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      in Relationships

      Attachment trauma: Why can’t I have real love?

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      Louisa Hope, from Therapy Knutsford, joins us to share insight into attachment trauma and how it can manifest in our relationships, as part of our Stowe Guests series.
      As children it is our birth right to feel safe, protected, loved and nurtured, all of which support the development of secure and loving attachments. However, if these needs are not met, we can experience trauma which can have long-lasting effects on our emotional well being and the ability to build healthy relationships.
      What is attachment trauma?
      Attachment trauma can occur in childhood if a caregiver repeatedly gives confusing boundaries, withholds support, is neglectful or abusive. This kind of trauma can be very debilitating, diminishing our self-worth and affecting how we relate to love and connections later in life. Childhood wounding can run deep and even though as adults we may be able to rationalise our childhood experiences, we can hold onto beliefs on a deep core level that we adopted as a young child; “I’m not enough”, “I can’t have real love”, and “I’m not worthy”.
      Attachment styles
      Attachment trauma impacts our attachment style as adults. Instead of creating secure attachments we can become insecure when in love, needing reassurance, close proximity and constant validation. This anxious attachment style may in turn cause anxiety to increase the deeper we fall in love, with the potential to create a state of hypervigilance.
      Alternatively, those who have experienced attachment trauma can develop an avoidant attachment style where they pull away from a partner when the relationship becomes too intimate or loving.
      The early subconscious beliefs we carry within can remind us to keep our distance or cling on tight, and we require our partners to cater for these needs from historical wounding. Oftentimes we develop push-pull relationships where we use protest behaviour to get our needs met, causing the connection to become needy or distant, toxic and painful.
      People pleasing
      Trauma often goes hand in hand with poor boundary setting. We first learn how to create safe boundaries from our parents, but if these boundaries were violated or interchangeable, we may not know how to say no when something does not feel right, and we become ‘People Pleasers’.
      As a result of this, we often learn to over-compensate for a lack of love and validation which can affect our own ability to create safe and loving connection. This overly accommodating behaviour is alluring to the narcissist, and other types of abusers. We often find a deep need to fill the void of love and validation created by trauma, leading us into relationships that will perpetuate old familiar patterns, reaffirming our already brittle view of relationships.
      The benefits of healing
      Healing attachment trauma is a phenomenally powerful way of restoring our ability to give and receive love safely, and experience authentic lasting connections.
      When we heal childhood trauma we can also heal the associated attachment wounding, empowering us to move away from anxious or avoidant styles, and rebalancing towards a more secure form of attachment. This has huge benefits, such as:

      Increasing the joy we can experience in relationships
      Improving our physiology as the expectation of more trauma subsides
      Allowing our nervous systems to return to their parasympathetic state.

      These benefits in turn have huge impact on our health as we are no longer on alert when in love and can relax into the arms of our loved ones and really feel deep, meaningful, secure love.
      Moving forward
      We know so much more about the way the subconscious mind works and how to harness its power to heal and reverse old limiting beliefs.
      With support, those who have experienced attachment trauma can heal. Recognising your attachment style and it’s causes will help you build your relationships, set clear boundaries and improve your life.
      Get in touch
      Contact Louisa Hope at Therapy Knutsford for a free, confidential discovery call on 07510 714447 or visit therapyknutsford.com or email: therapyknutsford@gmail.com
      All sessions include follow-up support. More

    • 88 Shares169 Views

      in Relationships

      Time to talk: Communicating with your partner

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      Communicating with your partner
      Good communication is the foundation of a good relationship. Without it, resentment, fear or distrust can build up, and there’s nothing like this trio to cause relationship problems. 
      So it is no surprise when Relate, the UK’s largest provider of relationship support, reports that many couples seeking counselling from them say that communication breakdown is one of the main reasons.
      To understand how better to communicate with your partner, Luisa Williams, CEO & Founder of My Family Psychologist, joins us to explain the four key communication styles and why understanding them is important in forming and maintaining all relationships.  
      Communication is an important aspect of life that can impact how we form and maintain relationships.  
      Having a good understanding of our communication style can help develop self-awareness and identify our areas of improvement and strengths, resulting in strengthening our relationships, reducing conflicting situations, and expressing our needs.  
      Communication styles are influenced by external factors that are then internalised. These styles are not fixed but transition and adapt to the scenarios we face.  
      There are four main communication styles:

