environmental, and physical factors before embarking on the journey. These can be made into a Co-Parenting Agreement, more widely known as a Parenting Plan, which, whilst not legally binding, help define the expectations of each parent and what agreements have been made.
    Communication is key in all parenting and the more open and transparent you are with your other co-parents, the better. It is important to get all your thoughts out on the table and discuss what compromises may need to be reached.
    The law can be complicated in areas such as surrogacy, and fertility treatments, so you might need to seek legal advice around these matters, and around seeking parental responsibility.
    If disagreements do arise, mediation can often help resolve difficulties and help co-parents reach amicable solutions.
    Useful Links
    What is platonic co-parenting?
    Surrogacy and parental orders
    Travelling abroad with different surnames
    What is parental responsibility?

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      in Family Law

      Changes to IVF Legislation

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      Changes to Fertility Laws
      The government recently announced an upcoming change to fertility legislation which will lessen the discrimination that same-sex female couples experience in trying to conceive via reciprocal IVF.
      At the moment, female same-sex couples who are looking to have a child via the route of reciprocal IVF – meaning one woman provides her egg and the other carries the child – are required to undergo a screening for infectious diseases, including hepatitis B, hepatitis C and rubella. This can cost up to £1000.
      However, heterosexual couples going through the same process do not need to have this screening.
      The government have now announced that this will be changed, removing the additional barrier and significant extra cost only applied to female same-sex couples.
      Furthermore, changes will be brought in for same-sex couples where one or both partners have HIV, but the viral load is undetectable. In these situations, the couple will now be able to access IVF treatment, including known sperm or egg cell donation to friends or relatives.
      Stowe Partner Gemma Davison investigates these changes in more detail.
      The options for IVF treatment have been expanded with advancements in science and technology, allowing more couples to start a family through this method. However, there are still obstacles for many in accessing this treatment, particularly for same-sex couples who have additional hurdles and cost specific to themselves to overcome. This has meant ongoing inequality between heterosexual couples and same-sex couples who want to become parents.
      The government’s announcement that the cost associated with extra tests that female same-sex couples must undergo if they wish to pursue reciprocal IVF is very welcome, and long overdue.
      The changes to laws around HIV load in same-sex couples is also welcome, and will mean that, for those individuals and couples where the viral load is undetectable, access to IVF treatment will be opened.
      These changes, when they are enacted, will work to reduce the inequality that exists between same-sex couples and heterosexual couples when it comes to accessing fertility treatment. However, they will not completely remove the barriers that exist, particularly around costs, although the government has committed to removing all the financial barriers associated with IVF/fertility treatment.
      For example, at the moment, the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) guidelines suggest that women under 40 should be offered three cycles of IVF funded by the NHS if:

      They have been trying to get pregnant through regular unprotected sex for two years
      Or they have not got pregnant after 12 cycles of artificial insemination

      However, if tests show that there is no chance of naturally conceiving a baby and that IVF is the only treatment likely to result in conception, the woman should be referred immediately for IVF.
      Currently, this is guidance only and not universally adopted by integrated care boards for their local area. Essentially, then, it is a postcode lottery for treatment and again, in many cases, female same-sex couples suffer inequality and huge costs if they want to conceive through IVF.
      In the Women’s Health Strategy (August 2022), the government committed to removing all financial barriers, including the requirement for female same-sex couples to pay for 6 artificial insemination cycles privately before they are eligible for NHS funded IVF. Heterosexual couples are do not have to self-fund any treatments before being eligible for NHS IVF treatment.
      Unfortunately, we are still awaiting this change. And, until the change in fertility legislation that has been announced by the government becomes law, there are still financial and practical barriers that mean same-sex couples face inequality in their journey to parenthood.
      Hopefully, we will see more change and action soon.
      Useful Links
      Fertility Network UK
      Our Child Law Solicitors
      Surrogacy in the UK: Watch on Youtube
      Surrogacy in 2 minutes: Watch on Youtube
      Embryo Storage after Divorce More

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      in Parenting

      Parenting Teen Boys- 10 Things You Should Know

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      The teen years can be a bit challenging for any parent. There is always a push and pull as your child is starting to assert their independence, sometimes through inappropriate, dangerous ways. While teenage boys still very much need your attention, parenting advice and rules, they probably won’t act like they want it. Parenting teen boys has its own special set of challenges.

      As teenagers, boys often start to close up and stop talking to you the way they used to. They are testing things out to see how they work and the response they get. Teens can sometimes be in a rush to try and do new things. They’re starting to find their way in the world and naturally, they will often mimic behaviors they have seen. Some of this exploration is great and some of it may not be so great. The lessons they are learning will help shape them into the good men they will one day be, even if they don’t quite know what that means yet.

      Parents are often left trying to figure out what they need to do to reach their teen sons. Teen Boys need to given an outlet to explore and grow in healthy ways. They should also be encouraged to get plenty of healthy exercise as a way to release stress and handle the extra testosterone that their teen bodies are not entirely used to yet. It is important for teenage boys to have clear boundaries. They also need to know they can come to you to talk about important issues or questions without being shamed.

      These tips for parenting teen boys will help you stay close to them even as they start to become independent.

      10 Tips For Raising A Teenage Son

      Provide Action Oriented Feedback

      According to Dr. Robin Alter, when parenting boys, “we must be more action oriented and less verbal.” He argues that boys tend to respect action more than just words. As parents, we can keep this in mind by demonstrating our own positive examples of the behavior we wish to see.

      We can also use a more action oriented approach­ in asking for the behaviors we want that will demonstrate the quality we wish to see. For example, “Show me by your actions that you are sorry,” instead of a critical, “You are so irresponsible” without instructions for action to achieve being responsible.

      In general, while parenting teen boys, remember you are trying to build them up. You want to show teens the ideals they should aspire to achieve. Don’t shout at, nag, or shame teenage boys. Instead, set clear expectations and offer encouragement. Have rules and do enforce the rules with reasonable consequences. Help them realize they can do better and they can show you that with how they handle the same situation next time.

      Remove Entitlement

      We often give our kids things because we think it’ll make them happy and make them love us more. In reality, it just creates a sense of entitlement and sometimes it even results in low self-esteem because they aren’t working to achieve things themselves. Instead, set boundaries for teens and make them work for what they want. Encourage them to get a part-time job to help pay for the car they want. They should do chores to help out around the house and be part of your family “team.” Working to earn money or even privileges teaches teenagers to have respect and responsibility for what they have.

