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    Steadying yourself when you wobble during separation and divorce

    Support through divorce and separation: Danielle Barbereau, specialist divorce coach and author joins us as part of the Stowe guests programme to offer helpful tips and advice on how to steady yourself if you are having a wobble during a divorce or separation, particularly during the current global pandemic. 
    If you are going through a painful separation, it is all too easy to feel that you have lost control of your life and that everyone else is calling the shots. 
    This is especially the case during this COVID-19 pandemic. 
    To make matters even worse, the fear of the future; the worry about the health and wellbeing of loved ones; money and job worries; the excruciating pain of not seeing your children when they stay with the other parent; and worse, when the other parent does not comply with parenting orders; all contribute to making the breakup incredibly difficult. 
    Yet, I know that even in the worst times, we can find some relief.  
    First things first, you need to steady yourself. 
    These are a few tips, which are the results of many hours spent working with people who are going through painful breakups.
    Some may hopefully resonate with you:  

    As bad as things seem at the moment, these times will pass  
    Accept where you are. Don’t dwell on what you can’t change. This will make moving forward easier   
    You are going through life-changing emotions; it’s OK to feel these emotions  
    Recovery takes time. You cannot just bounce back; you need to go through a process  
    Be kind to yourself  
    At the end of each day, write ONE accomplishment from your day you are proud of  
    Move, get some exercise and fresh air 
    If you are starting to panic, breathe deeply and repeat 3 times: ‘I accept myself as I am and I can deal with this’. This is an affirmation which will help ground you 
    Take some control back 

    Regaining some form of control at this time is crucial, but it may seem impossible to do. Yet, I encourage you to seek small ways of regaining control. This can be achieved by making some changes in your life. 
    Initially, these changes may be small: eating foods your partner did not like, going to bed at a different time, watching DVDs they would have disliked. 
    What is important here is to do things that you did not do when they were around. Do something new, however small a step that feels. As time goes on the changes will be bigger and more significant.   
    Take my client Josie for example:

    ‘After he left, one day I sat in ‘his’ armchair. Suddenly I saw our living room from a new angle. I was in charge. It felt good.’  

    This is a good example because not only is it a new step, albeit apparently small, sitting in ‘his’ chair, but is ‘daring’ because it challenges the former status quo. For Josie, it felt like a victory. She began to realise at that point that she would survive and be OK.  
    Aim at making at least one change a day, every day and observe the sense of achievement you feel. 
    Challenging yourself is good on several levels. It takes you out of your comfort zone; it also shows you that you are capable of achieving something by yourself, and it makes you feel independent and more in charge of your life. 
    When your partner goes, your confidence is shattered. It is absolutely vital to work on rebuilding it. Challenging yourself is a way of rebuilding fragile confidence.   
    Emerging and recovering from pain is a slow process. It doesn’t happen in a tidy straight line. We go through ups and downs, peaks and troughs. Pain and grief, just like love, are personal emotions and no-one reacts exactly in the same way.  
    All we can do is realise that we are grieving, that the process is running its course.   
    Remember: this too will pass and you will get better! 
    Support through divorce and separation
    You can contact Danielle on 07860 801693, email: danielle@danielleb.co.uk or visit: danielleb.co.uk
    Legal advice for divorce
    If you would like support through divorce and separation, please do contact our Client Care Team to speak to one of our specialist divorce lawyers here.  More

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    The perils of a prenup agreement

    The perils of a prenup agreement: While it remains the case that prenuptial and postnuptial agreements are not binding on the parties or the judge upon divorce, the Courts are giving increased weight to nuptial agreements where the recommended formalities are complied with. 
    This is in line with the judgment in the Supreme Court decision in Radmacher v Granatino [2010] UKSC 42: 
    ‘The court should give effect to a nuptial agreement that is freely entered into by each party with a full appreciation of its implications unless in the circumstances prevailing it would not be fair to hold the parties to their agreement’.  
    The perils of a prenup agreement
    In order to give a nuptial agreement the best chance of being upheld, the following requirements should be met: 

    The terms of the agreement must be fair and meet the needs of the parties and any dependent children. If this condition is not met, there is little prospect of the agreement being upheld:
    Contractual validity – it must be capable of being enforced as a contract; 
    No evidence of undue influence or duress – the parties must enter into the agreement of their own free will; 
    Execution – the agreement must be signed or executed as a deed; 
    Timing – the agreement should be prepared and signed in good time before the wedding/civil partnership. The Law Commission report addressing Qualifying Nuptial Agreements recommends that a prenuptial agreement should be entered into at least 28 days prior to the wedding or civil partnership; 
    Both parties should disclose full details of their respective financial situations; 
    Independent legal advice – to be taken by both parties at the time that the agreement was formed to ensure that they fully understand the consequences of the agreement. 

