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    What do you say to a friend whose marriage is ending?

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    Sometimes, when people admit that their marriage is unsustainable, for whatever reason, the reaction of family, friends, even strangers on the internet can be judgmental or pitying. However, what someone in this situation needs are words and actions of support and comfort, as well as professional and legal guidance.
    We are joined on the blog by Divorce Coach Rebecca Spittles, who explores her own experience of the initial stages of separation, and what to say to a friend whose marriage is ending.
    ‘“It’s a shame you couldn’t have just tried a bit harder…”
    Nothing hits harder when you have made the decision to leave. When will people understand that getting divorced is an absolute last resort?
    Contrary to popular belief, and in my experience both personally and professionally, no one actually wants to get divorced. Reaching the point of separation, especially when there are children in the mix, is the most gut wrenching, stomach turning, vomit-inducing feeling you could ever imagine if you’ve not been there.
    I don’t wish divorce on anyone. When I took my vows I took them for life, like my parents, my grandparents and all that surrounded me. I wanted that security and comfort that everyone seeks from marriage. Even simple things I was excited about, for example to have the same surname as my husband and then of my child. It was so, so important.
    Just imagine how it felt when I knew that no matter how hard I tried, the union I was in was not meant to be?
    My parents were amazing. On several occasions I came close to uttering the words separation and every time they would come up with some kind words and injected a bit more strength into me to keep going. Marriage isn’t easy.
    My sister was the best. Constantly encouraging me, being a sounding board but never once suggesting being apart was an option.
    The toughest part of my situation was that, in order for our relationship to be harmonious, one or both of us had to completely stifle their key personality traits. Not sustainable.
    Our opinions on every single little thing were different and it ended with one or both of us feeling sad or resentful or angry as there wasn’t space for compromise.
    Compromise. The word bandied around all the time when it comes to being in a relationship. What if compromise actually meant giving in? Taking on the view of the other person so that life could just about be normal? What if compromise was only one sided and the only way for the other person to ever be happy was to always do what they wanted?
    I made several huge changes. Gave up my brilliant job so I could be at home. Gave up financial independence and poured every penny into the joint account. I started asking to do things and to buy things and slowly I disappeared. But still there was no happiness.
    After 2 long years following the birth of our daughter I asked for a separation. The answer was ‘No’. Clearly, I ‘didn’t care about my marriage’. I did. I wanted it more than I have ever wanted anything in my life to work but I was empty. Nothing left.
    In the end, two days after New Years Eve, I left after a huge row (something I learned is never the best way to leave).
    I picked up our daughter and stepped out of the front door and I will always remember the feeling of this being ‘it’. We were completely over. I drove to my parents with a sleeping toddler, arrived and cried. I cried and cried.
    Eventually he moved out to his Mum’s temporarily so that I could come home with our daughter and work, and she could have contact with her Dad.
    I am writing this so that next time someone utters the words ‘I want to leave my husband/wife’ just listen. Ask why, not so you can tell her why they should stay but so that you can understand quite how far they have come to be able to say this out loud.
    If you’ve been through it, please, please offer comfort, what they don’t need is the gore of your breakup or divorce. There is plenty of time for that later!
    Share your emotion and empathise because you more than many truly know where they are at.
    Finally, for all of us sat with the friend who says their relationship is over, just help. They will be a wreck for a while to come, from being so strong to being a crying mess on the floor. An angry confused teenager-esque stage will rear its ugly head at some point along with bitterness and probably a fair bit of drunkenness.
    Just be there for them. They will come out the other side. They will never be the same again, but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing.’
    Rebecca Spittles is a Divorce Coach providing personalised emotional and practical support and coaching to help individuals navigate their divorce or separation.
     You can find out more about Rebecca on her website or via her LinkedIn. 
    Useful links
    My partner’s a good person but I’m not happy
    When ‘I do’ becomes ‘I don’t’: Navigating the path to divorce and what to do next
    What to do if you think your marriage is over