      Teach Empathy

      Empathy is one of the core values that seems to be in short supply in our world these days. Teach teen boys that they don’t need to experience someone else’s pain in order to relate and understand. Discuss current events and local news stories. Ask them how these stories make them feel. Model good behavior and explain your feelings towards these same situations. Notice when they do nice things like pick up trash they didn’t drop or hold the door open. Commend them when they do things right so they know that their actions are noticed and appreciated. Tell them when they do a good job.

      Don’t Look for Instant Compliance

      Your teenage son is starting to have a life of his own and do things that are just as important to him as your activities are to you. It’s okay to ask him to do something for you, but don’t get upset when he doesn’t drop what he’s doing to comply instantly. Respect the fact that he needs a minute or two to finish what he’s doing. You can say something like, “when you finish texting your friend, please take the trash out.” Showing respect for them will help them to show more respect for you and others.

      Be Flexible

      It may be hard to accept, but your way may not always be the best way, and it is certainly not the only way. Shocking, I know! Sometimes, you have to let your child learn things for themselves. They may end up choosing your way as the best way in the end. However, let them try and fail and figure things out for themselves on small things. Learning that it is ok to fail and to always try again is an important life lesson. Be open to looking at things from a different viewpoint, hearing what your teenage son has to say, and trying to see their point of view. They might even have a better way, on occasion!

      Coping With Emotions And Aggressive Behavior

      All teenagers can be subject to mood swings as they are experiencing new feelings and subject to new hormonal levels. Boys in particular are experiencing higher levels of the testosterone hormone. While this is great for their physical changes it can cause behavioral differences.

      Studies show that “During human puberty, there is an approximate 30-fold increase in testosterone production in boys. This increase is often linked to changes in mood and behavior in adolescence such as aggression, an increase in risk taking, and depression.” It is important to know this is going on and is normal. However, that does not mean that negative behaviors (especially aggressive behaviors) should be overlooked. In fact, it means that we should take extra care to help boys express their emotions find healthy ways of coping with these emotions.

      Stanford research shows that “The rational part of a teen’s brain isn’t fully developed and won’t be until age 25 or so.” Teens tend to process information in the amygdala with more emotional playing into their decisions. Parents ,as authority figures, are the most important role models in a child’s life. They can help by encouraging them and showing them how to think things through in a rational way. Stanford suggests, “Remind your teens that they’re resilient and competent. Because they’re so focused in the moment, adolescents have trouble seeing they can play a part in changing bad situations. It can help to remind them of times in the past they thought would be devastating, but turned out for the best.”

      Talk About The Pitfalls Before They Happen

      We all know that the teenage years have typical pitfalls such as peer pressure, drugs, alcohol, or running with the wrong crowds. It is important to talk about these things before they come up. They should know your expectations and have clear rules. They should understand the possible consequences of risky behaviors and poor decisions. There should be a clear understanding that you will take away privileges if they break rules.

      Talk To Them About Girls

      Adolescence is a time of change and undoubtedly, they will begin to pay more attention to girls than ever before. They need to understand how to treat teenage girls like ladies. They should understand the basics of behaving like a gentleman. Parents also need to have a dating and sex talk with their boys. Do not assume your teenage boys know everything until you tell them. Help them learn what healthy relationships look like. Talk about your expectations, discuss dangers of getting swept away, set limits, and answer their questions.

      Help Them Plan, But Don’t Do It For Them

      When parenting teen boys, it can seem like you need to run the show to make sure the right things happen. If your son seems lazy to you, remember that they are going through a lot of change. They need to be empowered to believe in themselves. Clinical psychologist Adam Price is the author of a helpful book that provides great strategies to reduce your involvement while encouraging theirs.

      Yes, this is a big time for teenage boys. The high school years are important years and they will begin to think about colleges and career paths. Help them with this process BUT respect that they need to be in charge. This is your son’s life and they need to be able to be an active participant, not just sitting in the passenger seat. As they become young adults, you need to be handing over the reins and watching to make sure they know how to use them!

      Just Listen and Notice Changes In Behavior

      Your son probably already knows many of your opinions on the world. Teens already know that you want them to pick up their dirty socks, and what’s expected of them in school. What they really need from you is someone that will just listen. Make time for them, whether it’s early in the morning as you’re having breakfast together, or late at night when the rest of the house is asleep. Take time to ask about them. Ask teen boys what they think about things, what they want for themselves, what might be upsetting them or making them happy. Create a safe space for them to feel heard and understood.

      And while you are listening you are making them feel heard and important. You are showing them you care. You are teaching them how to be good listeners. Furthermore, you are also creating a good baseline on their feeling and way of communicating. If there are sudden changes in behavior, you are more likely to notice them. You can ask about how things are going and make sure they know they can talk to you about anything.

      Parenting Tips For Teenage Boys Conclusion

      My best advice is to make sure you are spending quality time with your teen boys. This sets the stage for close relationships with open discussion. These are your last years with your son in your house. Cherish them. Take the opportunity to impart important life lessons as they come up. This is a good time for parents of teens to stay involved in their son’s everyday life. Yes, they are forming their own identity but they still need your guidance and support during this often stressful time.

      Parenting teen boys can be a challenge. However if you keep the lines of communication open and you show them the same respect you want them to show you, it will become easier on both of you. They need to be encouraged not discouraged. It will make for a better relationship and the entire family will stay stronger and more resilient.