      Assertive

      Passive

      Passive-aggressive 

      Aggressive  

       Assertive communication 
      The assertive communication style is a widely accepted style that is considered an effective communication style.  
      It is focused on the needs of the communicator and those with who they are communicating.  
      Theses communicators value their time, rights, needs and themselves- as well as others.  
      They are driven by their desires and needs as well as respecting others desires and needs.  
      They are straightforward and direct in expressing their opinions, advocate for their rights and someone who states facts (without labels or judgments). They are fair, honest, open to criticism or bargaining whilst ensuring others understand and interpret the situation at hand in a realistic manner.  
      Others will feel that they can trust the assertive communicator at their word, that they know where they stand, that they have been listened to, considered, and respected. 
       In summary, the assertive communication style consists of: 

      Direct communication 

      Appropriate honest 

      Advocates for oneself 

      Utilised “I” statements  

      Listens and does not interrupt  

      Express emotions  

      Passive communication 
      This style of communication focuses on the needs of others rather than the needs of their own.  
      They are driven by the desire and belief to please others and avoid conflict. 
      They typically are indirect about their thoughts or feelings and will submit to other desires.  
      They struggle to take responsibility for decisions, have no opinion, agree to others without question, talk softly, do not express their feelings, and avoid conflict or confrontation.  
      Others may view a passive communicator as frustrating, confused about their needs, and some may advantage of the individual.  
      In summary, a passive communication style consists of: 

      Indirect communication 

      Denies personal needs  

      Apologies for emotions  

      Defers to other opinions  

      Minimises one’s experience  

      Prioritises other emotions  

      Passive-aggressive  style of communication 
      People who communicate in a passive-aggressive style may appear passive on the surface but can act out their needs in an indirect way.  
      They are driven by beliefs such as “I’ll please you, but I will get back at you”. 
      They have difficulties expressing and acknowledging their anger, resulting in feeling trapped, unable to confront conflict or their needs.  
      They often sabotage themselves due to unclear intentions, and their expressions do not match their emotions.  
      Passive-aggressive communicators may be sarcastic, ‘two-faced’, spread rumours, give silent treatments, talk about others behind their backs rather than confronting others and indirectly aggressive.  
      Others may feel they are frequently left feeling confused, angry, hurt, or resentful.  
      In summary, the passive-aggressive communication style consists of: 

      Indirect communication   

      Denies difficult emotions  

      Indirectly expresses anger  

      Backhanded compliments  

      Denies there is a problem  

      Feigns cooperation 

       Aggressive communication 
      They focus on their own needs and disregard the needs of others.  
      They are driven by beliefs such as “I’m right, and you are wrong”,, and “I’ll get what I want no matter what.” 
      They come across as bossy, condescending and threatening.  
      They often are close-minded, interrupt or speak over others, put others down, use threats and are not effective listeners.  
      Others may feel defensive, humiliated, hurt, afraid, disrespected, and can resort to fighting back, being resistant or defiant.   
      In summary, an aggressive communication style consists of: 

      Inappropriately honest  

      Dominate others 

      Does not listen  

      Critics or blames others 

      Low frustration tolerance  

      Only uses “you” statements  

      How understanding your style can help when communicating with your partner
      Understanding the styles of communication is just beginning. Now,  it’s time to take that learning and develop self-awareness by exploring and understanding your style of communication,  your behavioural tendencies and personal needs. 
      Whatever your goals relate to your relationships, family, work, finances, you need to learn to communicate effectively to achieve them.  
      This does not mean talking the loudest, getting the last word in or pretending everything is fine. Powerful communication comes from understanding your needs and learning how to express them clearly — while also valuing the messages you receive from others.
      Starting to practice better communication today will help you build your relationships, set clear boundaries and improve your life. 
      Get in touch 
      If you need some advice on communicating with your partner, please contact My Family Psychologist. 
      We offer specialised counselling services for adults, couples and children, as well as mediation services. Get in touch and see how we can support you when you are going through a difficult time. 
      Visit the My Family Psychologist website here.
      Family law advice 
      For any family law advice please  contact our Client Care Team to speak to one of our specialist lawyers here
      References 
      https://soulsalt.com/communication-style/  
      https://learn.g2.com/communication-styles More

