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    The impact of the menopause on relationships

    As our understanding about the physical, mental and emotional symptoms of the menopause and the impact on women during this time grows, the connection between the menopause and the break down of relationships becomes clearer.
    The number of UK women in the peri-menopausal or menopausal stages at any given time is estimated to be well over 3 million, a significant proportion of the population. Yet, it’s accepted that support for the multitude of physical symptoms and the considerable mental impact, and a true understanding of the menopause, is still woefully lacking.
    In a Stowe study on the impact of the menopause on marriage and relationships 76% of women felt their partner didn’t have the knowledge or resources to support them through the menopause properly.
    Furthermore, 68% of divorces involving women at this time of life were initiated by wives.
    Menopause and divorce
    Menopause is frequently cited as a reason for marriages breaking down. Rachel Roberts, Yorkshire Regional Director of Stowe Family Law, explained “We are noticing a significant increase in women in their 40s and 50s filing for divorce, citing issues caused by perimenopause as one of the reasons for their marital breakdown.”
    Our study findings supported this view, with 65% of women stating that their perimenopausal or menopausal symptoms affected their marriage/relationship.
    Loss of physical intimacy
    A reduced sex drive is a common symptom of the perimenopause or menopause. The women we spoke to listed loss of physical intimacy as the area of their relationship most impacted by the menopause. 50% of women worried that a lack of sex would lead to your relationship ending.
    Top 5 areas of a relationship most affected by the menopause:

    We lost physical intimacy
    They didn’t understand what I was going through
    We argued
    We stopped communicating
    Grew apart or fell out of love

    Mental Health
    The menopause leads to a huge amount of change, both physically and emotionally, and managing the impact on mental well-being can be difficult. Common signs include anxiety, depression, problems with memory and concentration, reduced confidence, and low mood. As the symptoms can last for some time and often begin well before the cause is identified, the impact on relationships can be gradual, and difficult to define.
    Ours study showed that 77% of women felt that per perimenopausal or menopausal symptoms affected their mental health.
    Menopause Awareness
    Perimenopause and menopause can be an incredibly over-whelming time. While society has moved on from the over-simplifying term ‘The Change’ and recognised that symptoms go way beyond hot flushes, a greater understanding and improved support is still needed.
    47% of women felt that if NHS support during the menopause was better it could have prevented their relationship from ending.
    When asked what they thought could help them and their partner most during the menopause, our study found that greater awareness, more understanding, and better support, were vital.
    Top 3 ways to help couples deal with the menopause:

    Greater awareness of the symptoms
    Better understanding from your partner
    Better support from GPs

    The impact on relationships
    Perimenopause and the menopause can be a particularly challenging time for couples and both partners can feel confused and concerned as they navigate the respective changes. Inevitably, it can highlight existing struggles, further damaging the connection between couples.
    Based on our study, it’s clear that a better understanding of the menopause and how it impacts women’s lives, and open communication between partners, can significantly help couples.
    Useful links:
    www.nhs.uk/conditions/menopause/
    www.menopausematters.co.uk/
    www.postcardsfrommidlife.com/
    The Break Up Club – Dealing with divorce during peri/menopause Webinar More

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    4 Types Of Toxic Relationship & Their Warning Signs

    Toxic relationships are difficult to define. As no two relationships are the same, there’s no one set of symptoms that clearly define an unhealthy relationship. However, the difference between a healthy relationship and an unhealthy one is often how it makes you feel. Luisa Williams from My Family Psychologist explains more.
    The negative impact of a toxic relationship is significant, affecting both physical and mental health. While healthy relationships have a foundation of trust, independence and respect for each other, unhealthy relationships often lead to feelings of low self-worth, a lack of agency, as well as feeling helpless, fearful, anxious, and often paranoid.
    The term ‘toxic’ doesn’t only refer to romantic relationships. It can apply to any kind of connection you make with another. An unhealthy relationship with a friend, a family member, or a co-worker, can be equally damaging to your well-being, but the most common signs that these relationships are toxic may vary.
    The signs that a relationship is toxic can accumulate over time and often the boundaries are blurred making it difficult for some to identify. However, if you’re drained by your relationship and your partnership isn’t equal, you might be in a toxic relationship. Signs that your relationship may be toxic:
    Toxic relationship: Friend

    They cross your boundaries

    If you have a toxic relationship with a friend, they might constantly do things that upset you or make you feel uncomfortable. Whenever you try to bring them up and set a firm boundary, they might become defensive or make you feel bad for wanting space. If they apologise, the apology rarely sounds sincere.

    They never listen to your problems

    While they might frequently come to you for advice, they don’t devote equal attention to listening to your problems. Whenever you need them, they appear busy, and every conversation tends to be about them.

    They can’t be happy for you

    Instead of celebrating your victories, they see you as competition. Your every achievement reminds them of their own shortcomings and means they feel they’re being left behind.