      Related Posts:

      Teen Driver Safety And Ways to Prevent Teenage Driving Accidents

      5 Ways For Teens To Earn Money

      10 Signs Your Son Is Growing Up Too Fast! More

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      in Children

      5 Tips for Parallel Parenting

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      Parallel parenting is a method used by divorced or separated parents who wish to continue to parent their children in parallel, whilst agreeing to limit contact and interaction with each other. This technique is particularly helpful in divorces that involve domestic abuse, high-conflict, or where communication is extremely difficult.
      Luisa Williams from My Family Psychologist explains more.
      5 Tips for Parallel Parenting

      Rebuilding your life when a relationship ends and healing from any emotional trauma you’ve experienced is difficult enough. Even when you’re ex was abusive, sometimes it’s impossible to cut ties for the sake of your child.  
      What is parallel parenting?
      Whilst co-parenting works by cooperation and continued communication, for some it gives your ex-partner the opportunity to continue to mistreat you. Instead, parallel parenting increases safety in challenging relationships by deliberately keeping communication to a bare minimum. 
      While major decisions can be agreed upon together, each parent adapts their parenting method when the child is in their care. It allows you to distance yourself from your ex without depriving your child of a parent and sets clear boundaries that prevent further abuse or conflict.
      The aim is to facilitate emotional healing from the relationship while prioritising your child’s needs and protecting them from conflict.  
      To give you the best start after divorce, here’s 5 tips for parallel parenting. 
      1. Create a parenting plan  
      It’s best to plan ahead to avoid disagreements. The more prepared you are and the more detailed the plan is, the less you’re likely to argue with your ex and the more minimal the contact is. Minimise stress for your child and ensure your safety by agreeing as much as you can in advance, including: 

      Agreeing timing of visits, including dates and start and end times, in writing.
      Establish how to handle cancellations, and when and how they should be communicated.
      Consider how often the child will see each parent?
      Who will attend your child’s functions or doctor visits?
      Agree who will drop them off and pick them up?
      Plan ahead to decide where your child will spend their holidays and birthdays?
      Choose a neutral location or even ask a family member or a trusted friend to pick your child for you.
      Set out financial responsibilities, and dos and don’ts.
      You can figure out logistics using email or another form of communication that doesn’t involve meeting face to face.  

       2. Let yourself heal
      Ideally, after separating from an abusive ex-partner, you’d cut contact and never see them again.  But when there are children involved, this is not always possible to eliminate them from your life completely. When some form of contact must remain, prioritise fulfilling your needs as well as supporting your child. Incorporate self-care into your routine to reduce stress and reconnect with your self. The best way to deal with the situation is by moving forward, so when you’re ready to, concentrate on your long-term goals. Focus on building resilience and reintroducing happiness to your life.  
       3. Accept the current situation
      Parallel parenting, and maintaining some contact with an abusive or difficult ex-partner after you’ve chosen to divorce, can be very challenging. It’s natural to struggle with negative emotions such as guilt, regret, shame and anger, and feeling as though things aren’t fair. You may find it hard to accept that your ex is still a parent to your child. Try to practice acceptance. Things are the way they are and all you can do is make the best out of the situation. Focus your energy on parenting your child and providing them with all the love and support they need. 
      4. Keep communication to the minimum
      Only communicate with your ex when it’s necessary. Agree to contact them via email or use a parenting app, and document every interaction. Keep your communication impersonal and matter of fact, discussing only topics that relate to your child and sharing no personal information or detail. Try not to let your ex provoke you or use your child as a messenger. It can be difficult not to ruminate on the relationship whenever an email pops up or whenever your child is spending time with them. Try to distance yourself and treat interaction with your ex as a business that’s necessary to keep your child happy.  
       5. Appoint a mediator
      If there’s a lot of resentment between you and your ex, or your safety might be compromised, it’s a good idea to appoint a professional mediator. Mediation helps divorced parents to align their intentions and focus on their shared priority, the child. With the help of mediation, divorced parents can make well-informed decisions, reduce conflict, and set out an effective and mutually beneficial plan for all members of the family.
      Parallel parenting can be challenging and confusing, and the details of an arrangement will depend on the individual situation. Consider getting advice from a professional.
      If you need help and support with parallel parenting you can contact My Family Psychologist, who offer specialised counselling services for adults, couples, and children as well as mediation services.
      Family Law Advice
      If you are in an abusive or high-conflict relationship and would like advice on your legal situation, please do contact our Client Care Team to speak to one of our specialist lawyers. More

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      in Parenting

      Parenting A Strong Willed Child

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      A strong willed child is often regarded in either a very positive light or a very negative light, depending on your preconceptions. So is a strong willed bad? I certainly don’t think so. As with most things, there are positives and negatives to being strong willed. A iron-willed child will be resolute and determined. Those are great qualities in the right circumstances. In fact they can make for great leaders! However, a strong-minded child can also be inflexible and mulish. Those qualities generally result in more negative behaviors. If you are parenting a strong willed child, you may be about at the end of your rope. Don’t fear. Take a deep breath, help is here.

      The Strong-Willed Child

      If your spirited child

      Engages in frequent temper tantrums Doesn’t accept instructions at face valueSeems to enjoy arguing with you over everythingLikes to ask “why” on a regular basisAnd tends to be outspoken and disruptive

      Then you’re probably parenting a strong-willed child. Headstrong kids like to learn things for themselves instead of accepting what others tell them. They want to be in charge of themselves so strong willed children usually test the limits you set. They will often desire to do what they think is the right thing above everything else.

      This can certainly create some difficult and challenging days for parents. It’s good to accept your child’s temperament and encourage them to think for themselves. This can help avoid constant power struggles. On the other hand, they also need to learn that there are boundaries and expectations that they will need to comply with.

      How To Parent A Strong Willed Child

      Some people would say, “how to deal with a strong willed child” but I think that sounds a bit negative. Remove your preconceptions that “they need to be dealt with” and replace them with a more positive framing. What you really want to figure out is how to parent a strong willed child. These tips will help you set boundaries with your strong-willed child’s behavior while also giving them the space they need to be themselves. Consistently working in a loving way to strengthen the parent-child relationship and set clear expectations will help reduce behavior problems.

      1. Establish Family Rules

      Gather all of the family members for a family meeting about the rules you want to set. Explain the expectations and what your kids can expect the result to be if they don’t comply. Welcome feedback from your kids about rules they feel are important or why they feel certain rules aren’t important. Explain that the rules are for everyone and ask your child if they understand the rules and the consequences of breaking them. Once you have this buy in from strong willed kids, it is more likely they will make good choices.

      2. Create Predictability

      Strong-willed children don’t do well when their power is taken away from them. Creating structure helps them to know what is expected of them. And if a day is going to be a little off from the norm, talk to your child about it ahead of time. In this way, they know what to expect beforehand instead of expecting them to adjust at a moment’s notice. Taking time to communicate with them about changes will help avoid their frustration and resulting disruptive behavior.

      3. Forget Ultimatums

      A strong-willed child will see an ultimatum as a challenge and they won’t back down. If they misbehave and you give them a time-out until they’re ready to cooperate, they’ll sit in time-out all day long. Instead, encourage cooperation by working with them. Next time, instead of giving them time-out until they’re ready to clean up their toys, work together to clean them up. This will has the added benefit of helping them learn to work together with others.