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      in Family Law

      2023 In Review – Reflections on the Year in Family Law

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      2023: A Year in Review
      Julian Hawkhead, Managing Partner, Reflects on the Year
      It has become something of a tradition for me to write a note as we draw towards the end of the year to reflect on what has happened over the past 12 months. Doesn’t the time fly by? This year I’m delighted to be joined by a few colleagues around the firm who have put down some thoughts on what has stood out for them over the course of 2023.
      At Stowe, it has been quite a year again! I’m trying to find some clever way of linking “Stowe” and “grow” together but have failed but yet again we have continued to cement our place as the most dominant family law practice in the country. We saw our colleague numbers increase to over 360 with a total of 178 lawyers serving 88 locations around the country. Yes, that’s right, we have 88 office locations, adding 22 new locations including those from Watson Thomas and Crisp & Co. this year. It has been an absolute pleasure to get to know our new colleagues from those two firms, to learn about their ways of working and what they have done to make themselves successful to continue improve our own Stowe Way of Working.
      Our client numbers also increased by 25% and by early December we had over 4,000 progressing matters underway as we continue to strive to support more and more people.
      Joanna Newton on The Rise of the Legal Age of Marriage
      In February this year, the legal age of marriage rose to 18. This has meant that 16- and 17-year-olds who were previously allowed to marry with parental consent are no longer allowed to marry or enter a civil partnership in England and Wales.
      As of 27th February, it is now a criminal offence to arrange a marriage for under 18-year-olds under any circumstances. The offence is now punishable by 7 years in prison.
      The idea behind this new law is to better protect children from being forced into underage marriages and protect them from abuse and coercion. The change is to crack down on forced marriages which can cause lasting psychological, and sometimes physical, damage on a child. It is also part of the government’s continuing commitment to tackling violence against women and girls.
      Prior to the Marriage and Civil Partnerships (Minimum Age) Act 2023, the law had been unchanged since 1949 and had legitimised child marriage with children aged 16 and 17 permitted to marry with their parents’ consent.
      The mechanism of parental consent which existed under that law, whilst meant to be a safeguard, has, in some cases, proved to be a vehicle for parental abuse.
      This change is a welcome relief and over the coming years we will hopefully see it having a considerable impact reducing the number of forced marriages and violence against girls in particular.
      Gemma Davison on Changes to Fertility Legislation
      Earlier this year, the government announced that there would be a change to fertility law which aims to reduce the discrimination that female same-sex couples face when they are looking to conceive via reciprocal IVF (where one woman provides her egg and the other carries the child). It will also encompass a change for same-sex couples where one or both partners have HIV but the viral load is undetectable.
      Female same-sex couples will no longer be required to have an additional screening for infectious diseases (including rubella, hepatitis B and C) which will remove this extra barrier not faced by heterosexual couples and reduce costs by up to £1000.
      For same-sex couples with undetectable HIV viral loads, the change in legislation will mean that the couple will have access to IVF treatment, including known sperm or egg cell donation to friends or relatives.
      These changes will hopefully work to reduce the inequality that exists between same-sex couples and opposite-sex couples regarding fertility options and treatment. However, there is still a way to go.
      In August 2022 as part of the Women’s Health Strategy, the government committed to removing all financial barriers for same-sex couples that are not faced by heterosexual couples. We are still awaiting this change. I hope to see more progress in reducing discrimination in the fertility space and more support of this method of parenthood in 2024.
      Megan Brookfield on ‘Love bombing’ being Recognised as a Sign of Abuse by CPS
      In April this year, the Crown Prosecution Service updated their guidance on controlling and coercive behaviour to include the term ‘love bombing’. The guidance now advises prosecutors on the range of tactics perpetrators of abuse can use against their victim and discusses love bombing and what this entails. Love bombing is a phrase used to describe a scenario whereby the abuser will periodically carry out over-the-top loving acts in between other behaviour to confuse and control their victim. It is most commonly seen in the early stages of a relationship.
      The update is a positive step. It has highlighted the diverse ways in which perpetrators can exact control of their victim. Furthermore, it provides a degree of clarity on the role of love bombing and how it is a coercive tactic. It also gives family lawyers a legal framework with which to support clients and indeed when obtaining protective orders from the family court.
      There are still numerous challenges to face when proving coercive control. The updates in legal framework have certainly improved this, but it is clear that more work needs to be done to help and support survivors and their families, particularly for those seeking to leave their abusive relationship.
      Ashley Le Core on Child Arrangements in International Divorces
      Most of us will have seen something about the divorce of Joe Jonas and Sophie Turner earlier this year. Their divorce raised some very interesting points in the family law space, including which jurisdiction should accept the divorce proceedings and associated financial remedy proceedings. This is particularly important to consider, as different jurisdictions will provide two differing ways of handling assets, which could favour one party over the other.
      However, most of the media drama of the divorce has been specifically about child arrangements, raising the issue of who gets the kids in international divorces, as Turner is British and Jonas is American. From media reports, it appeared that they had planned to settle their two young daughters in England. Initial divorce proceedings, however, saw some issues on this front, including accusations of child abduction.
      Unlike many divorces, these parents are of course very wealthy and therefore the reality is that wherever the determination is made that the children shall primarily reside, the other parent should be more than able to purchase an appropriate property in that country and therefore, the impact on the children will be drastically reduced. This is of course not available to every party in such cases.
      No absolute certain details are known about the long-term arrangements in relation to this divorce at this stage, but in the interim, the girls will travel between the UK and the US. In international divorces generally, it is unlikely the court would expect children to be travelling between countries on a regular basis, especially if they are of school age. In these cases, the primary focus has to be their schooling.  The onus would therefore be on one of the parents to do more of the travelling and to have a base in the relevant jurisdiction. The children then spend more quality time with their parents over longer periods such as school holidays.
      The Jonas/Turner divorce has been an interesting study in the various complex aspects involved in international and multi-jurisdictional divorces and has particularly drawn attention to what happens to children in such circumstances.
      A Final Sign Off
      There is little I can add to what has been said so eloquently above and a huge thanks to them for taking the time to share their thoughts. Family law is always evolving whether that is to reflect the changing values of our society, to adapt to the political or economic climate or to anticipate what factors such as new (and what can seem scary) technology. As a leadership team we are constantly surveying the horizon to see what might be coming up, whether that is a possible change of government or some new AI innovation. Whatever happens I do believe that 2024 will be great and exciting year.
      Wishing you and your families a safe, restful and joyous festive season.
      Julian, and all at Stowe Family Law. More

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      in Family Law

      How to manage the Cost-of-Christmas Crisis

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      It’s the most wonderful time of the year!
      But it’s also one of the most expensive.
      The Cost of Christmas Crisis, as it has been coined, is taking its toll again this year. Recent research from easymoney has revealed that people are cutting down on their Christmas spending this year, as the cost-of-living crisis has an ongoing impact. 59% of us are looking to make cuts this year, with 55% of respondents stating that whilst they usually have an extra savings pot put aside for Christmas, they have saved less than planned.
      Financial Planner Jodie Phelps has put together some top tips on how to manage your money in the Cost of Christmas Crisis when the purse strings are tighter than ever.

