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    Cuffing Season – Should I have a post-divorce festive fling?

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    In the era of social media, and the Tik Tok generation, a lot of interesting terminology has come to the fore, particularly around relationships. ‘Cuffing Season’ gained traction in the mid-2010s and is coming back into use.
    The term is related to being ‘cuffed’ or tied down. It refers to the autumn and winter seasons where single people choose to have a short fling so they can have companionship for the colder months. Once 15th February (the day after Valentine’s Day) rolls around, it’s time to move on and the brief relationship comes to an end. If you’re divorced, this might seem tempting, but there are some things to be aware of before you get whisked away.
    We’ve all seen the movies where the single asks their best friend (or a complete stranger!) to pretend to be their partner for Christmas, or Valentine’s Day. Hollywood would have us believe that it is inevitable that the protagonist and their ‘holi-date’ fall in love. However, this is not always reality, and cuffing season can have its downsides, especially when you’ve been through divorce or a breakup.
    The Emotional Side
    If you have recently gone through divorce or a breakup of a relationship, you’re likely to be feeling a range of different emotions. Loneliness and fear of being alone after an important relationship can be a motivation for seeking out a short-term relationship and someone to spend the colder months with. There is a romanticism attached to the winter and festive season, and if you’re recently single you may feel this all the more strongly.
    However, a relationship purely for the sake of it is unlikely to make you happy in the long run.
    Dating after divorce can be a great way to move forward with your life and rebuild your self-confidence. There might even be a sense of control over the experience as you know there is a definite end point, and you don’t have to get too serious!
    But it can also be problematic. Even though it can be fun, you might still experience anxiety about a fling or get more invested than you planned to. You might end up feeling more pressure and stress than you did in being single and wanting a relationship.
    A divorce coach can help you navigate the emotional complexities of a breakup, with a view for the future and potentially dating again. We have a number of partner divorce coaches who will help you build your goals and plan what you want out of the next stage of your life. If you want to start dating again, but don’t know where to begin, a dating coach is a great place to start.

    The Legal Side
    Finances
    If you are divorced, and you’ve received your final order, you are legally no longer tied to your ex-spouse. You are free to date whoever you want, and to get married again if you wish. If you are going through the divorce process but have not yet been granted your final order, you cannot legally remarry, but you can date.
    However, if you have not got a financial consent order which legally severs your financial ties with your ex, you may need to be more careful. Even if you are divorced, your ex can still bring financial claims if you do not have a financial consent order granted by the court. This means if you receive any significant gifts, finances, or even move in with a new partner, your partner could ask you for a share.
    Equally, if you are in the midst of negotiating your financial settlement, moving in with a new partner may mean that their finances and assets are taken into account in your settlement. This can make you artificially wealthier than you are in reality, and you may end up paying more to your ex.
    Living with a new partner can cause complexities when it comes to the laws around cohabitation. Cohabitees are not viewed in the same way as married couples under English and Welsh law, and you have very few rights if you break up.
    Children
    Children are often at the heart of divorce disputes. Where parents can agree amicably, an informal parenting plan can be put in place, agreed together. If this is not possible, the court may make a legally binding child arrangements order which parents must abide by.
    In many such agreements, whether formal or informal, there can be an arrangement on introducing children to new partners. This may be that you have to wait a certain amount of time after you first start dating, or your new partner must be introduced to your ex before they meet your children.
    If you get into a short-term relationship, especially if you know there is an end date already in place, this can be difficult to navigate where children are concerned. Introducing a new partner for a brief amount of time can be confusing and upsetting for children and it is important that you manage the situation carefully. You may find it easier to not bring the new partner into their lives at all!
    How can a lawyer help?
    An expert family lawyer can advise you on the ins and outs of a new partner. If you are negotiating your financial settlement, they can give guidance on what to do to ensure the settlement is correct and fair. They can advise on best practise when it comes to child arrangements, too.
    Family lawyers are there to facilitate mediation or other non-court dispute resolution methods, so you can work matters out smoothly with your ex. Some of our lawyers at Stowe are also trained mediators.
    Seek expert advice if you’re unsure on the legalities of a new relationship, particularly if you decide to move in with a new partner as there are a number of considerations to be aware of with cohabitation.
    Useful Links
    Dealing with divorce regret
    Blended families and stepparents: A beginners guide

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      New report calls for fairer outcomes for victims of domestic abuse in financial remedy proceedings

