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      in Family Law

      How to manage the Cost-of-Christmas Crisis

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      It’s the most wonderful time of the year!
      But it’s also one of the most expensive.
      The Cost of Christmas Crisis, as it has been coined, is taking its toll again this year. Recent research from easymoney has revealed that people are cutting down on their Christmas spending this year, as the cost-of-living crisis has an ongoing impact. 59% of us are looking to make cuts this year, with 55% of respondents stating that whilst they usually have an extra savings pot put aside for Christmas, they have saved less than planned.
      Financial Planner Jodie Phelps has put together some top tips on how to manage your money in the Cost of Christmas Crisis when the purse strings are tighter than ever.

      Be aware of the potential for emotional spending during the holidays. Stay mindful of your emotions and instead of using retail therapy as a coping mechanism write a list of other things you enjoy doing so when you feel yourself about to spend do the other things on your list instead (eg. take a bath, go for a run, call a friend)
      BUT, recognise the emotional challenges that may arise during the holidays and prioritise self-care; allocate budget for activities that bring you joy and contribute to your well-being
      Develop a budget that reflects your changed financial circumstances and keep track of your spending
      Create a list of people you want to buy gifts for and allocate a specific amount for each person
      Consider creative and thoughtful gifts that don’t necessarily have to be expensive (eg. photo collages, scrap books, experiences). Remember, the holidays are about spending time with loved ones and creating meaningful memories, not just about the gifts.
      If you have a large family or friend group, consider setting limits on the amount spent on gifts or participating in a Secret Santa
      Plan your holiday meals in advance and create a shopping list. This can help you avoid last-minute, impulse food purchases/takeaways
      Be mindful of impulse purchases, especially when faced with holiday sales and promotions
      Look for discounts, compare prices, and consider using cashback or price-tracking tools to find the best deals
      After the holidays, review your spending and assess what worked well and what didn’t. Use this information to plan for the next holiday season.
      Make a note of your Christmas pay date when budgeting, as it’s usually earlier in December. Plan for the long stretch between Christmas pay day and January pay day
      Start saving a monthly amount for next Christmas so that next year you have money allocated for you to enjoy Christmas.

      You can find out more about Jodie on her LinkedIn.
      Relationship Tensions
      Financial tensions are a huge driver in divorce enquiries, and in a survey that we conducted, 60% of respondents said that the crisis was negatively affecting their relationship.
      If you do find that tensions around money build between you and your partner around this time of year, here are some suggestions on how to safeguard your relationship at Christmas. It’s important to remember that Christmas does not cause divorce and relationship breakdown. However, it can expose pre-existing issues, so getting to the root of the problem is very important.
      Stowe Solicitor Abi Jones has some top tips on reducing tensions around the festive season:

      Communicate – communication is central to healthy relationships and talking through your worries with your partner can help to alleviate pressure
      Lean on friends or family members outside of your relationship for support if needed
      Figure out where your priorities are, and if they are different to your partner’s
      If you have differing priorities, try to compromise and find where your middle ground lies
      Consider speaking to a financial planner or another professional – you can find our recommended partners in our Divorce Directory
      Try to focus on the positives, even if they seem insignificant. Small changes can make big differences over time
      Come up with interesting ways to celebrate this time of year together without the pressure of money
      Try to have some time together. Christmas can be a very busy time so spending time with each other is essential. It does not have to be big or expensive. It could be as simple as having a movie night together when the children are in bed.

      First Christmas After Separation
      Abi discusses how to manage your first Christmas after separation.
      It may be that this is your first Christmas after divorce or relationship breakdown. If this is the case, you may be more worried about money than you usually are as you may well have gone from a dual income household to single income. Not only this, but the routine and traditions of the day may also suddenly be different.

      Create experiences, rather than physical gifts
      Downsize your giving
      Use second-hand website such as Vinted or ebay
      Do Secret Santa instead of buying gifts for everyone
      Make home-made gifts
      Keep the celebrations small
      Don’t be tempted by payday loans, as this may cause more issues later on
      If you have young children, toy appeals may be available. Certain charities have toy appeals where individuals can donate toys which are then distributed between families
      Try not to compare your Christmas to others, either of your past or other people’s
      Manage the expectations of any children – let them know that change is normal but ensure they are informed of what changes, scheduling, what will be happening, where and when.