      4. Be Patient

      Furthermore, delaying gratification can be a better way of encouraging your child to cooperate than time outs. For instance, they can’t go outside to play or ride bikes until the toys are cleaned up. They’ll be more inclined to do the thing they don’t want to do so that they can do the thing they do want to do. Instead of getting involved in a battle of wills, they will mostly like chose the good behavior themselves in order to get what they really want.

      5. Pay Attention

      Your child may not be able to accurately verbalize what they’re feeling, but they’ll show it in their actions. Pay attention to their frustration and anger levels. When do they feel the most frustrated, what is upsetting them, and how do they handle it? These can be clues to help you figure out how to best help them cope. Remember that younger children are still learning to identify their own emotions and understand how to communicate big feelings. A child’s emotions are sometimes confusing to them as well. However their behavior offers a clue. A defiant child displaying aggressive behavior usually feels something is unfair and they feel angry. If you can find a way to help them express themselves with their words, they will often feel better and behave better.

      More Resources For Parenting A Strong Willed Child

      Want more reading on the subject? Try the very well reviewed book, Parenting The Strong-Willed Child: The Clinically Proven Five-Week Program for Parents of Two- to Six-Year-Olds. This classic by Rex Forehand, Ph.D. and Nicholas Long Ph.D. has helped hundreds of thousands of parents with disciplining a strong willed child using positive reinforcement. They have lots of great ideas for managing the strong-willed temperament in effective ways.

      A strong-willed child can certainly test your patience, but they’re also free thinkers, go-getters, and independent- all qualities you want to encourage! By helping them find the best ways to express themselves and deal with the times they have to comply with rules, you’ll both find some satisfaction. As you help these experiential learners with problem solving difficult situations, you will see their behavior improve in important ways.

      I hope these tips for parenting a strong willed child help you find an effective style of parenting and reduces behavioral challenges. Being a positive parent with happy kids will suit you all better. Which suggestion did you find the most helpful?

      Related Posts:

      The Power of Positive Parenting

      How To Keep A Marriage Strong While Raising Children

      How To Teach A Child To Share More

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      in Parenting

      What Is Helicopter Parenting?

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      You’ve probably heard the term “helicopter parenting,” but what is it? And is it okay or is it something you should try to avoid? Today’s blog post will provide a helicopter parenting definition. It will also look at the negative effects of helicopter parents on children’s lives despite the good intentions behind this parenting style.

      What Is A Helicopter Parent?

      The term “helicopter parent” was first introduced by Dr. Haim Ginott in his 1969 book Between Parent & Teenager. In it, teens he interviewed said their parents would hover over them like a helicopter. It become such a popular term that in 2011 it was entered in the dictionary. Merriam-Webster defines it as “a parent who is overly involved in the life of his or her child.”

      It can be hard to find the fine line between being an involved parent and smothering your child with too much attention. We just want to be good parents and protect our children. We want to help them find their path in life while keeping them safe and making them feel loved. But is there a point when parental involvement goes too far, not allowing our kids to learn things through difficult experiences?

      When our kids are young children, they definitely need our help more frequently. It’s our job to keep them safe, protect them from harm, and even do things for them that they’re not yet able to do. But helicopter parenting goes a little further and usually refers to parents of older children; high school or college students. At this age, kids should be able to handle many situations on their own or should be learning how to do so. However, helicopter parents tend to take responsibility instead of allowing young people to make their own decisions.

      Helicopter Parenting Examples

      For instance, a student that gets a poor grade or needs to arrange for a special test schedule. A helicopter parent speaks to the teacher for them. An older student should be able to handle these situations with their teachers or professors on their own and should be encouraged to do so for the life experience. But a helicopter parent might take this opportunity to handle the phone call or email for their child. However, this keeps their child from gaining the experience of dealing with these types of situations.

      Helicopter parents may handle the whole college process for the child. Instead of discussing a plan and guiding the child, helicopter moms might draw up a whole course of action for the child. They will then remain over involved at each step deciding when the child should study what and the extracurricular activities the child should participate in. Intrusive parents may go even further deciding where the child should apply to college and applying for them. While you can see how the impact of helicopter parenting can hinder healthy development of life skills for the child, negative outcomes can be even worse.

      Overprotective parents may play the mama bear card too often “protecting their child” from even the smallest criticism. This can often have the reverse effect making the child even more sensitive to feedback as they are assured it is an attack on them that is unfair and that they need the parent to save them from. When children learn that they should not do things for themselves, they may develop an overwhelming fear of failure and lack of trust in their own ability.

      What Motivates Helicopter Parents?

      Helicopter parents usually have their reasons for this behavior, but they basically boil down to a few:

      Fear – They’re afraid their child won’t handle the situation and it could cause long-term harm. Whether the child is dealing with a classroom situation, a sports team, or a job, parents are afraid if the situation isn’t handled well, it could have a negative impact on their child.

      Anxiety or Worry – Worry in other areas of life can cause parents to overcompensate in other areas. If a parent is worried about a situation in their own life that they can’t control, they look for ways to control other situations. They feel that even if everything is falling apart in their own life, they can at least help their child.

      Overcompensation – Parents who felt unloved as a child want their own child to feel loved. And providing constant attention and support, they think, will make their child feel loved.

      Effects Of Helicopter Parents

      Helicopter parenting often starts out as a parent who is concerned about their child and who pays them close attention. At a young age, this is needed. However, the helicopter parent misses the importance of encouraging independence as the child grows older. They miss the importance of allowing them to fail and learn from their mistakes.

      This is when helicopter parenting can backfire. It can leave the child with low self-esteem, underdeveloped coping and social skills, increased anxiety, and a sense of entitlement. These effects of helicopter parenting are ironically all things that parents want to help their child avoid. However, helicopter parents don’t realize they’re causing these emotional problems.

      According to the Child Mind Institute, a new study from the University of Buffalo, “speaks to the issue of whether too much hovering over a child can be bad for her. Researchers looked at people who had been through difficult things, and they found that, on the one hand, going through very traumatic experiences does not bode well for one’s long-term resilience, but, on the other, going through almost no difficult experiences also does not bode well for one’s resilience. Having obstacles to overcome is what helps children to build resilience, to develop coping skills to deal with things that are difficult.”

