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    How do separated parents split Christmas?

    Christmas arrangements for separated parents can be complex as you navigate how to split Christmas so you can both see your children. The usual plans of Christmases past may no longer be an option, and there’s no blueprint for what the holidays should look like now, or how you make them fair.
    There’s a lot to consider. How will the children spend time with each parent? Do divorced parents spend Christmas together? And if not, how do coparents split Christmas?
    Before you make a decision
    The guiding principle of family law is that children’s well being comes first. Neither parent has more right to see their child at Christmas. The benefit of this is that you and your coparent are free to create a plan that’s centred on your children and their needs.
    How do separated parents split Christmas?
    Unless you continue to spend Christmas together, there will need to be some compromise about how you divide your time with your kids. Here are some common options.
    What are my options for splitting Christmas with my ex?
    So, how do you split Christmas when divorced? You and your ex can create a plan that best suits your exact situation, but it’s useful to have a starting point for discussions. Here are some examples:
    Option 1: Split Christmas in half
    Children get to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas morning with one parent, before swapping over to spend the rest of Christmas Day and Boxing Day with the other.
    Depending on when Christmas day lands you might try to align this with your children’s usual routine with each parent. Or you could agree to make an exception and then revert back to your usual routine after the festivities.
    Option 2: Take a week each
    Children get to spend the first week of the school holidays with one parent to celebrate Christmas, and the second week with the other parents over New Year.
    If school holidays stretch over 3 weeks, you could divide the key days and split the rest of the time equally between you.
    Option 3: Have two Christmases
    Children get to celebrate Christmas twice; once on Christmas Day with one parent, and once on a designated day before or after the 25th December with the other.
    While appealing as a solution, it doesn’t altogether remove the question of who gets to spend the real Christmas Day with the children.
    Each of these options can be alternated yearly, on rotation.
    It’s a useful test to ask yourself if you’d be happy with the plans you’re proposing.
    Spending Christmas day with your ex
    Spending Christmas Day together with your children and your ex, is a great option if you’re on good terms and means you don’t have to divide the day up.
    For separated couples who remain friends, Christmas can be a good opportunity to show that you’re still united as parents.
    Before you make the decision, ask yourself if it will create a healthy dynamic on the day for your children and consider whether it risks confusing matters.
    If you and your ex live far apart
    If you and your ex live far apart, splitting Christmas in half would mean your children spending a proportion of their Christmas Day travelling. Be sure your plan is genuinely prioritising them.
    Avoiding Christmas alone
    Celebrating Christmas alone isn’t for everyone, so try to ensure that your plan allows enough time for you or your ex to travel to stay with family or friends whilst not with your children.
    How about new partners?
    Handling Christmas with a blended family comes with additional challenges. There may be differing opinions about whether the children should spend Christmas with a parent and their new partner.
    It’s understandable that this situation can stir strong emotions; after all the new partner may get to spend Christmas Day with your children, when you don’t.
    However hard it is, prioritising the children’s needs is crucial. It’s wise to approach things as you’d want them to be approached.
    Introducing a new partner to children at Christmas isn’t ideal, so collaborating on how and when to introduce any new partners to the children is also essential.
    Seeing the wider family
    Christmas is often a time for seeing loved ones, such as Grandparents. Try to arrange time for your children to see your wider family during the time they spend with you.
    Should separated parents buy joint gifts for their children?
    Splitting costs and continuing to buy your children presents ‘from Mum and Dad’ can send a message that they remain central in your lives even though you’re no longer together.
    Joint present giving is an especially good idea if you will be spending Christmas day altogether. It also helps to avoid competitive gift giving or one parent trying to win favour with lavish presents.
    Agree an overall budget that’s manageable for you both, and the gifts you plan to buy each child. You can also divide the task of buying gifts so that things are equal.
    There is the risk that one parent also buys a separate gift ‘just from them’ so be clear about whether this is part of your agreement or not.
    Put the plan in writing
    Once you and your coparent have reached an agreement, it is a good idea to write it down and send to the other parents via message or email. That way if there are any issues, and misunderstandings, they can be resolved before Christmas.
    Stick to the plan
    It’s vital that you stick to the Christmas arrangements made so that everyone knows what to expect, including the children. This will encourage ongoing cooperation for future Christmases and special occasions.
    Strained relations
    You and your ex have been through a lot. It’s understandable that discussions might be difficult, especially if you’re not on good terms or your partner isn’t concerned with keeping things fair.
    Remember, you can’t control how your former-partner reacts, you can only control your own words and actions.
    During negotiations, communicate with your coparent in person where possible, or speak on a video call or over the phone, where discussions are less likely to be misinterpreted.
    What if we can’t reach an agreement about Christmas?
    If you reach a stalemate making plans for Christmas with your ex, you can take advice from a family lawyer or family mediator who can help you try to find some common ground.
    As a last resort when cooperation is just not possible, you can seek a decision from the family court via a court order called a specific issues order with the help of a specialist family lawyer.
    Splitting Christmas after divorce
    Dealing with Christmas after separation is difficult. Successfully setting aside your differences and reaching an agreement with your ex on how best to guide your family through the celebrations is something you should be proud of.
    Equally, things might not be perfect. And that’s okay too. With ongoing collaboration between you and your ex-partner, you can learn and adjust.
    Get in touch
    If you and your ex-partner can’t agree on how to split time with your children over Christmas, you can contact out family law team to discuss your options.
    Useful links
    Making arrangements for children this Christmas
    Surviving your first Christmas after separation
    Surviving Christmas after separation
    Stowe talks – dealing with conflict about Christmas More