      Be aware of the potential for emotional spending during the holidays. Stay mindful of your emotions and instead of using retail therapy as a coping mechanism write a list of other things you enjoy doing so when you feel yourself about to spend do the other things on your list instead (eg. take a bath, go for a run, call a friend)
      BUT, recognise the emotional challenges that may arise during the holidays and prioritise self-care; allocate budget for activities that bring you joy and contribute to your well-being
      Develop a budget that reflects your changed financial circumstances and keep track of your spending
      Create a list of people you want to buy gifts for and allocate a specific amount for each person
      Consider creative and thoughtful gifts that don’t necessarily have to be expensive (eg. photo collages, scrap books, experiences). Remember, the holidays are about spending time with loved ones and creating meaningful memories, not just about the gifts.
      If you have a large family or friend group, consider setting limits on the amount spent on gifts or participating in a Secret Santa
      Plan your holiday meals in advance and create a shopping list. This can help you avoid last-minute, impulse food purchases/takeaways
      Be mindful of impulse purchases, especially when faced with holiday sales and promotions
      Look for discounts, compare prices, and consider using cashback or price-tracking tools to find the best deals
      After the holidays, review your spending and assess what worked well and what didn’t. Use this information to plan for the next holiday season.
      Make a note of your Christmas pay date when budgeting, as it’s usually earlier in December. Plan for the long stretch between Christmas pay day and January pay day
      Start saving a monthly amount for next Christmas so that next year you have money allocated for you to enjoy Christmas.

      You can find out more about Jodie on her LinkedIn.
      Relationship Tensions
      Financial tensions are a huge driver in divorce enquiries, and in a survey that we conducted, 60% of respondents said that the crisis was negatively affecting their relationship.
      If you do find that tensions around money build between you and your partner around this time of year, here are some suggestions on how to safeguard your relationship at Christmas. It’s important to remember that Christmas does not cause divorce and relationship breakdown. However, it can expose pre-existing issues, so getting to the root of the problem is very important.
      Stowe Solicitor Abi Jones has some top tips on reducing tensions around the festive season:

      Communicate – communication is central to healthy relationships and talking through your worries with your partner can help to alleviate pressure
      Lean on friends or family members outside of your relationship for support if needed
      Figure out where your priorities are, and if they are different to your partner’s
      If you have differing priorities, try to compromise and find where your middle ground lies
      Consider speaking to a financial planner or another professional – you can find our recommended partners in our Divorce Directory
      Try to focus on the positives, even if they seem insignificant. Small changes can make big differences over time
      Come up with interesting ways to celebrate this time of year together without the pressure of money
      Try to have some time together. Christmas can be a very busy time so spending time with each other is essential. It does not have to be big or expensive. It could be as simple as having a movie night together when the children are in bed.

      First Christmas After Separation
      Abi discusses how to manage your first Christmas after separation.
      It may be that this is your first Christmas after divorce or relationship breakdown. If this is the case, you may be more worried about money than you usually are as you may well have gone from a dual income household to single income. Not only this, but the routine and traditions of the day may also suddenly be different.

      Create experiences, rather than physical gifts
      Downsize your giving
      Use second-hand website such as Vinted or ebay
      Do Secret Santa instead of buying gifts for everyone
      Make home-made gifts
      Keep the celebrations small
      Don’t be tempted by payday loans, as this may cause more issues later on
      If you have young children, toy appeals may be available. Certain charities have toy appeals where individuals can donate toys which are then distributed between families
      Try not to compare your Christmas to others, either of your past or other people’s
      Manage the expectations of any children – let them know that change is normal but ensure they are informed of what changes, scheduling, what will be happening, where and when.

      Remember that Christmas is one day. There is a great deal of pressure for Christmas Day to be perfect, but it is just one day in the year.
      Think about how you want to spend your Christmas. Would you like to spend it with a friend, with family or even alone. This is an opportunity to make new traditions.
      Lastly, Christmas does not necessarily have to take place on 25th December. If this is the first year you do not have the children after going through a divorce or separation you can always pause your Christmas until the day after or have it before.
      Useful Links
      Financial Wellbeing with Jodie Phelps or watch on YouTube
      Surviving Christmas after Separation
      Child arrangements at Christmas
      Christmas alone with divorce and break-up coach Claire Macklin
      Budgeting solo during a cost-of-living crisis: Listen on Spotify or Watch on YouTube
      Supporting children through divorce: Listen on Spotify More