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      Resolution has recently released a new report offering insight into the interplay of domestic abuse and financial settlements in divorce, making recommendations for better protection for victim-survivors.
      Resolution is an organisation made up of family justice professionals who work with families and individuals to resolve disputes and issues around familial breakdown in a constructive way.
      The report calls for a cultural shift in the family justice system to better meet the needs of victim-survivors of domestic abuse, particularly when they are seeking financial resolutions upon divorce. The organisation conducted a survey of 500 family justice professionals, where 80% of respondents felt domestic abuse as not sufficiently considered by the court when deciding financial outcomes in divorce.
      Resolution have made a number of recommendations to help improve the experience of domestic-abuse victim survivors going through financial proceedings and reduce the long-term financial and emotional impact of divorce.
      There has also been discussion around the amount of ongoing abuse that occurs from the point a couple separates until the Court makes orders, particularly where perpetrators use the system to abuse their ex-partner further, economically, and emotionally.
      Judit Kerese, an Associate at Stowe Family Law, responds to the recommendations made by Resolution.
      The report has been a long-overdue insight into a system that currently is failing victim-survivors of domestic abuse. It is clear that family law professionals are aware of the desperate need for change. The recommendations, therefore, are welcome.
      It is all too common for perpetrators of domestic abuse to be in a position where they can assert financial control over their victim and continue to behave in a way that will either lead to victims not pursuing what they are entitled to upon separation, or simply having to be subjected to ongoing bad behaviour.
      One of the most significant recommendations is to amend the overriding objective of Part 1 of the Family Procedure Rules 2010 to mean that dealing with a case ‘justly’ means to ‘ensure the parties are safeguarded from domestic abuse’. Many victims of domestic abuse suffer from financial abuse in the short term, and often return to their abuser due to fear of financial stability. Ensuring parties are protected throughout proceedings will hopefully minimise cases of this.
      Further, the recommendation of amendments to the Financial Remedies Court Efficiency Statements to include specific reference to the need to ensure that financial proceedings are not used by perpetrators to facilitate domestic abuse, is a welcome change. There should be robust measures in place to prevent such behaviour, and ensure, as with changes to the overriding objective that victim-survivors are safeguarded.
      However, there is still a way to go, and some recommendations need more attention. For example, increasing legal aid rates to help legal aid providers be sufficiently funded to act for victim-survivors. Although legal aid funding is limited, this could add additional pressure to domestic abuse victims, many of whom are not able to meet the payments already required. This may result in victims feeling trapped with their abuser due to financial worries.
      The Government’s response remains to be seen. With a recent change in Government, and focuses shifting, it may be a while before we see real change in this area, despite the urgent need and renewed calls. I hope there will be implementation of Resolution’s recommendations before long, to offer proper justice to domestic abuse survivors.
      If you or someone you know is in immediate danger, please call the police on 999 or phone the Domestic Abuse Helpline 0808 2000 247
      Please note that Stowe Family Law cannot offer Legal Aid.

      Useful Links
      Economic abuse in financial remedy proceedings
      Read the full Resolution report

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      AI relationships: Can I marry my AI girlfriend?

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      Relationships are rarely always easy. They take work and they can be a bit of a rollercoaster.
      This might be one of the main drivers behind the rising trend of AI relationships, which are becoming hugely popular in a society that relies so heavily on technology. Statistics from whatsthebigdata.com revealed that 47% of users of one of the most popular AI dating sites would have an AI girlfriend for a long-term partnership, and there are 12 AI girlfriend apps, with over 1 million monthly users.
      Another trend is working in parallel; dating apps like Tinder are using AI to help users tailor their profile and create the perfect messages to send to potential matches. There is also a new service offering a chatbot version of the user themselves who messages the potential match on their behalf to see if they would make a good fit, before they connect as real humans.
      But what are the laws around AI girlfriends, and how is the trend impacting modern day relationships?
      Why would you have an AI girlfriend?
      Lots of people are choosing to have an AI girlfriend to combat what is being termed the ‘loneliness epidemic’. AI partners are there for a conversation whenever you need them, whether at home, on the commute to work, or at the gym. This can help users feel less lonely and almost as though there is a real listening ear.
      The chatbots are clever – the more you talk, the better it gets to know you and learns how to tailor responses to things you would like to hear, and your unique interests. For some people, this removes the stress and anxiety around the unknown of a human partner who has their own mind.
      It can also be helpful for those who struggle with social interaction as it builds confidence in communicating.