      Remember that Christmas is one day. There is a great deal of pressure for Christmas Day to be perfect, but it is just one day in the year.
      Think about how you want to spend your Christmas. Would you like to spend it with a friend, with family or even alone. This is an opportunity to make new traditions.
      Lastly, Christmas does not necessarily have to take place on 25th December. If this is the first year you do not have the children after going through a divorce or separation you can always pause your Christmas until the day after or have it before.
      Useful Links
      Financial Wellbeing with Jodie Phelps or watch on YouTube
      Surviving Christmas after Separation
      Child arrangements at Christmas
      Christmas alone with divorce and break-up coach Claire Macklin
      Budgeting solo during a cost-of-living crisis: Listen on Spotify or Watch on YouTube
      Supporting children through divorce: Listen on Spotify More

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      in Children

      November Stowe Support roundup

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      Stowe Support is a dedicated home for Stowe’s free resources designed to help inform and support anyone with family law concerns.
      With new blogs, guides, podcasts, videos and events shared each month, here’s a handy Stowe Support roundup from the past month in case you missed anything.
      Here’s your monthly roundup of Stowe Support resources in case you missed anything.
      Latest blogs from Stowe
      Divorce finances: How DIY divorce can backfire
      What is a Financial Settlement and How Does It Work?
      Blended families and stepparents: A beginners guide
      Unique Challenges of LGBTQIA+ Divorce
      I’m not the ‘breadwinner’ in my divorce
      How do separated parents split Christmas?
      Watch recent webinars
      Cardiff Break Up Club: Surviving Christmas after separation
      Stowe talks 23/24: Parenting alongside a narcissist with Dr Supriya McKenna
      Listen to Stowe talks podcasts on Spotify

      Stowe Support
      To explore our full range of resources dedicated to helping people with family law matters, visit Stowe Support.
      Here you’ll find a wealth of helpful guides, videos and blogs on divorce and separation, finances, children, domestic abuse, cohabitation, alternative parenting, mediation, as well as support with relationships and wellness. More

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      in Children

      Introducing Stowe talks podcast series 4

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      Stowe talks podcast
      Series 4 of Stowe talks podcast and videos series has begun. 
      As ever, in each episode hosts Liza and Matt are joined by a special guest to explore a specific topic in detail.
      Alongside our expert guests, in Stowe talks series 4 we explore:

      Parenting alongside a narcissist
      The dangers of DIY divorce
      How to prepare for your financial settlement
      Supporting teenagers through divorce
      Prenups, postnups and petnups
      The unique challenges of a relationship break down in the LGBTQIA+ community
      Creating financial wellbeing following separation
      Supporting male victims of domestic abuse
      Building your family through surrogacy.

      The latest episodes
      Series 4 of Stowe talks begins with ‘Parenting alongside a narcissist’, a 2-part conversation with renowned narcissist expert Dr Supriya McKenna.
      Building on our previous episodes, in part one Dr Supriya starts by explaining what narcissistic personality disorder is and how this manifests in their behaviour, especially during divorce and parenting.
      We then continue the conversation in part two, looking at learning to manage the narcissist behaviour, how to best support your children, dealing with legal and financial abuse, the family court, and learning how to raise the threshold of what triggers you.
      Quick links
      Listen to Stowe talks on spotify
      Watch Stow talks on YouTube More