    • 113 Shares149 Views

      in Children

      How does conflict during separation and divorce affect children?

      by

      The effect of conflict during separation and divorce on children 
      Luisa Williams, CEO & Founder from My Family Psychologist joins us on the blog with her advice on how does conflict during separation and divorce affect children? 
      Imagine that you are about to go on the world’s scariest rollercoaster ride. 
      You didn’t want to go on it at first, but you have been told by others that not going on this rollercoaster would be the wrong decision. 
      You have been arguing with your partner for the past six months about it and having a constant push and pull. 
      You have to decide whether this is a rollercoaster you want to experience, whether you can afford to go on this ride and what you want to achieve. 
      Then, if you decide that you have to ride it, so does everybody you care about, even if they don’t want to.  
      Now, imagine that your child or children have witnessed all of your arguments about the rollercoaster and feel that they have no choice but to ride that rollercoaster with you. 
      This level of conflict has impacted that child so much that they are now involved in this situation against their own will. 
      How do you think that this has impacted them?  
      Separation and divorce
      Separation and divorce are by no stretch of the imagination, a conflicting and challenging situation to be in, not to mention the added hardship of having children as part of that equation.  
      So what is a high-conflict separation or divorce?  
      Previous research has shown that high-conflict separation or divorce often refers to verbal or physical altercations between parents as witnessed by the child. 
      It can feel like a tug of war for children who are in the centre and have parents pulling on opposite ropes, which can be extremely overwhelming for a child.  
      What does the research say about how a high-conflict separation and divorce can affect children?  
      Previous findings from research date back to the 1970s, 1980s, and 1990s and suggest that children are not necessarily negatively affected by living in a single-parent family but more so by the conflict witnessed. 
      Much of the research has shown that family conflict, especially parental conflict, can harm children in the following ways.  
      Mental health  
      Children who find themselves caught in the middle are more likely to experience depression and anxiety. 
      Jekielek (1998) used data from a longitudinal study which concluded that parental conflict had a consistently significant negative impact on child anxiety and depression four years later, suggesting that parental conflict has enduring effects on child well-being. 
      Furthermore, studies have concluded that children experience less anxiety and depression when their high-conflict, married parents’ divorce.  
      Their future relationships with others  
      Long term exposure to high conflict can have an adverse effect, especially as children may observe parents engaging in this behaviour and replicate in their relationships (Gager, Yabiku & Linver, 2016). 
      These children also tend to have impaired relationships with peers. Furthermore, the poor role modelling demonstrated by their parents leads these kids to have no idea what it means to have real friendships, and their expectations of friends can become quite distorted. 
      Their self-esteem, self-concept and identity  
      A study by Raschke and Raschke (1979) found that family conflict can be detrimental to their self-concept. 
      This has since been supported by other research which has found that high conflict post-divorce may lead to parents being alienated from their children (Dunne & Hendrick, 1994). 
      This can negatively impact children’s self-esteem and self-sufficiency in adulthood (Ben-Ami & Baker, 2012).   
      Their behaviour including risk-taking  
      Evidence suggests that children experiencing their parents’ divorce or separation is associated with lower levels of wellbeing (Amato, 2010) and more behavioural problems (Hetherington & Kelly 2002; Weaver & Schofield, 2015).  
      In particular, it can affect interpersonal skills (Kim, 2011) and externalising behaviours such as conduct problems (Kelly & Emery, 2003; Kim, 2011; Weaver & Schofield, 2015)  
      Their success or performance in school and daily life 
      Children may also underperform academically as a result of their parent’s break-up by getting poor grades, using drugs, becoming defiant, withdrawing from the world, acting out in class and stop doing activities that generally please them. 
      What can parents do to support their children who have witnessed high-conflict situations? 
      Parents may see the conflict as necessary when going through divorce proceedings, but you need to remember to think about the impact that this may be having on the child or children. 
      So the fact of the matter is simple; it is the conflict, and not necessarily the divorce, that puts your children at risk. 
      Supportive parenting strategies
      A few supportive parenting strategies can go a long way to helping kids adjust to the changes brought about by divorce, reduce the psychological effects and maintain healthy and supportive relationships with your children.