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      in Family Law

      I’m not the ‘breadwinner’ in my divorce

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      ‘Breadwinner’ is a term often thrown about with little consideration for its meaning. Traditionally, the ‘breadwinner’ in a relationship was the man as it was assumed that whilst the husband went out to work, the woman would keep house and raise the children.
      However, as society has moved on and gender roles changed, the breadwinner could be either party, or there may not be one at all. It may also be that most of the money in the relationship has come from one partner, for example from inheritance or the result of house sales or a business.
      So, what happens if you are the lower earner in your relationship? Money worries may be at the forefront of your mind when considering divorce or separation. Questions like ‘Can I afford to live by myself?’, ‘How will I afford divorce?’, ‘What will happen to the house?’ and many more may be concerning you.
      However, if you are not the ‘breadwinner’ in your relationship, you still have a safety net in divorce.
      In divorce, the Court will work from the starting point of a 50/50 split of finances and assets. A financial settlement is an agreement which will iron out financial issues and fairly separate the assets once a marriage has ended.
      In brief, a Court will look at the future income and earning capacity as well as the needs of each party going forward. If you are not the breadwinner i.e. you’re the lower earner or have no income, this will be taken into consideration in the financial settlement.
      However, it is also important to remember that spouses are not automatically entitled to an equal share of their partner’s income.
      Who pays the legal fees?
      One of the first concerns may be about who pays the legal fees in divorce. The general rule is that each partner will pay their own legal costs. The cost of divorce includes the court fee of £593, plus any solicitors’ fees should they be instructed.
      The person applying for the divorce – known as the applicant – will pay the court fee. If the application is a joint one, applicant 1 will pay the fee.
      You can find out more about who pays the legal fees in divorce here.
      Financial Disclosure and Spousal Maintenance
      Financial disclosure happens early on in divorce proceedings, usually through the completion of a Form E, and should be an honest setting out of the finances and assets of the marriage. Once the forms have been filled in, there is time for the ex-spouses and the solicitors to ask questions.
      Providing everything has been disclosed properly, an agreement can then be made on the future needs of each spouse.
      The court will then review the agreement and decide whether it is fair.
      In situations where one spouse has a much higher income than the other, there is likely to be an extended period of financial support, known as Spousal Maintenance. This can be decided between you and your partner, or the court can order the financially stronger party to pay the other a monthly income. It is expected that both parties should have a similar standard of living after the divorce that they did prior to divorce.
      Spousal maintenance is only available for couples who were married and tends to be more common for divorcees who were married for a long time.
      Spousal maintenance is available for both men and women, as it depends on who was the breadwinner in the marriage. Traditionally, men paid women spousal and/or child maintenance. However, social changes and modern-day working lives mean that either the husband or the wife in heterosexual marriages can pay maintenance costs.
      In same-sex marriages, the same applies in that either party can be the breadwinner and will therefore be required to pay the financially weaker party some form of ongoing income.
      Some couples opt for a ‘clean break’, wanting to cut all financial ties with their partner as soon as possible. To obtain a clean break, you must have a financial order approved by the Court, which also prevents your partner making any financial claims against you in the future.
      Pensions
      Pensions are often ignored in divorce proceedings, especially when the individual has sought no legal advice. However, they are one of the most important aspects in the financial part of divorces but can be complicated.
      As with divorce generally, one party is not automatically entitled to an equal share of their partner’s pension.
      Pensions are complicated, particularly so in divorce, so it is important to seek legal advice, especially if you are the lower earner.
      What’s the best option?
      What’s ‘best’ is unique to the individual and their circumstances. The most helpful thing to do is to seek advice from a family lawyer who will be able to guide you through the options and help make that decision.
      The most important thing to remember is even if you are not the breadwinner in your relationship, financial settlements and the court will take this into account.
      If you are separating, but not divorcing, because you and your partner never married, a Separation Agreement is likely to be an option for you. This document, whilst not legally binding, can be used to formally document the division of assets and finances, including pensions as well as child arrangements and other considerations. More

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      in Children

      Making arrangements for children this Christmas

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      With less than two months until Christmas, now’s the time to agree how your children will spend time with their other parent during the holidays.
      Christmas can be a time of tension for separated parents as they plan the festivities and plan where and how they’ll each see the children. 
      So, we asked our Regional Director for Yorkshire, Rachel Roberts, to share her advice for parents on taking the strain out of making child arrangements for Christmas. 
      Child arrangements and Christmas
      As we approach December, we see a flurry of clients getting in touch for help to try and resolve arrangements for the festive season. 
      Before I turn to my tips on how best to manage arrangements, there are a couple of key points from the Government and family law sector that are certainly at the forefront of my mind when advising clients.
      Last year, a leading family judge made it clear that parties should only be bringing disputes over children to court where absolutely necessary. The judge went on to criticise parents for asking the court to micro-manage children arrangements. The view from the court is clear – where possible you should be sorting these things out yourself.
      The Government have said that further lockdowns are unlikely and have been clear that restrictions do not prevent children from moving between separated parents, provided they are not self-isolating. 
      It seems unlikely that this will change, and CAFCASS (the government body that advises the court on children disputes) has stressed the need for children to maintain their usual routine.
      All that said, it is naive to think that difficulties will not arise, and the following guidance may help avoid unhappiness at Christmas.
      Tips for making child arrangements during Christmas 
      Preparation is key
      If you do not have plans in place, now is the time to start. Talk to your ex-partner and agree on arrangements that work for you all.
      Some clients I have worked with agreed that the children would spend Christmas Eve at one home and then return to the other for lunch on Christmas Day.
      Other clients decided that they would spend the whole festive period with one parent and the next year spend it with the other, alternating between the two.
      It is a personal choice based on what works for your family, but also the age of the children, location and how amicable you are.
      Be prepared to be flexible as plans may need to change. 
      Focus on the children 
      First and foremost, put the children at the heart of the plans you make. A different type of Christmas can still be a good Christmas. Talk about the positive: two Christmas Days, two sets of presents etc.
      Make sure you share your plans with the children. Depending on the age of the children, ask them what they would like? Older children need to feel they have a voice. 
      Once in place, sharing plans with the children means they know where they will be throughout the holiday, and the routine will make them feel safe and secure.
      Creating a visual plan can help as dates can be difficult for a child to understand. One client created a Christmas themed wall planner for their younger children. A tech-savvy teenager may prefer a joint Google calendar.
      Be fair to the other parent
      If this is your first year as a separated parent, this will all feel very raw and difficult. It is likely that you will both be dreading not spending Christmas entirely with your children. 
      Even though it can be difficult, try to think about the impact of any plans on your former partner. Ask yourself if you would be happy with the proposed arrangements next year? If the answer is no, then maybe they should be reconsidered. 
      Stick to the plan
      This year may require a certain level of flexibility, but where possible, it is important that, whatever arrangements you come to, you both stick to the plan. 
      Last-minute changes can cause feelings of disruption and uncertainty for children. And, whilst flexibility is an essential part of positive child arrangements, it is important to maintain consistency and provide stability.
      Get advice early, if needed
      Christmas is chaotic and organising a co-parenting schedule on top of everything else is never going to be easy, especially if communication between you and your ex-partner is difficult. 
      If you are struggling this year, take advice from a family lawyer who can try to assist in negotiating an agreement. 
      If you cannot reach an agreement, mediation can help as the presence of a 3rd party often eases tensions and result in finding common ground. 
      Mediation is still taking place via video conferencing, and many of our clients have reported that it is easier than being in the same room as their former partner.
      Court proceedings are possible but should be used as a last resort, and, due to the current strain on courts from the pandemic, it is highly unlikely that you have any prospect of a contested hearing before Christmas. 
      Hopefully, these tips, combined with some careful planning, compromise and putting the children first,  will help you and your ex-partner move forward towards a harmonious Christmas.
      Get in touch 
      If you would like any advice on child arrangements during Christmas, or other family law issues, please do contact our Client Care Team to speak to one of our specialist divorce lawyers here. 
      This article was previously published and has since been updated.  More