      What are the cons of an AI girlfriend?
      Psychologists and other experts have argued that AI partners are gradually removing genuine interaction – something we need as humans to function. There are plenty of worrying tales, and social isolation has a huge impact on mental and physical wellbeing. Some consider AI relationships to be toxic, in the way that they can completely take over the user’s life, and the AI bot almost ‘love-bombs‘ the user.
      There is a danger that in using AI to create the perfect partner, expectations of real relationships become skewed, and disappointment in real people leads to a cycle of continuing with the AI relationship, and lack of human interaction.
      Is it legal?
      AI girlfriends, and other AI partners, are legal if you meet the minimum age requirement for the app or website. Most of these sites require you to be 18 because they collect personal data.
      But what happens if the ‘relationship’ is successful. Can you marry an AI partner?
      Put simply, no. In UK law, you cannot marry an inanimate object, or a robot. However, there are several grey areas in English law, including consent. Both parties have to consent to the marriage and also must have the capacity to consent.
      Does AI have the capacity to consent? As they are only ever exposed to the user, there is potentially not enough remit for them to consent to marriage as they have not experienced enough of the world to make a genuine choice about their marriage partner.
      Nevertheless, you can have a symbolic marriage, which is not recognised as a valid marriage, but may be meaningful.
      Modern relationships
      Although marriage with robots, and inanimate objects, has long been in discussion, there has never been a clear answer. Many anticipated that eventually, technology would become smart enough to hold real relationships, and we see it in the movies all the time.
      Trends are changing, and whether this is good or bad is still to be discovered. Relationships are kept on a pedestal, with many people wanting to find a perfect partner and perfect relationship that does not exist… except when it is tailored exactly to our wishes.
      Will we see AI marriage in the future? And what will this mean for divorce? Are there any assets to divide? Will the laws have to change to keep up with the shifting relationship landscape? More

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      in Children

      Navigating the Conversation: Telling Your Children About Your New Partner After Divorce

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      Chloe O., one of our partner divorce coaches, discusses how to tell your children about your new partner after divorce.
      Divorce can be a challenging and emotionally taxing experience for parents and children alike. Amidst the changes and transitions, one delicate conversation arises: how to tell your children that you have met someone new. This pivotal discussion requires sensitivity, honesty, and a deep understanding of your children’s emotions. Here are some strategies to help you navigate this conversation with care.
      Don’t rush it
      Avoid introducing your new partner to your children right away. Remember that your children have already experienced a lot of changes in their family setup and stability is very important for them. Take time to build a strong foundation in your relationship before involving the children. It may be very exciting at first to have met someone new, but your children might still be adapting to their post-divorce family life and may require more time. If this is truly someone you intend to stay with, then waiting a few more months before introducing them won’t make a big difference. Once you do decide to take that step, respect your children’s pace in accepting your new partner. Understand that they may need time to process the news and adjust to the changes.
      Similarly, the first introduction should be kept short and informal. Take your time in expanding the amount of time the children spend with your new partner. Instead, try to use the time when they are with their other parent to focus on your love life and keep your parenting time to concentrate on the children. Steps such as your partner staying overnight when the children are at your house or going away on holidays together will need to be carefully considered and introduced only when the children have fully adapted to the new situation.
      Plan it properly
      Make sure you do things in the right order. If you are able to, the best approach would always be to speak to your ex first to align on the best approach for breaking the news. Discuss whether they want to be present when you tell the children. One of the pieces of advice I give to my clients as part of the divorce process is to establish some ground rules with regards to how new partners will be introduced. Must the relationship be of a certain duration? Does your ex get to meet the person first? How soon after the introduction will your new partner spend the night at your house or go on holidays with you and your children? If these are areas for concern, establishing a reciprocal code of conduct for these matters can help avoid conflict later on.
      As with any important conversation, you will want to make sure you consider the best time for it. This is both the best time of day/week and the best time in your child’s life. If they are going through a hard time at school for example, it may be worth waiting a few more weeks before speaking to them. In general, it is good advice to avoid discussing these topics during or immediately after significant events such holidays or birthdays. Ensure that everyone is in a calm and relaxed state of mind, free from distractions and interruptions.
      The place where you choose to have this conversation and who will be present are also important factors to consider when planning for this announcement. In general, it is best to try to keep things informal rather than set up a special occasion for the big reveal.
      Last but definitely not least, you’ll want to spend some time thinking through what exactly you want to say. Practicing with a friend can be helpful. As a Divorce Coach, I often practice role playing with clients to help them prepare answers to various possible questions or reactions from the children. In defining the words you want to use, you’ll want to consider various factors such as the children’s age, how they were affected by the divorce, how long you have been separated from their other parent, etc.