      Don’t put children in the middle. Children didn’t ask to be in this situation and don’t need a constant push and pull from parents.  
      Teach pro-social coping strategies and skills to help them adjust to what is happening. Offer reassurance at any opportunity. Children need reassurance that it isn’t their fault about what is happening.  
      Use consistent discipline when needed. Maintaining age-appropriate rules from both parents will offer stability and manage unwanted behaviour.  
      Monitor adolescence. As children enter adolescence, their hormones will kick in, and there may be further excuses for why they choose to act out including substance misuse and self-harm—Check-in with them and offer support where possible.  
      Empower your child to express themselves. Children need to be able to have a safe space to talk to their parents and express how they are feeling. They need warmth and comfort from both parents.  

      Get in touch
      If you are going through a high conflict separation or divorce proceedings and need some support for yourself or your children, then please don’t hesitate to get in touch with My Family Psychologist. 
      We offer specialised counselling services for adults, couples and children as well as mediation services. Get in touch and see how we can support you when you are going through a difficult time. 
      Visit the My Family Psychologist website here.
      Family law advice 
      If you would like any family law advice please do contact our Client Care Team to speak to one of our specialist family lawyers here
      References:  
      Amato, P. R. (2010). Research on divorce: Continuing trends and new developments. Journal of marriage and family, 72(3), 650-666.  
      Anon, (n.d.). How Children Cope with High Conflict Divorce: How Are They Harmed and What Can Parents Do to Help Them – Divorce – Support Resources for Coping and Moving on After Divorce. [online] Available at: https://www.mentalhelp.net/blogs/how-children-cope-with-high-conflict-divorce-how-are-they-harmed-and-what-can-parents-do-to-help-them/ [Accessed 13 Aug. 2020]. 
      Ben-Ami, N., & Baker, A. J. (2012). The long-term correlates of childhood exposure to parental alienation on adult self-sufficiency and well-being. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 40(2), 169-183.  
      Dunne, J. E., & Hedrick, M. (1994). The parental alienation syndrome: An analysis of sixteen selected cases. Journal of Divorce & Remarriage, 21(3-4), 21-38.  
      Gager, C. T., Yabiku, S. T., & Linver, M. R. (2016). Conflict or divorce? Does parental conflict and/or divorce increase the likelihood of adult children’s cohabiting and marital dissolution? Marriage & Family Review, 52(3), 243–261.   
      ‌Government of Canada, Department of Justice, Electronic Communications (2015). Studies of High Conflict and its Effect on Children – High-Conflict Separation and Divorce: Options for Consideration (2004-FCY-1E). [online] Justice.gc.ca. Available at: https://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/fl-lf/divorce/2004_1/p3.html [Accessed 24 Sep. 2019]. 
      Hetherington, E. M., & Kelly, J. (2002). For better or for worse: Divorce reconsidered. WW Norton & Company.  
      Kelly, J. B., & Emery, R. E. (2003). Children’s adjustment following divorce: Risk and resilience perspectives. Family relations, 52(4), 352-362.  
      Kim, H. S. (2011). Consequences of parental divorce for child development. American Sociological Review, 76(3), 487-511.  
      Jekielek, S.M. (1998). Parental Conflict, Marital Disruption and Children’s Emotional Well-Being. Social Forces, 76(3), p.905. 
      Psychology Today. (n.d). Understanding the Effects of High-Conflict Divorce on Kids. [online] Available at: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/better-divorce/201912/understanding-the-effects-high-confict-divorce-kids [Accessed 13 Aug. 2020]  
      Morin, A. (2017). The Psychological Effects of Divorce on Children. [online] Verywell Family. Available at: https://www.verywellfamily.com/psychological-effects-of-divorce-on-kids-4140170. [Accessed 13 Aug. 2020] 
      Raschke, H.J. and Raschke, V.J. (1979). Family Conflict and Children’s Self-Concepts: A Comparison of Intact and Single-Parent Families. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 41(2), p.367. 
      Weaver, J. M., & Schofield, T. J. (2015). Mediation and moderation of divorce effects on children’s behaviour  problems. Journal of family psychology, 29(1), 39. More