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      in Children

      The best books to help children understand divorce

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      It is regularly quoted that close to 50% of marriages end in divorce, but for the families behind the statistics it is incredibly new and unsettling. For children, it can be an especially confusing and worrying time. Reading books about divorce and separation with your child is a helpful way to support them through divorce, explain what’s happening now and prepare for the future.
      By exploring the themes through the eyes of other children in age appropriate books they can better understand their circumstances and emotions, and feel reassured that they are not alone, it’s not that fault and that change can be for the better.
      I have seen the positive impact reading can have on children dealing with the divorce process. Here is a list of books that I have used when working with clients and their children:
      Books for older children (recommended 9+)
      The Suitcase Kid by Jacqueline Wilson
      When my parents split up they didn’t know what to do with me . . . My family always lived at Mulberry Cottage. Mum, Dad, me – and Radish, my Sylvanian rabbit. But now Mum lives with Bill the Baboon and his three kids. Dad lives with Carrie and her twins. And where do I live? I live out of a suitcase. One week with Mum’s new family, one week with Dad’s.
      Deals with: having two homes, blended families
      Goggle Eyes by Anne Fine
      Kitty Killin is not only a good storyteller but also the World’s Greatest Expert when it comes to mothers having new and unwanted boyfriends. Particularly when there’s a danger they might turn into new and unwanted stepfathers…
      Deals with: new partners, step-parents
      Mum, Dad Can You Hear Me? By Despina Mavridou
      Irene, is a 10-year-old girl whose parents are getting a divorce. In the midst of her confusion and helplessness, Irene turns to her diary to express her feelings and better process her parents’ divorce. With the help of her grandmother and her teddy bear she finds a way to make her parents listen to her.
      Deals with: expressing emotions
      Clean Break by Jacqueline Wilson
      Em adores her funny, glamorous dad – who cares if he’s not her real father? He’s wonderful to her, and to her little brother Maxie and sister Vita. True to form at Christmas, Dad gives them fantastic presents, including a real emerald ring for his little Princess Em.
      Unfortunately, he’s got another surprise in store – he’s leaving them. Will Dad’s well-meaning but chaotic attempts to keep seeing Em and the other children help the family come to terms with this new crisis? Or would they be better off with a clean break – just like Em’s arm?
      Deals with: rejection, absence, step-parents
      It’s not the end of the world by Judy Blume
      Karen’s parents have always argued, and lately, they’ve been getting worse. But when her father announces that they’re going to get divorced, it seems as if Karen’s whole world will fall apart. Her brother, Jeff, blames their mum. Her kid sister, Amy, asks impossible questions and is scared that everyone she loves is going to leave. Karen just wants her parents to get back together. Gradually, she learns that this isn’t going to happen – and realizes that divorce is not the end of the world.
      Deals with: family conflict and separation
      Books for younger children (recommended 3-8 yrs)
      Mum and Dad Glue by Kes Gray
      A little boy tries to find a pot of parent glue to stick his mum and dad back together. His parents have come undone and he wants to mend their marriage, stick their smiles back on and make them better. This rhyming story is brilliantly told with a powerful message that even though his parents may be broken, their love for him is not.
      Deals with: coming to terms with parents’ separation
      Where Did You Go Today? By Jenny Duke
      A little girl goes to the park with her dad and has a fantastic time climbing, swinging and sliding: the play transports her to imaginary locations, like sliding down a snowy mountain, sailing on a roundabout ship out to sea and racing on a camel in the desert while bouncing on her ride-on playground animal. Finally, it’s time for dad to take her home and say a cheerful goodbye to her and mum.
      Deals with: paternal separation
      The Family Fairies by Rosemary Lucas
      Rosemary’s primary aim was to provide the foundations for other adoptive families to help explain their own remarkable journeys… storytelling to help children understand that families come together in different ways.
      Deals with: the adoption process