      Be honest and direct
      When discussing your new relationship, honesty is paramount. Be upfront with your children about your feelings and intentions. Use age-appropriate language and avoid hiding or sugar-coating the truth. However, refrain from divulging unnecessary details that may overwhelm or confuse them. Once again, making sure your message is fully thought through will really matter. If there is a very large age gap between you children, you may want to speak to them separately, albeit as close to each other as possible, to be able to address the specific concerns they have at their various ages.
      In the preparation phase, you will have prepared possible answers to questions and concerns your children might raise. It is absolutely acceptable to not have the answers to all their questions, and to say so! Being truthful and open is what matters most as it will make them feel comfortable with revisiting the subject later and sharing their feelings. Remember, though that you are not asking your children for permission here, you are informing them of a new situation. They will need to understand that the new relationship is a choice you have made and that it remains entirely your choice.
      Validate their feelings and reassure them
      As with the announcement of the divorce itself, your main objective is to make your children feel safe in light of this new change to their life. No matter how they react, acknowledge and validate your children’s emotions. Understand that they may experience a range of feelings, including confusion, anger, sadness, or even excitement. Encourage open communication and assure them that their feelings are valid and respected. Create a supportive environment where your children feel comfortable expressing their thoughts and asking questions. Be receptive to their feedback. Address any concerns or apprehensions they may have with empathy and understanding.
      Keep in mind that a moment that you may have spent several months planning for might end up feeling anti-climactic. You may have had months to process this latest change to your family life, but your children are only at the beginning of that journey. There is a strong chance they might not say much at first and may need some time to process before they ask any questions. Once you have explained the situation to them, whether they choose to discuss it further or not, make sure you leave the door open for questions later, when they feel ready.
      Through the words you choose and the way you position the new person, focus on reassuring your children that your love for them remains unchanged. Emphasise that your new relationship does not diminish the love and bond you share with them. Offer reassurance that they will always be a priority in your life.
      Avoid pushing your new partner onto them
      One last piece of advice: try to avoid setting up your new partner as someone they are going to love. While you clearly love that person, your child may initially reject them. Avoid phrases that suggest that they are expected to love this person the same way you do. Even if you really want them to like them, you are trying to avoid placing undue pressure on your children to feel attachment to a new parental figure. They will already instinctively know that you care for this person and that you ideally want them to have a good relationship, there is no need to point it out.
      Finally, it is always recommended to be careful with your words and actions so that your children don’t feel like your new partner is in any way replacing their other parent. Stay away from terminologies such as “step-father” or “step-mother” until the children choose to use them, and no matter how serious the relationship gets, don’t make them call your new partner “Mum” or “Dad”. The objective here is to avoid pressuring them to embrace your relationship and to allow them to express their thoughts and concerns openly.
      Conclusion
      Telling your children about your new partner after divorce is a significant milestone in your journey as a family. Approach the conversation with sensitivity, honesty, and empathy. Validate your children’s feelings, reassure them of your love, and respect their pace in accepting the changes. By fostering open communication and creating a supportive environment, you can navigate this transition with care and compassion, strengthening the bond within your family along the way.
      More about Chloe
      Chloe O is a Certified Divorce Coach and conflict resolution specialist. She works with her clients to support them through the ups and downs of divorce, helping them to part ways more peacefully in order to preserve their children’s and their own wellbeing. Chloe offers a free discovery call for new clients, so don’t hesitate to get in touch if you want to discuss your specific situation and challenges.
      Useful Links
      More by Chloe O.
      Starting your divorce with the right negotiation mindset
      What to avoid doing on social media during your divorce

      Other Links
      Can my ex stop me moving away with the children?
      Separated parents choosing schools
      How to support teenagers through divorce
      Blended families and step-parents – a beginners guide

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      How to support teenagers through divorce

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      It’s common to worry about how divorce or separation will affect your children, particularly teenagers. Adolescents are already experiencing a natural stage of transformation, so how does divorce affect teenage children?
      Reassuringly, when parents show unwavering love for their child and continue to work together to prioritise the wellbeing of their family, teenagers can adapt to their new family dynamic over time, and thrive.
      In this article, we share advice to help you support your teenage children through your divorce or separation.
      Navigating divorce or separation with teenage children
      Divorce is an unsettling time for any family, but with teenagers’ growing maturity and burgeoning independence, their experience of divorce is different when compared to younger children.
      Teenage independence
      One of the most significant aspects of managing divorce with teenagers is that unlike younger children, their relative maturity means they can form complex views and assert their wishes.
      This can make things challenging as divorcing parents. For example, it means you may see a wider range of emotions compared to younger children, your teenage child might draw conclusions that aren’t based on your family’s reality, and they’re likely to have friends whose parents have separated, which can influence what they expect will happen.
      Telling your teenage child you’re divorcing
      The way you approach conversations with teens about divorce can influence how they take the news and begin to process it.
      Some teenagers may recognise that their parents’ relationship has been under strain, while others may be oblivious. Either way, the news that you’re planning to divorce can still come as a total surprise.
      Here are some suggestions for discussing divorce with teens:

      Share the news together as parents to show you’re still united as parents
      Be honest and upfront
      But spare them unnecessary detail about their parents’ relationship struggles
      Choose a suitable time to discuss divorce, free of distraction
      Don’t leave it until the last minute to tell them or wait until significant changes happen
      Provide detailed information about how the divorce will affect their life
      Explain things in full so they don’t have to fill in the gaps themselves
      Pitch the conversation at the right level for them; don’t dumb down or over-complicate
      Be open to answering teens’ questions
      Prepare yourself for a more self-centered response than younger children
      Give teens space to process their feelings
      Avoid pushing them to talk before they’re ready
      Expect possible boundary testing but maintain consistent rules
      Maintain normalcy in your teens’ routine to provide stability
      If changes are necessary, like moving to a new home, transition gradually
      If a move requires changing schools, consider finishing the term or school year first
      Map out a plan for holidays and special occasions so they can prepare for changes
      Encourage your teen to express their emotions and offer them a safe space to do
      Be present with them as much as you can, to reinforce your ongoing support.

      Seeing separation from their perspective
      Taking the time to see things from your teenager’s perspective is important.
      Avoid second guessing how they feel and instead give them the space to tell you truthfully, even if it’s not what you expect to hear.
      Emotions can range between anger and blame, to feelings of guilt and grief, or even relief. Acknowledge and validate all their feelings.
      Reassure them it’s not their fault
      Children and young people often blame themselves when things go wrong. They might believe the separation wouldn’t have happened if they were different or that they could have prevented it by acting differently.
      Assure them it’s not their fault; children are never responsible for their parents’ divorce or separation.
      Tackle issues that affect them directly
      Divorce is likely to raise significant questions for your teenager like with whom, and where, they will live. Respond to these concerns in full to avoid doubt and unnecessary worry.
      Even if the future outcome is still unknown, let them know when a final decision is likely to be reached and be clear about what the interim plans are.
      Reassure your teenager that they will still see both parents regularly.
      Considering their wishes
      Depending on their age, you might want to discuss future living arrangements with your child, allowing them to choose who they live with. This can spare older teenagers from living between two homes, a common solution for younger families.
      However, be clear that your child will maintain regular contact with both parents.
      Make space for difficult conversations
      Children often experience conflicting emotions during their parents’ separation, and this can be difficult for all involved.
      They may take sides, feeling protective of one parent and angry with the other, or they may even hold themselves responsible.
      Avoid pressuring them to make sense of it all quickly, instead allow them the space to process their feelings at their own pace, with your support.
      Minimise confusion by addressing their concerns directly and fully, in an age-appropriate way.
      Remember, you’re the adult 
      With the best will in the world, you can’t anticipate exactly how your child will process the news of your divorce. Whichever way they react, try to stay non-judgemental and remember all feelings are valid – even if they’re different to yours.
      It’s easy to feel hurt or frustrated when met with insults or silence from your teenager, but it’s essential for parents to remain the grownups in the situation.
      This means refraining from expressing your own frustration or anger at their reaction, and instead maintaining open communication and offering reassurance and guidance.
      Additionally, as the parent, you are responsible for making the effort to remain engaged and connected to your teenagers during and after divorce. Even if they are less enthusiastic while they adjust, keep trying.
      How will divorce affect our teenage children? 
      In some cases, divorce can affect other aspects of a teenager’s life including education, relationships, and wellbeing. As parents, it’s important to be attuned to potential changes as your family transitions to your new normal.
      Divorce and separation are common. By cooperating with your coparent and continuing to put the needs of your children first, you can help your teen navigate all the challenges.
      Kids are resilient, right?
      We often hear how resilient and adaptable children are, and that can certainly be true.
      But while teenagers appear to be coping, deflection or avoidance can be a valid reaction in itself.
      They may not react to divorce in the same manner as young children and adult children of divorce, but teenagers’ emotional experience shouldn’t be overlooked.
      How to support your teenager through your divorce
      Despite the challenges, there are ways that parents can help their teenage children cope with divorce. Open communication, consistency, and maintaining a supportive and loving environment are key.
      However, managing divorce with teenage children requires empathy and patience, not always easy when you’re dealing with your own feelings about the split.
      With your support. parents can help their teenagers navigate the difficult transition and emerge strong on the other side.
      Other useful articles:
      How to support children through divorce
      6 tips for adult children of divorce
      Split decision: How to talk to your children about separation
      My ex and I can’t agree on our child’s school
      The rise in birdnesting after divorce More

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      What do you say to a friend whose marriage is ending?