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    My ex and I can’t agree on our child’s school

    What happens when separated parents can’t agree on schools?
    Now the autumn term is underway, the admissions window for school placements next September is now open. It’s a big decision for all parents and their children, but for separated parents it can become even more complicated – especially if they do not agree. For some, it can cause considerable tension between ex-partners, particularly as there is a finite deadline.
    Does my ex have the right to choose our child’s school even if I have primary care responsibilities?
    Choosing a school or changing a school can be approached as a standalone issue, regardless of who has primary care responsibilities.
    If your ex has parental responsibility, they have a duty and obligation as well as the right to decide how your child(ren) is educated. Unless there are exceptional circumstances, it is likely that your ex still has parental responsibility and therefore has a voice in the decision of your child’s school.
    Even if both parents have the child’s best interests at heart, this can still mean that they struggle to agree on the right school. A huge number of factors are involved in this decision and ultimately the well-being and education of the child(ren) should be central to the decision.
    Choosing the right school
    When going through a divorce or separation, children can often be caught in the middle of parental disputes.
    Supporting children through divorce can be difficult for parents as they may be experiencing turbulent emotions, however, divorce can have long-lasting impacts on a child’s emotional and mental health, no matter their age.
    Schools are a safe space for children to cope with the difficulties going on at home. They provide routine, structure and community so choosing the right one is very important.
    When considering changing school, and approaching an application, the practicalities of this change should be considered. For example, how the child(ren) will get to and from school, the academic credentials of the institution, and pastoral factors. The emotional and well-being aspect for the child must be central.
    If you can’t agree on your child’s school
    If you and your ex find that you can’t agree on a school, there are some steps you can take before involving the court.
    Having an open and honest conversation with your ex-partner, or anyone who shares parental responsibility is very important. You may find that there is some common ground.
    If you are having difficulties broaching the conversation with your ex, seeking out some professional support, for example from a mediator or even a divorce coach can help.
    Should these methods not work, and you find yourselves still disagreeing, then the matter can be referred to the court through a Specific Issue Order application. The court will consider the position of each parent and order where the child should go to school.
    You can also apply for a Specific Issue Order if you are not the child’s biological parent, but you have parental responsibility. For example, this can apply if you are the child’s legal guardian, or who the child lives with under the Child Arrangements Order.
    The court will be guided specifically by the welfare checklist which is laid out in s1(3) of the Children Act 1989.
    They will ensure the welfare of the child is the primary concern in decision making. This includes the wishes and feelings of the child, depending on their age and understanding, as well as their physical, emotional, and educational needs.
    The court will also consider what the impact of a change of school is likely to have on the child.
    Help with reaching a decision about schools
    For separating and divorcing parents, where their child/children should live and go to school is of the utmost importance. Should you find yourself at a deadlock with your ex-spouse over schooling, there are steps that can be taken, and professional support can be sought out.
    With applications for schools and changing schools now open, these next few weeks could be key decision-making time. There is guidance available to help ensure that your child’s welfare remains paramount, and their educational needs are met, particularly during a time of change in the home.
    Useful Links:
    Webinar: Will divorce damage my children?
    Making child arrangements
    Webinar: Supporting children through divorce
    Child arrangements order
    Effects of divorce on children More