    They’re judgmental

    Instead of offering you mental support, they frequently judge your choices and make you feel bad for making them.

    You feel drained

    If the friendship feels suffocating and one-sided, chances are it really is. When your friend isn’t there for you when you need them, you end up feeling lonely and unsupported.
    Toxic Relationship: Family

    They compare you to other people

    No matter what you do, your family member is never satisfied. Somehow, you are never good enough while other people can do no wrong. If you have siblings, you’re often being compared even if you’re completely different people.

    They’re always right

    They always think they know better and treat you like you’re incapable of making your own decisions.

    They dismiss your feelings

    Rather than being empathetic, they’ll often simply tell you that other people have it worse or that you should be grateful for what you have. You aren’t allowed to feel unhappy and express any negative emotions.

    They pick on you

    They frequently make personal or critical comments about you. They might give you backhanded compliments, for example, “You look so pretty with makeup on, you should wear it more often” or “Are you sure you want to eat that?”.
    Toxic Relationship: Coworker

    They act superior

    A toxic co-worker might act like their role is more important than yours. Even though you might have the same duties, they feel superior and enjoy telling you what to do. Nothing is ever their fault, and they think they’re always right.

    They gossip

    They might frequently talk behind people’s backs, enjoy spreading doubt and deliberately turn colleagues against each other.

    They can’t work as a part of a team

    They struggle to cooperate because they want to look better than everyone else.

    They complain a lot

    More than venting about the odd bad day at work, toxic co-workers are never satisfied. They will regularly talk about how much they hate their job and feel every piece of constructive feedback is a personal attack. It becomes draining and can quickly causes discontent to spread.
    Toxic Relationship: Romantic Partner

    They have issues they aren’t willing to work on

    The key to a healthy relationship is mutual respect and growth. If your partner isn’t willing to work on themselves, they aren’t able to fully commit to the relationship. For example, your partner might have anger issues and throw things when you’re having an argument. They might not be abusive towards you but make you feel uneasy and unsupported.

    They can’t, or won’t, communicate

    Instead of talking things through openly and honestly, a toxic partner might disguise their feelings by giving you the silent treatment, lying, or becoming passive-aggressive. These manipulative tactics allow toxic partners to express their resentment or disappointment, while denying your opportunity to respond or express your feelings. This can leave you feeling misunderstood and isolated.

    Controlling behaviours

    Toxic partners often assert control over others using a range of behaviours including humiliation, intimidation, threats, and violence. They may isolate you from your friends and family, seek to control your finances, and monitor your time and whereabouts. This pattern of behaviour is often subtle and gradual, becoming apparent all of a sudden.

    The effort isn’t equal

    Your partner is emotionally detached and disinterested, unwilling to invest any effort or time into your relationship. They are always the priority. You’re always the one initiating plans, and the one who always texts or calls first. You feel you have to work hard just to sustain your partner’s attention, but your efforts never pay off.
    If you have recognise any of these behaviours or you have concerns about a relationship, it’s a good idea to seek help by speak to an experienced professional.
    If you need help and support understanding a toxic relationship you can contact My Family Psychologist, who offer specialised counselling services for adults, couples, and children as well as mediation services.
    Family Law Advice
    If you are in an toxic relationship and would like advice on your legal situation, please do contact our Client Care Team to speak to one of our specialist lawyers.
    Other Helpful Contacts
    National Domestic Violence Helpline – 0808 2000 247
    The Men’s Advice Line, for male domestic abuse survivors – 0808 801 0327
    The Mix, free information and support for under 25s in the UK – 0808 808 4994
    National LGBT+ Domestic Abuse Helpline – 0800 999 5428
    Samaritans (24/7 service) – 116 123 More

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    How to prepare for meeting your divorce lawyer

    Understandably, your first meeting with your divorce lawyer can feel daunting and is likely to be emotionally charged. Whether you’re going through divorce for the first time, or you’ve been through divorce before, it is a life-altering experience.
    Thankfully we understand what you’re going though. It’s our job is to listen to you, to share our professional advice – tailored to your exact circumstances, and to guide you through the process of divorce step by step.
    To get the most from your initial consultation with your lawyer, and to ensure that you receive the most beneficial advice, here are our top tips to help you get ready for that meeting:

    Think about the outcome you want

    We focus on working together with you to reach your desired outcome and settlement. So, it’s useful to consider what outcome you’d like to achieve. Consider whether there is a workable solution that we can help you to realise, or if there are any areas that you anticipate will be a particular challenge.
    At Stowe, we have a team of people that really understand family law so you can be sure that you’ll have the right team of people by your side, whatever you decide.