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      Sometimes, when people admit that their marriage is unsustainable, for whatever reason, the reaction of family, friends, even strangers on the internet can be judgmental or pitying. However, what someone in this situation needs are words and actions of support and comfort, as well as professional and legal guidance.
      We are joined on the blog by Divorce Coach Rebecca Spittles, who explores her own experience of the initial stages of separation, and what to say to a friend whose marriage is ending.
      ‘“It’s a shame you couldn’t have just tried a bit harder…”
      Nothing hits harder when you have made the decision to leave. When will people understand that getting divorced is an absolute last resort?
      Contrary to popular belief, and in my experience both personally and professionally, no one actually wants to get divorced. Reaching the point of separation, especially when there are children in the mix, is the most gut wrenching, stomach turning, vomit-inducing feeling you could ever imagine if you’ve not been there.
      I don’t wish divorce on anyone. When I took my vows I took them for life, like my parents, my grandparents and all that surrounded me. I wanted that security and comfort that everyone seeks from marriage. Even simple things I was excited about, for example to have the same surname as my husband and then of my child. It was so, so important.
      Just imagine how it felt when I knew that no matter how hard I tried, the union I was in was not meant to be?
      My parents were amazing. On several occasions I came close to uttering the words separation and every time they would come up with some kind words and injected a bit more strength into me to keep going. Marriage isn’t easy.
      My sister was the best. Constantly encouraging me, being a sounding board but never once suggesting being apart was an option.
      The toughest part of my situation was that, in order for our relationship to be harmonious, one or both of us had to completely stifle their key personality traits. Not sustainable.
      Our opinions on every single little thing were different and it ended with one or both of us feeling sad or resentful or angry as there wasn’t space for compromise.
      Compromise. The word bandied around all the time when it comes to being in a relationship. What if compromise actually meant giving in? Taking on the view of the other person so that life could just about be normal? What if compromise was only one sided and the only way for the other person to ever be happy was to always do what they wanted?
      I made several huge changes. Gave up my brilliant job so I could be at home. Gave up financial independence and poured every penny into the joint account. I started asking to do things and to buy things and slowly I disappeared. But still there was no happiness.
      After 2 long years following the birth of our daughter I asked for a separation. The answer was ‘No’. Clearly, I ‘didn’t care about my marriage’. I did. I wanted it more than I have ever wanted anything in my life to work but I was empty. Nothing left.
      In the end, two days after New Years Eve, I left after a huge row (something I learned is never the best way to leave).
      I picked up our daughter and stepped out of the front door and I will always remember the feeling of this being ‘it’. We were completely over. I drove to my parents with a sleeping toddler, arrived and cried. I cried and cried.
      Eventually he moved out to his Mum’s temporarily so that I could come home with our daughter and work, and she could have contact with her Dad.
      I am writing this so that next time someone utters the words ‘I want to leave my husband/wife’ just listen. Ask why, not so you can tell her why they should stay but so that you can understand quite how far they have come to be able to say this out loud.
      If you’ve been through it, please, please offer comfort, what they don’t need is the gore of your breakup or divorce. There is plenty of time for that later!
      Share your emotion and empathise because you more than many truly know where they are at.
      Finally, for all of us sat with the friend who says their relationship is over, just help. They will be a wreck for a while to come, from being so strong to being a crying mess on the floor. An angry confused teenager-esque stage will rear its ugly head at some point along with bitterness and probably a fair bit of drunkenness.
      Just be there for them. They will come out the other side. They will never be the same again, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.’
      Rebecca Spittles is a Divorce Coach providing personalised emotional and practical support and coaching to help individuals navigate their divorce or separation.
       You can find out more about Rebecca on her website or via her LinkedIn. 
      Useful links
      My partner’s a good person but I’m not happy
      When ‘I do’ becomes ‘I don’t’: Navigating the path to divorce and what to do next
      What to do if you think your marriage is over

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      Stowe Talks How To: Part 2

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      Stowe Talks How To
      Our next instalment of our Stowe Talks How To videos are now freely available to watch.
      To recap, these videos are guides for some of the key aspects of the divorce process, so you can be taken through step-by-step accompanied by our expert lawyers.
      We know that divorce can be overwhelming and stressful at times, which is why we have produced these practical videos and accompanying guides for you to download for free.
      Videos
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      Guides
      The supporting guides can be found here.
      A full playlist of all the Stowe Talks How To videos can be found here.
      Other Useful Links
      Introducing Stowe Talks How To
      Stowe Support – a huge range of free resources (blogs, guides, podcasts etc) covering all matters family law including divorce, child arrangements, unmarried couples, finances, and much more besides. More

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      in Family Law

      Platonic Co-Parenting – Can I really have a baby with my friend?