      Recent research from Florida State University reveals how helicopter parenting leads to lower self-control among young adults. “Self-control allows us to regulate behavior in order to achieve our long-term goals,” said Professor Frank Fincham. When this happens, those students are more likely to experience school burnout. The research also points out that “Dealing with school burnout often spawns more mental health challenges, such as anxiety, depression or addiction, and leads to worse academic outcomes”.

      How To Avoid Becoming A Helicopter Parent

      It can be hard to avoid becoming a helicopter parent, especially when you only want the best for your child. However learning to take a step back is necessary to allow your child become independent. It can be difficult to watch your child make mistakes or struggle. However, they will have to face these things sooner or later. The earlier they are allowed to guide themselves through small issues and deal with the consequences of their actions, the more likely that those repercussions will be small. Learning these life lessons younger will help make things easier for them to cope with later on.

      Take time to reflect on how involved you are in steering your child’s life. Try to look at it objectively. If you would be embarrassed to admit the things you are doing for your child or to protect your child, you may be overly involved parents with too much control. Look for opportunities to support and encourage your child’s independence. Yes, they will make mistakes and they will struggle, but then you can be there to help them (not do it for them!) work through the failure and pick themselves back up. Another important life skill they’ll need to learn.

      How To Deal With Helicopter Parents

      As a teacher, my husband deals with helicopter parents fairly often. The common problem is they assume their child is a perfect innocent little angel. They often think that as a good parent the best way to handle a bad grade is to go directly to the teacher and fix things. While it can be uncomfortable to feel attacked by a helicopter parent, the best thing to do is remain calm.

      Remember, these perfectionist parents are just upset and trying to solve things. Try to involve the child in the conversation when appropriate so that the child gets a chance to speak for himself or herself. Use clear communication to establish the situation and what you think is a reasonable resolution. Create boundaries if needed and seek a third party to arbitrate if things start to escalate.

      Conclusion

      In recent years, research has confirmed that the children of helicopter parents have a harder time with self-control skills. They tend to experience more fear of disappointing others and suffer from more mental health issues. There is no question that the parent-child relationship is important. However, being overly involved in the lives of young adult children is detrimental even for well intentioned parents. Instead, allow your child be responsible for their own success (or failure). Stand back and offer them support when they ask for it but don’t guide their every move. I hope this helped answer, “What is helicopter parenting?” I also hope it inspires you encourage independence in your child and let them take the lead in their own lives.

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      Inspirational Quotes About Family Strength and Love

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      I love reading inspirational quotes about family strength to remind me that we are blessed to have each other in good times and in bad times. Sometimes words just hit you in a way that really connects with you. I have been searching out and saving up inspirational quotes about many topics and saving them to my Impactful Words Pinterest Board for several years. Today, I thought I would share some of my favorite inspirational family quotes with you.

      These family bonding quotes will help you remember and be able to verbalize the importance of family time. Above all, these family quotes will also serve to remind you that family should be your support network, your refuge in the storm, and your source of happiness. I hope they offer you motivation and inspiration to make your family a priority and to devote the time and effort they deserve.

      Below, I have gathered up 7 great inspirational family quotes into one free printable image that you can print or save to Pinterest for safe keeping. I truly believe that nothing is as important as family. Consequently, we need to make sure that we are there for each other, to always be supportive, and lend an ear or advice when needed. These quotes may offer you comfort when you are down. Good, strong families are the compass by which we navigate life. Families are like a super close tribe or clan that provide meaning and hopefully a firm foundation for us to interact with the world. In conclusion, I hope you enjoy these family time quotes as much as I do.

      The Best Family Quotes And Free Printables

      “At the end of the day, a loving family should find everything forgivable.” -Mark V. Olson

      “The happiest moments of my life have been the few that I have passed at home, in the bosom of my family.” -Thomas Jefferson

      “When you look at your life, the greatest happinesses are family happinesses.” -Joyce Brothers

      “I think togetherness is very important to family life.” – Barbara Bush

      “In every conceivable manner, the family is link to our past, bridge to our future.” -Alex Haley

      “Having a place to go is a home. Having someone to love is a family. Having both is a blessing.” -Donna Hedges

      “The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life.” -Richard Bach

      As a parent, I have always known that I want the best for my family and I strive to be the best parent I can be. These seven best inspirational family quotes are on the two images above which you are free to print and post. Subsequently, I hope they serve as a beautiful reminder of how blessed we are to have each other and together we can reach great heights.

      Inspirational Quotes About Family Strength

      I love these inspirational family quotes about strength. Family bonds are some of the strongest bonds there are and this is because we increase their strength as we face challenges together over time and respond with love and forgiveness for each other.

      “Families are like branches branches on a tree. We grow in different directions yet our roots remain as one.” –Pinterest

      “Our family is a circle of strength and love, with every birth and every union, the circle will grow, every joy shared adds more love, every crisis faced together, makes the circle stronger.” -Unknown

      “When everything goes to hell, the people who stand by you without flinching — they are your family. ” -Jim Butcher

      “The strength of a family, like the strength of an army, is in its loyalty to each other. ”  -Mario Puzo

      “In the family, there is strength that all the power in the world cannot undo.” -Unknown

      “When trouble comes, it’s your family that supports you.” -GuyLafleur

      “Families are the compass that guide us. They are the inspiration to reach great heights, and our comfort when we occasionally falter.”    -Brad Henry

      ‘There is no doubt that it is around the family and the home that all the greatest virtues, the most dominating virtues of human society, are created, strengthened and maintained.” –Winston Churchill

      “The only rock I know that stays steady, the only institution I know that works, is the family.” -Lee Iacocca

      “My life is proof that no matter what situation you’re in, as long as you have a supportive family, you can achieve anything.” -Michaela DePrince (She was born in war-torn Sierra Leone and became an American ballet dancer.)

      Which of those family strengths quotes did you find most moving?

      Quotes About Family Love

      Here are a few more of my favorite inspirational quotes about family.