    • 125 Shares149 Views

      in Relationships

      How to tell if you are in a co-dependent relationship

      by

      Luisa Williams, CEO & Founder from My Family Psychologist joins us on the blog with her advice on how to tell if you are in a co-dependent relationship.
      I can’t live, with or without you. U2’s famous song appears to strike a chord with many of the couples that I have worked with in therapy. The saying ‘can’t live with or without you’ is a struggle faced by many couples. 
      You can’t help who you fall in love with, but when does a relationship become more than an intense emotional and physical connection and border into the co-dependency zone? Do you know when that line is crossed?  
      It can be hard to distinguish between a person who is ‘clingy’ and a person who is co-dependent. If you suspect that you, your partner or somebody you know is displaying traits of being co-dependent or that you/they may be in a co-dependent relationship, here are some signs to look out for. 
      (You don’t need all of them to determine whether you or your partner is co-dependent or whether.)  
      Ten tips on how to tell if you are in a co-dependent relationship
      1. You or your partner may exercise the need for control.  
      Control helps co-dependents feel safe and secure; and to be honest, this is not specific to them.

      We all want to feel like we are in control of situations but there is a difference between being in control of the situation and being a dictator of somebody else’s life which is a violation of somebody else’s boundary. 

      Sometimes you may not feel like you have control, and that can make you feel like you are being controlled. Co-dependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. 
      2. There may be addiction issues.  
      This is not true for all co-dependents, but there may be some form of addiction which generally acts as a means to help them relax or to add a sense of order or purpose to their lives. Whether that be substances, alcohol, cigarettes, working or cleaning, this can help them not feel out of control.  
      3. You may love the person, but don’t like them.
      This may feel like a contradiction in terms, but it is possible to feel love for somebody but not like the things they are doing or how they behave towards you. This can lead to a sense of feeling trapped or unable to leave. 
      You need to think about whether the positives outweigh the negative. Work on what isn’t going well and decide how you can work on this. Sometimes it will work out and other times, it won’t. What you risk doing when staying with a person whom you love but don’t want to be with, is resenting that person which is not a feeling that is felt lightly.  
      4. You or your partner may experience low self-esteem.  
      If you or your partner is experiencing heightened feelings of low self-esteem or feel like you’re are comparing yourself to others, then you may find yourself trying to be comforted or comforting your partner. 
      Underneath this veil of low esteem, there may be an underlying issue which is causing this feeling. If everything is going well, you won’t feel bad about yourself and the self-esteem issues should not be there.  
      5. There are poor boundaries in place or a lack of boundaries.  

      Imagine boundaries as being invisible lines which exist between you and your partner. 