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      In recent months, the idea of platonic co-parenting has gained traction. A recent article in The Guardian on the topic was written by a woman who, after much back and forth, decided to have a baby with her gay best friend. The friends were both happily single, but wanted a child and were concerned about the social and financial implications of raising a child as a single parent.
      Platonic co-parenting can take a variety of different forms and can be entered into for a whole host of different reasons. It can be between an opposite sex ‘couple’, same sex, or even as three parents where the couple are unable to have children so bring in a friend who not only can be a donor but can be present as another parental figure.
      In essence, platonic co-parenting is when a child is raised by two or more people who are not, and have not in the past been, in a romantic relationship (although there may be a romantically involved same-sex couple as part of a three+ parental group). The child might be conceived by treatments like IVF, intracervical insemination (ICI) or intrauterine insemination (IUI). The prospective parents may choose to go down the surrogacy route or adopt a child.
      What does platonic co-parenting look like?
      Platonic co-parenting looks different for every set of parents. The reasons behind platonic co-parenting are as varied as how it can look in practise, but some reasons might be:

      Two happily single individuals each want to have a baby,
      Financial constraints mean an individual cannot afford to be a single parent,
      A same-sex couple want to have a child with a donor and the donor wants a relationship with the child.

      With any number of reasons for wanting to platonically co-parent, how it can look practically is unique to the situation. However, by definition, platonic co-parenting means that each parent is involved in the upbringing of the child, whether they are biologically connected or not.
      Each set of parents will need to come to an agreement about how conception will work, and what the practicalities will be once the baby is born. For example, for the woman and her gay best friend mentioned above, they came to an agreement that they would try ICI first to get pregnant, and then IVF. They discussed finances and decided on a 50/50 split, potential baby names, the baby’s surname and where the child, and the parents, would live (for the first year the father would move in with the mother and baby).
      In some cases, there are more than two parents. The law only recognises two legal parents; however, platonic co-parenting opens up opportunities for more communal parenting responsibility.
      In some cases, a same-sex couple may ask a close friend to be a donor, or a surrogate mother, and this friend becomes part of the family. In other examples, a gay couple and a lesbian couple might ‘join forces’ to have a four-parent family.
      There are also matchmaking apps now that allow prospective parents to meet each other or meet sperm donors.
      Is it legal/How can I make it legal?
      Platonic co-parenting is entirely legal.
      Complications can arise with the difficulties in law around parental responsibility and each platonic co-parenting relationship will be unique. However, if a parent wants to have legal guardianship of a child, this must be registered.
      For example, if a heterosexual ‘couple’ have a child together, the father can be officially recognised as the child’s legal parent by being named on the birth certificate.
      The law only allows for two legal parents, so where a group of co-parents want to raise a child, only two can be recognised as such. The woman who carries the child will automatically be recognised as the child’s legal parent. However, the law allows for more than two people to have parental responsibility, for example as step-parents, or grandparents.
      For families where there are more than two parents, it is important to consider what other arrangements and agreements you may need to put in place to grant parental responsibility over the child. This can be done through a ‘parental responsibility agreement’.
      More legal information around platonic co-parenting can be found here.
      What are the benefits of platonic co-parenting?
      There are a variety of benefits of platonic co-parenting, and these do depend on your unique situation. However, here are a few:

      It allows happily single individuals to become parents without the pressure of solo parenting,
      Sperm donors can have a more active role in the child’s life,
      Potentially more people with parental responsibility – this can mean more support and love for the child,
      It is another way for the LGBTQIA+ community to become parents without requiring romantic relationships with the opposite sex.

      Are there any downsides?
      As with parenting generally, there can be conflict in co-parenting relationships, which is why it is important to discuss legal, social, environmental, and physical factors before embarking on the journey. These can be made into a Co-Parenting Agreement, more widely known as a Parenting Plan, which, whilst not legally binding, help define the expectations of each parent and what agreements have been made.
      Communication is key in all parenting and the more open and transparent you are with your other co-parents, the better. It is important to get all your thoughts out on the table and discuss what compromises may need to be reached.
      The law can be complicated in areas such as surrogacy, and fertility treatments, so you might need to seek legal advice around these matters, and around seeking parental responsibility.
      If disagreements do arise, mediation can often help resolve difficulties and help co-parents reach amicable solutions.
      Useful Links
      What is platonic co-parenting?
      Surrogacy and parental orders
      Travelling abroad with different surnames
      What is parental responsibility?

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      in Family Law

      How to manage the Cost-of-Christmas Crisis

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      It’s the most wonderful time of the year!
      But it’s also one of the most expensive.
      The Cost of Christmas Crisis, as it has been coined, is taking its toll again this year. Recent research from easymoney has revealed that people are cutting down on their Christmas spending this year, as the cost-of-living crisis has an ongoing impact. 59% of us are looking to make cuts this year, with 55% of respondents stating that whilst they usually have an extra savings pot put aside for Christmas, they have saved less than planned.
      Financial Planner Jodie Phelps has put together some top tips on how to manage your money in the Cost of Christmas Crisis when the purse strings are tighter than ever.