      “In family life, love is the oil that eases friction, the cement that binds closer together, and the music that brings harmony.” -Friedrich Nietzsche

      “Being a family means you are a part of something very wonderful. It means you will love and be loved for the rest of your life.” -Lisa Weed

      “Don’t write your name on sand, waves will wash it away. Don’t write your name in sky, wind may blow it away. Write your name in hearts of people you come in touch with. That’s where it will stay.” –Pinterest

      “Nobody knows you or understands you like family.” -Scarlet Paolicchi

      “I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life.” – Maya Angelou

      “Having somewhere to go is home. Having someone to love is family. And having both is a blessing.” -Unknown

      “Family is a lifejacket in the stormy sea of life.” -J.K. Rowling

      “The way you help heal the world is you start with your own family.” -Mother Teresa

      “Family is a unique gift that needs to be appreciated and treasured, even when they’re driving you crazy. As much as they make you mad, interrupt you, annoy you, curse at you, try to control you, these are the people who know you the best and who love you.” -Jenna Morasca

      “You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you.” -Frederick Buechner

      “A happy family is but an earlier heaven.” -George Bernard Shaw

      “Family is not an important thing. It’s everything.” -Michael J. Fox

      “The family is the first essential cell of human society.”  -Pope John XXIII

      “You don’t choose your family. They are God’s gift to you, as you are to them.” -Desmond Tutu

      That last quote is so beautiful. For the love of family, may we always aspire to be gifts to each other!

      Thoughts On These Quotes For Families

      These quotes were selected to inspire you even in difficult times. To recenter you around what is truly important. Further, to help you remember that people are what make this life special. Our job is to treasure our family members for who they are and to help them be their best selves. Our reward is our lifelong relationship.

      Serena Williams said, “Family’s first, and that’s what matters most. We realize that our love goes deeper than the tennis game.” That goes to show, she prioritizes her family over her competitive spirit, over her passion for the game. It makes clear how strong family love should be.

      I would remind you that wonderful as they can be, families are not perfect. Do not expect them to be. We are are all human. We all make mistakes. However, with compassion and love, together we can rise above it all, stronger than before. And that, is a beautiful thing! After all, family is forever.

      As Jane Howard said, ““Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.” We all need a group of people to count on, to trust, to love, and be loved by.

      Marge Kennedy also said it well, ““In truth a family is what you make it. It is made strong, not by number of heads counted at the dinner table, but by the rituals you help family members create, by the memories you share, by the commitment of time, caring, and love you show to one another, and by the hopes for the future you have as individuals and as a unit.”

      Conclusion

      Families should support each other. They will suffer hardships and mistakes. However those will be easier to get through when you are there for each other giving love and encouragement. A close knit family takes a lot of work just like anything else. Family also brings so much joy that it is well worth it!

      So which ones of these inspirational quotes about family strength were your favorites? It is pretty hard to pick the best one of these family bonding quotes, isn’t it? Which ones do you think offer comfort to those that are down? Furthermore, which ones remind you that you will never be left behind or forgotten?

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      Quotes On Follow Through And Why It Is So Important

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      Today, I want to share with you some of my favorite quotes on follow through. I think that as a general concept everyone knows follow through is important but sometimes it takes too much time, effort, confidence, or desire. However, following through is part of building trust and confidence in ourselves and others. These quotes will help inspire you be the type of person who pursues and completes what they start. I also have some great insight from author Casey Russell on the art of consistently following through on what you say.

      My Favorite Quotes On Following Through

      “I can give you a six-word formula for success: Think things through – then follow through.” -Eddie Rickenbacker, American fighter ace in World War I, Medal of Honor recipient

      “Character is the ability to follow through on a resolution long after the emotion with which it was made has passed.” –Brian Tracy, Motivational public speaker and self-development author

      “Many people don’t focus enough on execution. If you make a commitment to get something done, you need to follow through on that commitment.” also “For me, integrity is the consistency of words and actions.” –Kenneth Chenault, CEO of a Fortune 500 company

      “Do what you say you’re going to do. Follow through means never having to say you’re sorry.” -Mark Goulston

      “Good thoughts are no better than good dreams if you don’t follow through.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson, Essayist, lecturer, philosopher, abolitionist and poet

      “Those who only do what they feel like, don’t do much. To be successful at anything you must take action even when you don’t feel like it, knowing it is the action itself that will produce the motivation you need to follow through.” also “When you value your integrity at the highest level, living alignment with your word and following through with your commitments no matter what, there are no limits to what you can create for your life. However, when you make excuses, justify doing what is easiest, and choose the path of least resistance, you will live a life of mediocrity, frustration and regret. Live with integrity as if your life depended on it, because it does.” –Hal Elrod, Author, keynote speaker and success coach

      “When we don’t follow through with what we say to our kids, we are teaching them to ignore our words.” -Casey Russell, author of The Handbook for Life With Little Ones

      “Those who are blessed with the most talent don’t necessarily outperform everyone else. It’s the people with follow-through who excel.” -Mary Kay Ash, Founder of Mary Kay Cosmetics

      “People will follow you when you build the character to follow through.” -Orrin Woodward, founder of Life as well as a New York Times bestselling author 

      “All the time and effort put into networking can be all for naught if there is no follow-through. The same goes for sales. And leadership. And … well, everything.” -Beth Ramsay, Founder and CEO of Brilliant Women

      “It was character that got us out of bed, commitment that moved us into action, and discipline that enabled us to follow through.” -Zig Ziglar, Author, salesman, and motivational speaker

      “words are meaningless without intent and follow through and intent without good planning and proper action is equally meaningless.” David Amerland, Author of The Sniper Mind

      These quotes on following through really make it clear why it is an essential element to success in life and relationships.

      The Art of Consistently Following Through on What You Say

      I am very happy to share with you some wise words from Casey Russell on why it is important to follow through. She is the author of The Handbook for Life With Little Ones:  Information, Ideas and Tips for Birth to Age Five. For more ideas and tips for early parenting, feel free to check out her book (affiliate link below).

      by Casey Russell

      Being a parent can be hard. It’s a big responsibility to be in charge, not only of another human’s basic needs, but to also need to keep that human safe, teach him morals, respect, discipline, help him grow his self-esteem and make sure he learns all his curious mind needs know in this world. It’s especially hard when our kids seem not to listen to what we say. Why, we wonder, is my child whining for more when I’ve already told him that’s all he can have? Why is he not getting off the swing when I’ve already counted to 10 in my “I’m serious” voice?

      Have I been following through?

      The answer to this often lies in a simple question we need to ask ourselves. “Have I been following through on what I say to my child?” Kids are smart. They are learning all the time by observing us. They notice when we say one thing and do another.