      The Invisible String offers a very simple and reassuring approach to overcoming loneliness, separation, or loss with an imaginative twist that children easily understand.
      Deals with: separation anxiety, reassurance
      Two Homes by Claire Masurel
      In this award-winning picture book classic about divorce, Alex has two homes – a home where Daddy lives and a home where Mummy lives. Alex has two front doors, two bedrooms and two very different favourite chairs. He has a toothbrush at Mummy’s and a toothbrush at Daddy’s. But whether Alex is with Mummy or Daddy, one thing stays the same: Alex is loved by them both – always. This gently reassuring story focuses on what is gained rather than what is lost when parents divorce, while the sensitive illustrations, depicting two unique homes in all their small details, firmly establish Alex’s place in both of them. Two Homes will help children – and parents – embrace even the most difficult of changes with an open and optimistic heart.
      Deals with: parents’ separation, moving between two homes
      The Great Big Book of Families by Mary Hoffman
      What is a family? Once, it was said to be a father, mother, boy, girl, cat and dog living in a house with a garden. But as times have changed, families have changed too, and now there are almost as many kinds of families as colours of the rainbow – from a mum and dad or single parent to two mums or two dads, from a mixed-race family to children with different mums and dads, to families with a disabled member. This is a fresh, optimistic look through children’s eyes at today’s wide variety of family life: from homes, food, ways of celebrating, schools and holidays to getting around, jobs and housework, from extended families, languages and hobbies to pets and family trees.
      Deals with: change in family dynamics, non-traditional families

      Mum and Dad don’t live together any more. so sometimes this little girl lives with her mum and her cat. and sometimes she lives with her dad. She has two bedrooms and two sets of toys. but she takes her favourite toys with her wherever she goes.
      Deals with: parents’ separation, moving between two homes
      Books for very young children (2+)
      I’ll never let you go by Smriti Prasadam-Halls
      When you aren’t sure, you’ll feel me near,When you are scared, I will be here.When you are high, when you are low,I’ll be holding your hand and I’ll never let go.
      A tender and heartfelt picture book. With reassuring words offering a message of unconditional love, and illustrations bursting with exuberance, warmth and humour.
      Deals with: comfort and reassurance
      Living with mum and living with dad: my two homes
      Mum and Dad don’t live together any more, so sometimes this little girl lives with her mum and her cat, and sometimes she lives with her dad. She has two bedrooms and two sets of toys, but she takes her favourite toys with her wherever she goes. This simple, warm, lift-the-flap book with bold and colourful illustrations is a reassuring representation of separation for the youngest children. Melanie Walsh is sympathetically alive to the changes in routine that are familiar to many children who live with separate parents and are loved by both.
      Deals with: moving between homes, changes to routine
      The Family Book by Todd Parr
      Some families have two moms or two dads. Some families have one parent instead of two. Some families live in a house by themselves. Some families share a house with other families. All families can help each other be strong!
      The Family Book celebrates families and all the different varieties they come in. Whether they’re big or small, look alike or different, have a single parent or two, Todd Parr assures readers that every family is special in its own unique way.
      Deals with: looking at different kinds of families
      Guess how much I love you by Sam McBratney
      Sometimes, when you love someone very, very much, you want to find a way of describing how much you treasure them. But, as Little Nutbrown Hare and Big Nutbrown Hare discover, love is not always an easy thing to measure. The story of Little and Big Nutbrown Hares’ efforts to express their love for each other.
      Deals with: comfort and reassurance
      Useful links:
      The Book Trust: Best children’s books to help talk about divorce and separation
      Get in touch
      If you need support and advice on getting a divorce, please do get in touch with our Client Care Team at the details below or make an online enquiry More