    There are other considerations that may impact whether a nuptial agreement is upheld, such as evidence of fraud or misrepresentation at the time the agreement was entered into. 
    However, provided the terms of the agreement are substantially fair and the needs of the parties and the children have been met, the Courts are increasingly willing to uphold and/or give significant weight to nuptial agreements. 
    The case of S v H
    While there are examples of pre-nuptial agreements being upheld, at least in part, where some of the above requirements were not met, the recent case of S v H is a stark reminder that failure to comply with the above formalities, especially the need to ensure that the agreement meets the needs of both parties, can render a prenuptial agreement worthless. 

    The case of S v H involved a husband (69 years old) and a wife (56 years) who had both been married previously and both had children from their previous relationships. 
    The wife had significant resources at the time of the marriage whereas the husband had very little. 
    The parties entered into a prenuptial agreement for them each to retain the assets they held at the outset of their marriage and likewise, any future assets acquired by either one of them during the marriage were not to be shared.
    The marriage lasted approximately 6 years. The wife had a net income in excess of £100,000 per annum and she held capital assets of c.£3 million net at the date of the Final Hearing. 
    During the marriage, the husband received a modest salary through the wife’s business but his main role was to care for the wife’s twin daughters who at the date of the marriage were 11 years old.  
    The husband incurred significant debts during the marriage after borrowing from friends to discharge a variety of debts and to contribute towards his living costs. Following their separation, the wife sought to uphold the agreement whereas the husband, who had at that point been adjudicated bankrupt, sought financial provision from the wife to meet his housing and income needs.  
    There was a dispute between the parties over the circumstances that led to them entering into a prenuptial agreement. 
    The husband’s case was that until he was called to attend the notary’s office to sign the agreement, he was unaware of the wife’s wish for them to enter into a prenuptial agreement. 
    The wife’s case was that the decision to enter into a prenuptial agreement was a joint decision and was discussed before the arrangements were put in place. 
    Notwithstanding that the parties intended to live as a family in the UK, the prenuptial agreement was drawn up in the country of which they were both nationals and where the marriage took place.  

    The judgment 
    ‘In my judgment, there is no value in the prenuptial agreement. There was no formal process of disclosure, there was no advice given to either party, other than by the notary who prepared the document and at five days before the ceremony…
    Even if I held that the agreement was binding, it plainly leaves the husband in a position of real need, when the only way of alleviating that needs being to take funds from the wife to provide for him, contrary to the terms of the prenuptial agreement’. Trial Judge, paragraph 44
    The husband was awarded 60% of the wife’s pension fund to provide him with an income stream. 
    The wife was ordered to make a lump sum payment of £270,000 in order to discharge the husband’s debts which included his outstanding legal fees. 
    The wife was also ordered to purchase a 3-bedroom property at a cost of £350,000 for the husband to live in until his death or until he no longer needed the home, at which point the property would revert to the wife.    
    Getting the right legal advice 
    Clients are often surprised by the amount of work involved in preparing and executing a prenuptial agreement and many assume that it will simply be a matter of signing a standard proforma document.   
    However, as demonstrated by the outcome of the case of S v H, every effort should be made to comply with the requirements listed above to give the prenuptial agreement the best chance of being upheld and in all cases, the issue of needs and fairness must be addressed.
    Read Prenups: can you change them and do they count 
    Get in touch 
    To avoid the perils of a prenup agreement, download our guide to prenup agreements or please do contact our Client Care Team to speak to one of our specialist family lawyers with experience of prenup agreements here. More

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    Social Media Meets Social Distancing: 10 Expert Tips for Parents of Teens and Tweens

    By Children and Screens: Institute of Digital Media and Child Development | Contributor With the ever-increasing social media use among teens and tweens resulting from COVID-19, it’s important for parents and families to pay attention to how their kids are connecting on these platforms, what their influences and interactions are, and how best to navigate […] More

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    How to Talk to Your Kids About Sexting

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    Stonewalling: What is it and why do some people do it?

    What is stonewalling? Stonewalling in a relationship is when one person refuses to communicate or cooperate with their partner becoming like “a stone wall”. You may know it as its more common name, the ‘silent treatment’. Alternatively stonewalling can mean a partner dismissing everything as if the other person is  “making a big deal out […] More

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    Traveling with Children During COVID-19 –Tips to Keep Your Family Safe

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    6 tips to help you cope when leaving a narcissist

    As part of our Stowe guests series, we are joined by Louisa Hope from Therapy Knutsford, who shares her simple yet extremely effective tips to help people cope when separating from a narcissistic, abusive relationship. Build a strong support network   Narcissists are controllers, they try to alienate their victims from their support network.  They don’t […] More