    Come prepared

    It is always helpful if clients know as much as possible about the details of their finances. It’s also useful if you know the same information about your ex-partner and their financial circumstances.
    Where appropriate, during the first appointment we will discuss the value of your family home, any mortgages, and the details and value of any assets and liabilities (debts) you and your partner have.
    While it’s not necessary to provide exact details, or any documents, at this early stage, it is a good idea to do some preparation so that you have a good overview of yours and your ex-partner’s circumstances.

    Bring your questions

    We understand that this can be a time of uncertainty and can raise a host of questions, some of which you won’t have considered before you meet your lawyer. We’re here to guide you through the process, so don’t be afraid to ask us anything. There is no question too big or too small. If there is anything that you don’t understand, or legal jargon that you’d like explaining, always ask your lawyer.
    Our goal is to help you move forward in life. We will take the strain for you and be by your side throughout to answer questions so that you can move on from a position of renewed strength.

    Make sure it is a convenient time

    Seeking legal advice about your family matters is always beneficial, whether it’s divorce, child law, financial matters or any other family law concerns. By it’s nature it does involve sharing personal and sometimes sensitive information in order to inform your lawyer and get the best possible outcome. The initial consultation is an information gathering and option exploring exercise so it is essential that you are comfortable and, in an environment where you can speak freely.
    Ensuring you have the privacy to speak openly is key, so if you need to rearrange your initial meeting for a more convenient time, just let your lawyer know.
    FAQs
    Q. Can I ask a friend, or member of my family, to be with me?
    A. Yes, of course. A trusted friend or family member can join calls or attend meetings with you.
    Q.What happens after our meeting?
     A. As each case is unique the next steps are always tailored to your individual circumstances and will be discussed during your meeting as well as any questions that you have.
    As a client you can choose to go away and consider everything that has been discussed, or instruct your solicitor then and there, it is entirely up to you. There is no pressure at all to make any decisions.
    You’ll receive a follow up email after your meeting so that you have our contact details to hand should you need us further.
    Q. How long does an initial consultation typically take?
     A. The length of the initial meeting depends on a number of factors but typically takes around 30 minutes.
    Further reading:
    Your first meeting with a divorce lawyer
    Meeting A Divorce Solicitor For The First Time
    Get in touch
    If you would like any advice on on divorce, or other family law issues, you can read further articles or contact our Client Care Team to arrange your initial meeting with one of our divorce lawyers.  More

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    5 Reasons a Nuptial Agreement may be right for you

    Nuptial Agreements are made ether before or during a marriage or civil partnership and set out how a couple’s assets and property would be split should they divorce or legally separate. Here Vicki Rawlins, Partner at our Winchester office, explains Nuptial Agreements in more detail and shares the reasons why married couples should consider getting one.

    Timing

    Whilst most people have heard of a Pre-Nuptial Agreement, fewer people have heard of a Post-Nuptial Agreement. Both Agreements are similar in content and share the aim to resolve financial and practical difficulties in the event of a future separation as amicable and straightforward as possible.
    Pre-Nuptial Agreements are completed before the wedding and there is clear guidance as to the desired time between the Agreement being finalised and the wedding taking place.
    Post-Nuptial Agreements can take place at any time after the wedding and prior to any separation.
    Timing is therefore a factor to be considered to determine which Nuptial Agreement would be preferable, but one can be completed either during the engagement or marriage.

    Protection

    A Nuptial Agreement is designed to determine how the couple will deal with and separate their finances in the event of a separation and / or a divorce or dissolution.
    Traditionally the Nuptial Agreement will set out how the couple wish to separate assets that one or both have brought with them to the marriage. This could for example relate to property, investments, or business interests. Consideration can however also be given to future assets that may be received or obtained during the marriage, either individually or as a couple. Examples of these could relate to an inherited gift or a property purchased together as a couple.
    Whatever terms the couple agree will form the starting point for division of assets if they do go on to separate. Whilst nothing can prevent one spouse from trying to override the terms of the Agreement, the terms of the Nuptial Agreement must then be considered, and the focus will be on that spouse to persuade the court that the terms should be changed.
    In general terms provided certain guidance has been followed by the couple when the Agreement is reached, and the terms agreed are not fundamentally unfair to one spouse, the court will seek to follow the Nuptial Agreement wherever possible. This therefore gives the couple the best available protection in the event of a separation.

    Collaboration

    As a Nuptial Agreement will be completed when the couple are still in a relationship, it makes it much easier to focus on the practical and financial issues to be considered. Trying to resolve such matters after a separation is made much more difficult due to the emotions that both will be experiencing alongside likely major lifestyle changes such as a change of home. This is even more so if the separation has not been a mutual decision made by both spouses.
    Choosing to consider and agree these issues in advance, taking the couples’ specific aims and priorities into account, greatly increases the prospects of reaching a fair and amicable agreement.