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      in Family Law

      Five misconceptions of no-fault divorce 

      by

      After years of campaigning to remove the need to blame one party when divorcing, the Divorce, Dissolution and Separation Bill gained Royal assent in June 2020, reforming divorce law in England and Wales, and paving the way for no-fault divorce.
      With the introduction of no-fault divorce planned for the 6th April 2022, Stowe Solicitor Hannah Stubbs shares the most common misconceptions and explains what it means for couples who will divorce in 2022 and beyond.
      Five misconceptions of no-fault divorce 
      The introduction of no-fault divorce, due to arrive in the UK in April 2022, will be the largest shake-up of divorce law since it began and will impact the entire divorce process. 
      But what do the actual changes mean for people getting divorced? I have already heard many misconceptions and myths circulating about no-fault divorce. 
      This article will help dispel some of them and answer the questions surrounding this change. 
      One: The “blame game” is completely over.
      Not entirely. Under the new law, couples can divorce without citing blame. However, they can still cite one of the five current facts for a marriage breakdown (behaviour, adultery, five-year separation, two-year separation with consent, desertion).  
      In practice, this means that people will no longer need to prove conduct or fault of the other party as grounds for divorce, but they can do if that is the route they want to take. 
      From my experience with clients, I think that many couples will now choose to divorce without blame, and we will see a large reduction in the use of the other five facts.  
      Two: A no-fault divorce is a “quickie” divorce.
      Actually, no – despite the media reports, a no-fault divorce is not a “quickie divorce” by any means. 
      Currently, the only set ‘cooling’ off period in the divorce process is that once the decree nisi is pronounced, you have to wait six weeks and one day before applying for the decree absolute. 
      Under the new system, people will now be required to wait for twenty weeks from filing their divorce petition before being able to proceed with an application for a conditional order (currently known as the decree nisi). 
      Once the twenty-week period is up, the applicant will need to confirm to the court that they wish to proceed; without this, the divorce will not move forward.
      This period has been included to provide parties with a period of reflection to try and work on any issues that may stop the relationship from breaking down. 
      It is currently estimated that a “standard” (uncontested) divorce process can take anywhere between six to eight months, and it is expected that despite the changes, cases are likely to take a similar amount of time,  not quicker. 
      Three: No-fault divorce will be cheaper
      Not necessarily. When parties remain amicable, the case is less likely to have delays due to disagreement and, therefore, will cost less. However, removing blame from the process does not automatically mean the case will be shorter and less expensive. Remaining amicable and having a clear idea of any financial settlement and child arrangement details from the beginning will help manage costs. 
      Four: Only one person can make the divorce application
      Currently, when one person is responsible for filing the petition, this automatically indicates there is someone to blame as the “Petitioner” has to prove there has been an irretrievable breakdown. However, choosing a no-fault divorce will allow couples to be co-applicants of the divorce petition, jointly applying for divorce.  
      Five: No-fault divorce is just about the removal of blame
      No – the new law will also bring some key changes to divorce terminology in England and Wales. 
      Currently, the person making the divorce application is known as the “Petitioner”, and the other party is known as the “Respondent”. This will change when the new law is introduced, when “Petitioner” will be changed to “Applicant”. This change in terminology is designed to remove the assumption of blame simply because one party is filing the petition and the other person isn’t.
      The new divorce process will still involve the two stages of decree nisi and decree absolute, but these names will also change. The decree nisi will become a ‘conditional order of divorce’, and the decree absolute will become the ‘final order of divorce’.
      So, is it worth waiting for a no-fault divorce?
      It is an interesting question and one that family lawyers are being asked a lot. The answer is not that straightforward, as it really does depend on the circumstances of the case. 
      For some, when considering the benefit of filing for divorce where there is no fault, and no fault has to be attributed, it’s worth the wait to April 2022. However, if people want to move forward with separation without unnecessary delay, parties can still elect to file a divorce petition on one or more of the existing grounds for divorce. 
      The new reforms will be introduced on 6 April 2022 and will apply to onward divorce petitions. Existing divorce petitions before the Court (i.e. filed before 6 April 2022) will remain live and will not need to be amended or refiled. 
      It is important to keep in mind that there is likely to be an influx of divorce petitions in April 2022 on the ground of no-fault divorce, and it is unknown whether there may be some delays in the court process because it has never been done before.
      Get in touch
      If you would like advice on no-fault divorce, you can contact our dedicated Client Care Team today to speak to one of our specialist family lawyers. More

    • 63 Shares149 Views

      in Family Law

      Four misconceptions of no-fault divorce 

      by

      After years of campaigning to remove the need to blame one party when divorcing, the Divorce, Dissolution and Separation Bill gained Royal assent in June 2020, reforming divorce law in England and Wales, and paving the way for no-fault divorce.
      With the introduction of no-fault divorce planned for the 6th April 2022, Stowe Solicitor Hannah Stubbs shares the most common misconceptions and explains what it means for couples who will divorce in 2022 and beyond.
      Four misconceptions of no-fault divorce 
      The introduction of no-fault divorce, due to arrive in the UK in April 2022, will be the largest shake-up of divorce law since it began and will impact the entire divorce process. 
      But what do the actual changes mean for people getting divorced? I have already heard many misconceptions and myths circulating about no-fault divorce. 
      This article will help dispel some of them and answer the questions surrounding this change. 
      One: A no-fault divorce is a “quickie” divorce.
      Actually, no – despite the media reports, a no-fault divorce is not a “quickie divorce” by any means. 
      Currently, the only set ‘cooling’ off period in the divorce process is that once the decree nisi is pronounced, you have to wait six weeks and one day before applying for the decree absolute. 
      Under the new system, people will now be required to wait for twenty weeks from filing their divorce petition before being able to proceed with an application for a conditional order (currently known as the decree nisi). 
      Once the twenty-week period is up, the applicant will need to confirm to the court that they wish to proceed; without this, the divorce will not move forward.
      This period has been included to provide parties with a period of reflection to try and work on any issues that may stop the relationship from breaking down. 
      It is currently estimated that a “standard” (uncontested) divorce process can take anywhere between six to eight months, and it is expected that despite the changes, cases are likely to take a similar amount of time,  not quicker. 
      Two: No-fault divorce will be cheaper
      Not necessarily. When parties remain amicable, the case is less likely to have delays due to disagreement and, therefore, will cost less. However, removing blame from the process does not automatically mean the case will be shorter and less expensive. Remaining amicable and having a clear idea of any financial settlement and child arrangement details from the beginning will help manage costs. 
      Three: Only one person can make the divorce application
      Currently, when one person is responsible for filing the petition, this automatically indicates there is someone to blame as the “Petitioner” has to prove there has been an irretrievable breakdown. However, choosing a no-fault divorce will allow couples to be co-applicants of the divorce petition, jointly applying for divorce.  
      Four No-fault divorce is just about the removal of blame
      No – the new law will also bring some key changes to divorce terminology in England and Wales. 
      Currently, the person making the divorce application is known as the “Petitioner”, and the other party is known as the “Respondent”. This will change when the new law is introduced, when “Petitioner” will be changed to “Applicant”. This change in terminology is designed to remove the assumption of blame simply because one party is filing the petition and the other person isn’t.
      The new divorce process will still involve the two stages of decree nisi and decree absolute, but these names will also change. The decree nisi will become a ‘conditional order of divorce’, and the decree absolute will become the ‘final order of divorce’.
      So, is it worth waiting for a no-fault divorce?
      It is an interesting question and one that family lawyers are being asked a lot. The answer is not that straightforward, as it really does depend on the circumstances of the case. 
      For some, when considering the benefit of filing for divorce where there is no fault, and no fault has to be attributed, it’s worth the wait to April 2022. However, if people want to move forward with separation without unnecessary delay, parties can still elect to file a divorce petition on one or more of the existing grounds for divorce. 
      The new reforms will be introduced on 6 April 2022 and will apply to onward divorce petitions. Existing divorce petitions before the Court (i.e. filed before 6 April 2022) will remain live and will not need to be amended or refiled. 
      It is important to keep in mind that there is likely to be an influx of divorce petitions in April 2022 on the ground of no-fault divorce, and it is unknown whether there may be some delays in the court process because it has never been done before.
      Get in touch
      If you would like advice on no-fault divorce, you can contact our dedicated Client Care Team today to speak to one of our specialist family lawyers. More