      Picture this: You are running errands with your child. He asks for a toy. You say, “No, we can’t buy a toy today.” He starts to whine. You tell him no again. He continues to whine and keeps asking for the toy while you are attempting to concentrate on getting the things on your list. He gets louder. You grab the toy and say, “Fine, but we’re not doing this every time we come to the store.” If this scenario sounds at all familiar, now is the time to ask the question: “Have I been following through on what I say to my child?” And, the answer will be no.

      When We Don’t Follow Through

      When we don’t follow through with what we say to our kids, we are teaching them to ignore our words and keep asking until we give in. This is not only frustrating, it can also be dangerous. If they learn to ignore our words in situations like these, they will also be less likely to “Stop!” when we need them to for safety reasons. They are learning, too, that they do not need to respect the fact that someone has said, “No.” We do not want our kids to do this to us and we definitely don’t want them to do it as adults.

      It seems so much easier in the moment, to give in. It gets the child to stop whining and you can focus on what you need to do. But, by accepting the temptation of this moment’s peace, you are inviting years of arguments, whining and disrespect.

      Following Through Earns Respect

      Luckily, there is a solution. Starting now, and forevermore, follow through. If you tell your child he can have one more cracker. Give ONE more. Don’t give in when he cries. Teach him, through your actions, that you mean what you say. If he starts to whine, you can gently say, “Oh, you know you don’t get what you want when you whine. Those crackers are really good. But, we’re done with them for now. What should we go play?” None of this needs to be said loudly or meanly. You just need to make a small shift to a more serious tone. Your child will quickly learn there’s no use in arguing because it’s not going to get him what he wants.

      Only Say Things You Will Carry Out

      With that said, make sure to say things you can follow through with. For example, if you are at the airport and your child starts acting up, don’t say, “If you don’t stop screaming, we are going home.” Because, let’s face it, you’re not going to go home. You’re going to get on the plane and your child will have learned you don’t always mean what you say. Or, if your child is running away from you at bedtime instead of letting you brush his teeth, don’t say, “If you don’t come to me right now, you are not going to sleep with your teddy bear.” The truth is, he will need his teddy bear to go to sleep and that punishment is too strong. No one needs to be mean. Pick something else that will matter to him but that won’t emotionally wound him or make him feel unsafe. An alternative would be, “Right now you have 2 books for bedtime. I am giving you one more chance to come to me so I can brush your teeth. If you don’t, we will only be able to do 1 book for bedtime.” This is a consequence that will matter to him, but is not mean spirited.

      I think it’s important to say “yes” to kids often. But, when “no” is said, they need to know, and be able to trust, that we mean it. Talk about things. Consistently follow through. Let your child know the boundaries and let him take control of remembering where they are. When the boundaries are clear, kids will most often cooperate because they don’t have to test the boundaries. When a rule needs to be made, just gently let your child know what it is– and why– and then stick to it. And then, when your child does a great job making a choice you were hoping he’d make, thank him! Positive reinforcement works wonders. Kids like to know they’ve done something good. We all do. We like to know we’re appreciated.

      Following through on what you say means you consistently do this for promises you make your child, too. If you’ve said your little one can help you bake cookies after his nap, don’t poop out and let time get away from you. Bake the freakin’ cookies! If you’ve said you’ll go to the park after you’re done paying bills, but it is raining when you’re done, get on the raincoats and go! If you do this, your child’s trust in you, and his sense of surety in the world, will grow. By doing this one thing, you will most likely find you have a child who doesn’t whine or put up fits. He will know it’s not worth whining because he’ll know that you mean what you say. It will help him feel safe because he can trust you and he will know the boundaries.

      Get yourself in the practice of consistently following through and then stick to it. This same principle of carrying through a process to completion will serve you well in all facets of your life to help you be respected and accomplish more.

      Thanks again to Casey Russell for sharing those inspiring word on staying true to what we say and for great examples of how to follow through with discipline in a firm but gentle way.

      Follow Through Synonyms And Antonyms:

      Perhaps the most convincing argument for why follow through is so important lies the definition of the phrase. If you look for a word that means the same thing as follow through and a word that means the opposite of following through, you will know right away which side you want to fall on! See the below according to Merriam-Webster:

      Synonyms for follow through (with)

      accomplish, achieve, bring off, carry off, carry out, commit, compass, do, execute, fulfill (or fulfil), make, negotiate, perform, perpetrate, prosecute, pull off, put through

      Near Antonyms for follow through (with)

      failskimp, slight, slur

      Always Follow Through On Your Commitments

      When you really think about it, following through is probably one of the characters you admire the most in your role models. This is because this quality makes them trustworthy. It also demonstrates that they are hard workers who execute their plans. They make things happen. Whether it is in business, personal life, or parenting, follow through is essential to being reliable and getting things done well.

      I hope you enjoyed the quotes on follow through. Which ones did you think were the best following through quotes? I’d love to hear and additional quotes on following through or any personal stories that illustrate the importance in the comments or on social media @familyfocusblog!

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      When And How To Buy First Bra For Your Daughter

      by

      As a parent, we learn to deal with all matter of uncomfortable topics but often puberty is one that still makes most of us cringe a bit. After all puberty is a sign that your little one is growing up and those can be hard changes to face. However, such topics are important to face head on as you want your child to know the facts and feel comfortable coming to you with questions. Puberty is happening earlier these days and some parents may be wondering when is the right time to buy a first bra, how to talk to their daughter, and what type of bras to buy. That is why I am happy to have an expert on the subject today, Dr. Cara Natterson, to share some tips on how parents can talk to their child about first bras and puberty.

      When should my daughter start wearing a bra?

      So there it is. The big question that many parents have is, “When should girls start wearing bras?” The answer to this is quite honestly opened ended but most people want a definitive answer. So for those who must have an age, the average age seems to be about 11. However, some children as young as 8 may start be starting puberty.

      I would say that the answer to, “When should girls start wearing a training bra?” is based on one of two reasons. First a training bra may be desired for function. In other words, the bra may be wanted to provide support for growing breasts, to hide nipples from showing through shirts, or to cover sensitive growing breast and decrease sensitivity of shirts rubbing against them. So, girls should start wearing a bra when their functionality is needed.

      Another reason that girls may want to start wearing a bra is for modesty, fashion or to fit in socially. For me, I remember suddenly having to change in a common area for gym class in middle school and you can bet I wanted a bra ASAP. I would say that if your child hasn’t needed one for function before middle school, it is time to get training bras to be ready for middle school.