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      in Children

      Blended families and stepparents: A beginners guide

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      On average, marriages in England and Wales last little over 12 years at the time of divorce. But as people find love again after divorce or separation, blended families are created and family dynamics evolve.
      It’s now estimated that 1 in 3 families in the UK are a blended family, also known as stepfamily.
      In fact, in contrast to traditional stepfamily stereotypes, the narrative of blended families has transformed – even King Charles III is a member of a blended family.
      For many couples, divorce can mark the beginning of a happier new era for them and their children.
      Knowing how to make a blended family work can take time and effort but fuelled by love, the choices made by separated parents can transform a family structure.
      What is a blended family?
      Blended families are created when a couple begin a new life together with their children from one, or both, of their previous relationships.
      What’s behind the increase in blended families?
      Divorce rates are on the rise meaning more people starting new relationships are divorced, with children.
      For example, the latest ONS marriage statistics released in 2022 show that over 32% of marriages include at least one partner who is remarrying. Of course, these figures can’t track the number of couples where one or both partners have previously been in an unmarried relationship.
      Still, it’s understood there are at least 1.1 million children in England and Wales who live in a blended stepfamily.
      Becoming a blended family
      While a positive experience for many, often the most significant concerns when forming a blended family are the integration of new family members and changes to living arrangements.
      Or, perhaps it’s more the reactions of each family member to these inevitable changes, and the emotions they bring, that pose the greatest challenges.
      While parents can appreciate the benefits of becoming a blended family and visualise what their stepfamily homelife could look like in the future, the children may struggle to share that vision. For them it can feel like a huge amount of change, affecting fundamental aspects of their lives, over which they have no control.
      As with any changes, some will take them in their stride, and others will need a greater degree of support and encouragement.
      Introducing a new partner
      Gradually making children aware of a new partner and giving plenty of notice when and how things will change is vital.
      This begins with establishing the right time and approach for introducing a new partner to children, and meeting future stepchildren if their partner also has children.
      Whatever the child’s age, it’s a good idea to prepare them ahead of introductions and offer them a sense of control over the situation. Having some level of control, even if only perceived control, allows us to deal with potentially upsetting or uncomfortable events more effectively.
      Challenges for children of blended families
      There’s a lot for children of blended families to take in. Maybe they’ve come to terms with their parent’s separation, and now there’s more change on the horizon.
      They must navigate the complexities of having stepparents, possibly step-siblings, and even step-grandparents, potentially forging multiple new relationships.
      Sharing loved ones, a home, and belongings with new members of the family can understandably raise worries and negative feelings and behaviour.
      Furthermore, the shift in family roles and responsibilities can become a source of tension, with two sets of parents each with different parenting styles, rules, and routines.
      Harmonising these differences and treating everyone fairly isn’t easy.
      How can I help my blended family succeed?

      Groundwork: It’s beneficial to do plenty of groundwork ahead of any changes to your family to help children process and adapt. Take your time and explain things clearly and openly.
      Communication: Telling children about changes in their living arrangements is a crucial step. Be upfront about what will change and when, and encourage children to ask questions and share any concerns.
      Tact: Handling the integration of new family members and routines delicately and with patience will help avoid unnecessary stress.
      Togetherness: Fostering a sense of unity within blended families can help, through identifying common ground, enjoying shared activities, and establishing new traditions when the time is right.
      Age appropriate: While younger children may adapt more readily, older children and teenagers may find the changes more difficult. Recognising these differences will help you provide the right support for each child’s needs.
      Belonging: Reassuring the child of their central place in the blended family will strengthen relationships and bolster their sense of belonging.
      Regularly connect: Ensure you also give your child one-on-one time where they have your undivided attention to reinforce how much you love and value them. Where it’s safe and appropriate, maintaining a sound connection with the non-residential parent is also important for a child’s well-being.
      Be consistent: Within reason, upholding pre-existing rules and traditions while gradually incorporating new ones helps create a stable environment. This steadiness offers children a sense of security during change.

      Legal considerations for blended families
      When couples create a blended family after separation or divorce it’s worth considering how they can protect their interests for whatever lies ahead.
      Couples who live together but are unmarried may be interested in finding out more about how Cohabitation Agreements can set out agreements regarding finances and children.
      Similarly, couples who are planning to remarry, might benefit from knowing how a prenuptial agreement can offer some financial protection for theirs and their children’s future in the event of divorce.
      With the right approach blended families offer the opportunity for a new beginning and a bigger and more diverse family network. Although evolving family structures demand flexibility, understanding, and effective communication, the rewards could last a lifetime.
      Useful links
      How to successfully co-parent
      Adopting a stepchild
      Stowe talks – How to co-parent calmly and navigate the challenges of blended families with Tom Nash More

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      in Family Law

      October Stowe Support roundup

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      Stowe Support is a dedicated home for Stowe’s free resources designed to help inform and support anyone with family law concerns.
      With new blogs, guides, podcasts, videos and events shared each month, here’s a handy Stowe Support roundup from the past month in case you missed anything.
      Here’s your monthly roundup of Stowe Support resources in case you missed anything.
      Latest blogs from Stowe
      What is financial wellbeing?
      World Mental Health Day: wellbeing during divorce
      Labour announce commitment to cohabitation reform
      Adopting a stepchild
      World Menopause Day
      Islamic divorce in the UK
      What happens if I’m separated but not divorced?
      What to do if you think your marriage is over
      Book your free webinar place
      Cardiff Break Up Club – Surviving Christmas after separation
      Stowe Talks – How to build a happy blended family with Nichole Farrow
      Watch recent webinars
      Stowe Talks – Creating financial wellbeing following divorce or separation
      Listen to Stowe talks podcasts on Spotify
      Our next series of Stowe talks podcast will be launched soon.
      In the mean time, you can click to catch up on previous episodes and follow us!
      Stowe Support
      To explore our full range of resources dedicated to helping people with family law matters, visit Stowe Support.
      Here you’ll find a wealth of helpful guides, videos and blogs on divorce and separation, finances, children, domestic abuse, cohabitation, alternative parenting, mediation, as well as support with relationships and wellness. More