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      in Children

      Making arrangements for children during Christmas

      by

      Child arrangements during Christmas
      After the past two years, time with loved ones has never felt so important, but for separated parents Christmas can be a time of tension, as plans need to be agreed about where and how children will spend the festive season. So how do you agree on arrangements for children during Christmas?
      We asked our Regional Director for Yorkshire, Rachel Roberts, to share her advice on child arrangements during Christmas.
      Child arrangements and Christmas
      As we approach Christmas, we see a flurry of clients getting in touch for help to try and resolve arrangements for the festive season. 
      Before I turn to my tips on how best to manage arrangements, there are a couple of key points from the Government and family law sector that are certainly at the forefront of my mind when advising clients.
      Last year, a leading family judge made it clear that parties should only be bringing disputes over children to court where absolutely necessary. The judge went on to criticise parents for asking the court to micro-manage children arrangements. The view from the court is clear – where possible you should be sorting these things out yourself.
      The Government have said that further lockdowns are unlikely and have been clear that restrictions do not prevent children from moving between separated parents, provided they are not self-isolating. 
      It seems unlikely that this will change, and CAFCASS (the government body that advises the court on children disputes) has stressed the need for children to maintain their usual routine.
      All that said, it is naive to think that difficulties will not arise, and the following guidance may help avoid unhappiness at Christmas.
      Tips for making child arrangements during Christmas 
      Preparation is key
      With the added uncertainty of another Christmas during the pandemic, trying to put in place arrangements for Christmas in advance is tricky.
      If you do not have plans in place, now is the time to start. Talk to your ex-partner and agree on arrangements that work for you all.
      Some clients I have worked with agreed that the children would spend Christmas Eve at one home and then return to the other for lunch on Christmas Day.
      Other clients decided that they would spend the whole festive period with one parent and the next year spend it with the other, alternating between the two.
      It is a personal choice based on what works for your family, but also the age of the children, location and how amicable you are.
      Be prepared to be flexible as plans may need to change. 
      Focus on the children 
      First and foremost, put the children at the heart of the plans you make. A different type of Christmas can still be a good Christmas. Talk about the positive: two Christmas Days, two sets of presents etc.
      Make sure you share your plans with the children. Depending on the age of the children, ask them what they would like? Older children need to feel they have a voice. 
      Once in place, sharing plans with the children means they know where they will be throughout the holiday, and the routine will make them feel safe and secure.
      Creating a visual plan can help as dates can be difficult for a child to understand. One client created a Christmas themed wall planner for their younger children. A tech-savvy teenager may prefer a joint Google calendar.
      Be fair to the other parent
      If this is your first year as a separated parent, this will all feel very raw and difficult. It is likely that you will both be dreading not spending Christmas entirely with your children. 
      Even though it can be difficult, try to think about the impact of any plans on your former partner. Ask yourself if you would be happy with the proposed arrangements next year? If the answer is no, then maybe they should be reconsidered. 
      Stick to the plan
      This year may require a certain level of flexibility, but where possible, it is important that, whatever arrangements you come to, you both stick to the plan. 
      Last-minute changes can cause feelings of disruption and uncertainty for children. And, whilst flexibility is an essential part of positive child arrangements, it is important to maintain consistency and provide stability.
      Get advice early, if needed
      Christmas is chaotic and organising a co-parenting schedule on top of everything else is never going to be easy, especially if communication between you and your ex-partner is difficult. 
      If you are struggling this year, take advice from a family lawyer who can try to assist in negotiating an agreement. 
      If you cannot reach an agreement, mediation can help as the presence of a 3rd party often eases tensions and result in finding common ground. 
      Mediation is still taking place via video conferencing, and many of our clients have reported that it is easier than being in the same room as their former partner.
      Court proceedings are possible but should be used as a last resort, and, due to the current strain on courts from the pandemic, it is highly unlikely that you have any prospect of a contested hearing before Christmas. 
      Hopefully, these tips, combined with some careful planning, compromise and putting the children first,  will help you and your ex-partner move forward towards a harmonious Christmas.
      Get in touch 
      If you would like any advice on child arrangements during Christmas, or other family law issues, please do contact our Client Care Team to speak to one of our specialist divorce lawyers here. 
      This article was first published in 2018 and has since been updated.  More