      Having boundaries is important to establish the values of relationship, but this also includes your feelings, thoughts and needs. 
      This is where co-dependents can get into trouble as they tend to blur the boundary lines and may expect their boundaries not to be crossed, meanwhile overstepping other people’s boundaries. Sometimes, co-dependants can become defensive as a result of having poor boundaries.  
      6. There is a lot of ‘people-pleasing’ going on. 
      Saying ‘no’ causes anxiety to co-dependants, and they will go out of their way to sacrifice their own needs to accommodate others. 
      If you find it difficult to say no to situations and people and feel responsible for others unhappiness or turmoil, then this is only going to cause issues down the line when eventually it will become too much to handle on your own. 
      You need to focus on yourself, and if it is impacting your happiness, then you may need to evaluate the situation and not compromise yourself. You may also find little or no satisfaction or happiness in life outside of doing things for the other person. 
      7. There feels like a constant push and pull when communicating and interacting with each other.  
      At times, co-dependants have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings or needs to others. This can leave the other person trying to guess what is going on, and it will come as no shock that people are not mind readers. 
      Often you may be afraid to be truthful because as the old saying goes, ‘The truth hurts.’  You might find yourself pretending to be okay with something to appease the other person or find yourself compromising your own beliefs so that it does not cause upset. 
      You or your partner may threaten to leave but then change your mind. Communication can become confusing and dishonest when you try to manipulate emotions or feel like you are being manipulated out of fear.  
      8. There may be anxiety, obsessive or paranoid behaviour within the relationship.  
      You or your partner may experience thoughts about the relationship or believe that things are happening within the confines of the relationship without any evidence. This is caused by anxieties, fears and dependency about what the relationship means and how it could be destroyed. 
      There may be fears about infidelity or being hurt by the other. You or your partner may find yourselves questioning whether the relationship is a mistake and may find yourself lapsing into a fantasy about how you would like things to be as opposed to what they are.  This is to avoid the pain you may feel in the present and keeps you in a state of denial. They won’t reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy. 
      9. There may be fears of rejection, abandonment and emotional unavailability. 

      Co-dependants need people to like them and want to be around them.

      They fear that they will be rejected or abandoned by people close to them, and this may stem from childhood attachments styles and previous experience in relationships. Because of the weak boundaries, they fear that they will be judged, rejected, or left.
       On the other hand, you may fear being smothered in a relationship and losing your autonomy. You might deny your need for closeness and feel that your partner wants too much of your time; your partner complains that you’re unavailable. 
      Some people find it hard to be by themselves for long periods of time and require constant reassurance. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even if that relationship is abusive. There is a real risk of co-dependants feeling trapped or potentially making the other person feel that too.  
      10. You feel burnout or not do anything you used to enjoy doing  
      It is natural in a relationship to compromise as long as both parties agree to this. You may feel like you or your partner tend to get their own way with decision making (whether that be music or films to watch). You may find that you don’t do any of the hobbies or things you enjoyed doing before you got into the relationship or feel that you can’t do them anymore. 
      You may feel obligated to spend all your free time with your partner. You may start to feel worn down or exhausted with the relationship and might tend to agree just so there are no arguments. You may start to neglect other important relationships. This can impact your sense of personal identity and might make you question who you are if you enable this behaviour to continue.  
      How to change a co-dependent relationship  
      It is important to reassure you that anyone can become co-dependent and you are not abnormal if this happens to you. It is important that you do not punish yourself or your partner but seek support to get the relationship back on track if you feel that this is the right thing to do moving forward. If you decide to part ways, that is also okay and you should not feel guilty if this is what you decide.  
      Breaking up isn’t necessarily the best or only solution. To repair a co-dependent relationship, it’s important to set boundaries and find happiness as an individual.  
      A few things can help in forming a positive, balanced relationship: 

      People in co-dependent relationships may need to take small steps toward some separation in the relationship. They may need to find a hobby or activity they enjoy outside of the relationship. 

      A co-dependent person should try to spend time with supportive family members or friends. 

      The enabler must decide that they are not helping their co-dependent partner by allowing them to make extreme sacrifices. 

      Get in touch
      If you feel like you are or have been in a co-dependent relationship and feel like you may benefit from some support moving forward, then get in touch with My Family Psychologist. 
      We offer different individual therapies as well as relationship and couples therapies. This could be the first step towards a healthier relationship with yourself and your partner. 
      Visit the My Family Psychologist website here.
      Family law advice 
      If you would like any family law advice please do contact our Client Care Team to speak to one of our specialist family lawyers here. More

    • 125 Shares159 Views

      in Relationships

      6 tips to help you cope when leaving a narcissist

      by

      As part of our Stowe guests series, we are joined by Louisa Hope from Therapy Knutsford, who shares her simple yet extremely effective tips to help people cope when separating from a narcissistic, abusive relationship. Build a strong support network   Narcissists are controllers, they try to alienate their victims from their support network.  They don’t […] More