      Be aware of the potential for emotional spending during the holidays. Stay mindful of your emotions and instead of using retail therapy as a coping mechanism write a list of other things you enjoy doing so when you feel yourself about to spend do the other things on your list instead (eg. take a bath, go for a run, call a friend)
      BUT, recognise the emotional challenges that may arise during the holidays and prioritise self-care; allocate budget for activities that bring you joy and contribute to your well-being
      Develop a budget that reflects your changed financial circumstances and keep track of your spending
      Create a list of people you want to buy gifts for and allocate a specific amount for each person
      Consider creative and thoughtful gifts that don’t necessarily have to be expensive (eg. photo collages, scrap books, experiences). Remember, the holidays are about spending time with loved ones and creating meaningful memories, not just about the gifts.
      If you have a large family or friend group, consider setting limits on the amount spent on gifts or participating in a Secret Santa
      Plan your holiday meals in advance and create a shopping list. This can help you avoid last-minute, impulse food purchases/takeaways
      Be mindful of impulse purchases, especially when faced with holiday sales and promotions
      Look for discounts, compare prices, and consider using cashback or price-tracking tools to find the best deals
      After the holidays, review your spending and assess what worked well and what didn’t. Use this information to plan for the next holiday season.
      Make a note of your Christmas pay date when budgeting, as it’s usually earlier in December. Plan for the long stretch between Christmas pay day and January pay day
      Start saving a monthly amount for next Christmas so that next year you have money allocated for you to enjoy Christmas.

      You can find out more about Jodie on her LinkedIn.
      Relationship Tensions
      Financial tensions are a huge driver in divorce enquiries, and in a survey that we conducted, 60% of respondents said that the crisis was negatively affecting their relationship.
      If you do find that tensions around money build between you and your partner around this time of year, here are some suggestions on how to safeguard your relationship at Christmas. It’s important to remember that Christmas does not cause divorce and relationship breakdown. However, it can expose pre-existing issues, so getting to the root of the problem is very important.
      Stowe Solicitor Abi Jones has some top tips on reducing tensions around the festive season:

      Communicate – communication is central to healthy relationships and talking through your worries with your partner can help to alleviate pressure
      Lean on friends or family members outside of your relationship for support if needed
      Figure out where your priorities are, and if they are different to your partner’s
      If you have differing priorities, try to compromise and find where your middle ground lies
      Consider speaking to a financial planner or another professional – you can find our recommended partners in our Divorce Directory
      Try to focus on the positives, even if they seem insignificant. Small changes can make big differences over time
      Come up with interesting ways to celebrate this time of year together without the pressure of money
      Try to have some time together. Christmas can be a very busy time so spending time with each other is essential. It does not have to be big or expensive. It could be as simple as having a movie night together when the children are in bed.

      First Christmas After Separation
      Abi discusses how to manage your first Christmas after separation.
      It may be that this is your first Christmas after divorce or relationship breakdown. If this is the case, you may be more worried about money than you usually are as you may well have gone from a dual income household to single income. Not only this, but the routine and traditions of the day may also suddenly be different.

      Create experiences, rather than physical gifts
      Downsize your giving
      Use second-hand website such as Vinted or ebay
      Do Secret Santa instead of buying gifts for everyone
      Make home-made gifts
      Keep the celebrations small
      Don’t be tempted by payday loans, as this may cause more issues later on
      If you have young children, toy appeals may be available. Certain charities have toy appeals where individuals can donate toys which are then distributed between families
      Try not to compare your Christmas to others, either of your past or other people’s
      Manage the expectations of any children – let them know that change is normal but ensure they are informed of what changes, scheduling, what will be happening, where and when.

      Remember that Christmas is one day. There is a great deal of pressure for Christmas Day to be perfect, but it is just one day in the year.
      Think about how you want to spend your Christmas. Would you like to spend it with a friend, with family or even alone. This is an opportunity to make new traditions.
      Lastly, Christmas does not necessarily have to take place on 25th December. If this is the first year you do not have the children after going through a divorce or separation you can always pause your Christmas until the day after or have it before.
      Useful Links
      Financial Wellbeing with Jodie Phelps or watch on YouTube
      Surviving Christmas after Separation
      Child arrangements at Christmas
      Christmas alone with divorce and break-up coach Claire Macklin
      Budgeting solo during a cost-of-living crisis: Listen on Spotify or Watch on YouTube
      Supporting children through divorce: Listen on Spotify More