    Flexibility

    Terms are agreed between the couple and can be as wide or as narrow as they see fit. The Nuptial Agreement could simply deal with just one asset or could set out how the couple wish to divide all assets and income should they later separate. It is an adaptable document which will be tailored to the couples’ needs.
    Whilst it is possible to include in a Nuptial Agreement how they wish to deal with possible future events, no-one can see into the future. Something may happen which the couple had not envisaged, or they may feel differently about an event when it does then happen.
    Nuptial Agreements are flexible as they can be updated as and when the need arises, provided the couple can agree such amendments. It is common for Nuptial Agreements to include provision for review and possible updates at specific intervals, for example every 3-5 years, or upon certain events happening such as having a child. Ultimately whether such terms are included will be the couples’ decision and will form part of the negotiations.

    Savings

    Nuptial Agreements will ordinarily save the couple time, money, and stress.
    If a couple separate without having had a Nuptial Agreement, negotiations will then be necessary. Various factors can make this a very difficult process. In those cases, the only option may be to begin contested court proceedings.
    In those circumstances the matter is unlikely to be resolved for at least 1-2 years, during which time the couple’s lives will often be in limbo. The costs of such negotiations, and especially court proceedings, will generally be much more expensive than the costs of a Nuptial Agreement. Finally, the emotional impact and stress that this will have on the couple is far greater than the alternative.
    Nuptial Agreements are growing in the UK and can be viewed as an option for consideration akin to financial planning advice.  Specific legal advice should be sought to consider the couples’ individual needs and priorities before entering into a Nuptial Agreement.
    Get in touch 
    If you would like any advice on Nuptial Agreements or other family law issues, please contact our Client Care Team to speak to one of our specialist divorce lawyers here.  More

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    When a narcissist meets an echoist…

    We have all heard of the narcissist. In fact, I have written an article recently on how to identify if you are married to one on this blog.
    Throughout my years advising clients I have encountered many cases where the narcissist behaviours of one party have dominated the whole relationship leading to an unhappy and unhealthy marriage.
    But what of the people married or in a relationship with a narcissist? It’s time to meet the echoist; not an officially recognised condition but a term that was popularised in the 2016 book Rethinking Narcissism by Craig Malkin and is gaining momentum.
    Now, I shall start with the caveat that not all echoists are in relationships with narcissists. That would be too simplistic. However, the two personality types are intrinsically linked.
    What is an echoist?
    In a nutshell, an echoist is the opposite of a narcissist. Consider the following statements:

    Narcissist: Look at what you did wrong? The narcissist copes by blaming everyone else.Echoist: What did I do wrong? The echoist copes by blaming themselves.

    An echoist is someone who puts everyone else’s needs and feelings first and at the expense of their own. People pleasers, they cannot bear praise and hate being the centre of attention. They don’t like to talk about themselves but are great listeners. They blame themselves when things go wrong regardless of where the fault lies.
    All in all, a perfect mix for a narcissist who will seek out (consciously or subconsciously) people that verify their importance and allow them to dominate with minimal return required. A narcissist may often arrive on the scene as the rescuer, but this never plays out to be the case.
    However, an echoist is not a doormat. Smart, intelligent, kind and warm-hearted people, they are often more emotionally sensitive and aware than others. They are the ones that always pick up on a bad atmosphere in the room or an underlying argument.
    Many people root the development of echoist behaviours forming in childhood with a dominating narcissist parent or family member creating a learnt behaviour that they must repress their own feelings to be loved; that they must give everything and accept very little back. Imagine a parent that erupts over the smallest of things and it is never their fault. In the end, you would learn to anticipate the situation and change your behaviour to avoid it.
    Echoists and relationships
    An echoist can easily get stuck in an unhealthy relationship where they feel unworthy, unlovable and everything is their fault. This can quickly cause anxiety, depression and loss of hope as they struggle with connection and expressing their needs.
    They can easily lose their voice, their sense of self. I have seen many clients at the start of the divorce process that try to take up as little space in the world as possible, ask for as little as possible and put themselves at a very long line of other people.
    But it can change, and I have seen the results myself.
    New beginnings
    Before I turn to what can be done I would like to express that if you are in an abusive relationship you must seek help immediately. I have detailed some useful links at the end of the article.
    Counselling can certainly help here. An echoist needs to start to understand feelings and feel them – not fear them. Emotions such as anger and resentment are all perfectly normal emotions. By accepting them, you learn to voice them and start to develop more equal relationships where you can say you are not happy and ask for things.
    An echoist also needs to learn to question situations and break the default that it is all their fault, or they are too sensitive. Ask yourself what am I getting from this relationship? Why is it making me feel sad or lonely? Healthy relationships create a space for vulnerability.
    You can unlearn bad habits with professional support, time and the desire to break the old relationship patterns to get your voice back.
    If you are affected by anything in this article the following websites are useful resources:
    RelateWoman’s aidThe Echo Society More