      If your child wants a bra, there is no reason that she not have this undergarment. If you are concerned she is too young for a bra, that is what training bras are for!

      Featuring OOMBRA, the only pediatrician-designed bra

      What is a training bra?

      So now that we have established that a child typically needs their first bra some time before starting middle school, you may be wondering, “What is a training bra?” Well, it certainly does not train the breast. They don’t really need training. It is more about training the child to get used to an extra undergarment. For this reason, training bras are usually made of a soft, comfortable material in a sports bra style without underwires or cups. They are designed for comfort and support but not to push up breast or sexualize your child.

      How To Have The Conversation With A Child Developing Breasts About When It’s Time To Get A Bra

      Today, I have some excellent tips to share from Dr. Cara Natterson, pediatrician and cofounder of the OOMLA platform which includes the Puberty Portal where tweens and teens can find pediatrician-approved content written by their peers to help navigate this transformative time in their lives. OOMBRA is the only pediatrician-designed bra in the market, specifically created for tweens and teens to make the transformation from child to adult more comfortable on all fronts – physically, emotionally, and socially.

      Dr. Cara Natterson is also a New York Times best-selling author of multiple books regarding puberty, including The Care and the Keeping of You series with more than 6 million copies in print. Affiliate link below.

      Here are her tips on how parents can talk to their child about first bras and puberty.

      Some girls want to wear a bra well before they need one.

      They might be later bloomers, and all of their friends are wearing bras already – for these kids, having a bra helps them feel like they fit in. Others are super young, we’re talking 6 or 7 years old, but they see bras as representing female empowerment and ownership of your body. They might not express it quite this way, but for these young girls, a bra often represents female strength and power. How awesome is that? For girls who don’t really need bras but want them anyhow, parents can – and I think should – ask their girls why. Not in a judgmental way, but in a curious way, to begin to understand how their daughters feel about their bodies. This opens up an important conversational thread that will last for years. We designed OOMBRAs to fit even the smallest, flattest-chested girls who may want to wear these garments for all the right reasons. 

      Some girls need a bra but it’s the very last thing they want to think about.

      Now technically, no one needs a bra. But as bodies grow and develop, breasts have a way of garnering a tremendous amount of attention. Partially that’s due to the appearance of breast buds, the small bumps that look like a stack of dimes has just landed underneath the nipple. These buds are tender and pointy, almost torpedo-shaped. Over the next many months – often it’s years – boobs grow and shape-shift. The tissue can be super sensitive, especially to the accidental thwack by a ball or an errant elbow. Wearing a bra helps on many fronts: bras protect sensitive skin from irritating clothing rubbing against it; they compress the breast tissue, reducing tenderness when something does bang up against it; and they minimize the appearance of new boobs (at least non-padded bars do), calling less attention to the area. Once breasts are big enough, bras also help hold them in place which can make running and jumping and other forms of exercise more comfortable for the big-busted. If you think your daughter needs a bra for one (or all!) of these reasons, find a way to talk openly with her. Share your thoughts or, better yet, ask her if she’s ever had any boob-related tenderness or sensitivity and offer up a solution. 

      Verbal Ways To Broach The Subject Of First Bras

      If you and your daughter are talkers, then a verbal conversation is the way to go. But oftentimes, having a sensitive conversation works best when intense eye contact isn’t involved. So try bringing up the subject when you aren’t staring one another down – perhaps in a car (when you’re both facing forward and not making eye contact) or on a walk (same deal) or at night after the lights have been turned off and she’s getting ready for bed (but don’t try this last technique if you think bringing up the subject will result in a heated argument).

      Non Verbal Ways To Bring Up Training Bras

      If you’re not big talkers, there are many other ways to broach the subject. You can find an article (like this one!) and print it out, leaving it around the house somewhere she will find it. Or try texting her a link with a preamble like: Thought you might find this interesting. I’ve met kids who keep a Q+A journal that they pass back and forth with their parents to ask the awkward questions. I’ve seen parents use a scene in a movie or an ad to get the ball rolling on the subject. There are lots of ways to open up the lines of communication about bras.

      Some “Don’ts”

      Don’t decide to announce she needs a bra in front of her friends. Don’t announce she needs a bra in front of her siblings. Don’t even announce it – this goes far better when it’s a conversation, not a lecture or a pronouncement. Don’t dismiss her if she doesn’t think she needs one. Don’t decide you know what style or color bra she’s going to like. Don’t suggest a bra that’s meant for a specific use – a sports bra, for instance, works well for sports but it’s designed to be tight and made of synthetic materials, so it’s not a great option for all day wear. And finally, don’t confuse wearing a bra with being sexualized – there are lots of options that are comfortable and age appropriate.

      Featuring Crossed Straps OOMBRA

      How To Buy First Bra

      When you go to select a first bra, keep in mind you want something easy to put on, with a giving fit, and that is comfortable. I am partial to a training bra with no clips, clasps, strap adjusters or wires. Not only does this make things easier for your daughter, it also makes them super comfortable.

      How To Measure For First Bra

      Your child can be wearing her shirt when you take the measurement. To find the bra size, use a soft tape measure, wrapping it around the biggest part of her bust. Don’t pull tight! The number of inches around her chest is will help you select the correct size first bra in a brand sizing chart. Or if you are buying an OOMBRA the number of inches around her chest is the only information you need as that will be the size you order.

      Buying My Daughter Her First Bra

      I bought my daughter her first bra as part of back to school shopping. My daughter started middle school in 5th grade and she didn’t really need it for function yet but I wanted her to be comfortable changing in gym class. I told her that I wanted to get her some bras so she would feel comfortable changing and so that she would feel comfortable as she began to hit puberty and her body began to change. She was very receptive to the idea and said she wanted some because her friends were starting to get them too.

      My daughter is 16 now but OOMBRA still makes great bras for her. They are super soft and completely reversible, made from a patented design that hugs without binding. The criss-cross design in the back makes for a perfect balance of snug and relaxed fit that makes her feel confident in her clothing.

      Conclusion

      I hope this article answers your questions about when should girls start wearing a training bra. I also hope it helps you tackle the first bra conversation with your daughter. It doesn’t have to be awkward. In fact, it is a great time to show your daughter that it is OK to talk about anything with you and that you are there to help her get answers anytime she needs them!

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