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      in Children

      September Stowe Support roundup

      by

      Stowe Support is a dedicated home for Stowe’s free resources designed to help inform and support anyone with family law concerns.
      With new blogs, guides, podcasts, videos and events shared each month, here’s a handy Stowe Support roundup from the past month in case you missed anything.
      Here’s your monthly roundup of Stowe Support resources in case you missed anything.
      Latest blogs:
      Separating after the summer holidays
      My ex and I can’t agree on our child’s school
      Dealing with Post-Separation Abuse
      Divorce talks – Tips for respectful discussions with your ex
      What happens to the children if me and my ex want to live in two different countries?
      Book your free webinar place
      Stowe talks – Creating financial wellbeing following separation
      How to build a happy blended family with Nichole Farrow
      Watch recent webinars
      Finding the unexpected joy of heartbreak with Rosie Wilby
      Listen to Stowe talks podcasts on Spotify:
      Our next series of Stowe talks podcast will be launched soon.
      In the mean time, you can click to catch up on previous episodes and follow us!
      Stowe Support
      To explore our full range of resources dedicated to helping people with family law matters, visit Stowe Support.
      Here you’ll find a wealth of helpful guides, videos and blogs on divorce and separation, finances, children, domestic abuse, cohabitation, alternative parenting, mediation, as well as support with relationships and wellness. More

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      in Children

      August Stowe Support roundup

      by

      Stowe Support is a dedicated home for Stowe’s free resources designed to help inform and support anyone with family law concerns.
      With new blogs, guides, podcasts, videos and events shared each month, here’s a handy Stowe Support roundup from the past month in case you missed anything.
      Here’s your monthly roundup of Stowe Support resources in case you missed anything.
      Latest blogs:
      Economic abuse in financial remedy proceedings
      Tips for healing after divorce
      Britney, divorce and renegotiating prenups
      How to successfully co-parent
      Why is September a popular month for divorce?
      Book your free webinar place
      Stowe talks – Finding the unexpected joy of heartbreak with Rosie Wilby
      Stowe talks – Creating financial wellbeing following separation with Jodie Phelps
      Listen to Stowe talks podcasts on Spotify:
      Our next series of Stowe talks podcast will be launched soon.
      But you can click to catch up on previous episodes and follow us!
      Stowe Support
      To explore our full range of resources dedicated to helping people with family law matters, visit Stowe Support.
      Here you’ll find a wealth of helpful guides, videos and blogs on divorce and separation, finances, children, domestic abuse, cohabitation, alternative parenting, mediation, as well as support with relationships and wellness. More

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      in Children

      7 tips for co-parenting through the summer

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      Are you and your ex struggling to agree a schedule for the summer holidays?
      The long school summer break is drawing closer and if you haven’t already, it’s likely you’ll soon begin forming a plan to co-parent through the summer.
      The school holidays can be stressful for any family as parents juggle childcare, work schedules, and holiday plans. However, when you are trying to agree plans with your co-parent, following divorce or separation, things can quickly become complex and emotions can run high.
      Here break-up and divorce coach Claire Macklin shares seven tips for co-parenting success during the holidays.
      1. Plan ahead with your co-parent
      Don’t avoid or delay raising the subject, especially if you know it might be tricky to arrange. Bite the bullet and put forward your proposal. If communication is difficult, write an email with a clear proposal of plans and dates – and keep it calm, to the point and polite.
      2. Know what you want your relationship to look like in 1 year/5 years
      Consider what you’d like your relationship with your ex-partner to look like in the future. Are you on friendly terms with your ex, or would you be more comfortable with a distanced, but civil, relationship?
      Your vision can be a powerful reference point now as you navigate plans for the holidays. It can help to guide your words and actions and help you move towards the having relationship you want with your co-parent. Keep it in mind as you negotiate your summer plans to help you focus on the long-term goals. If your partner would be receptive to your vision, consider sharing it with them so that you’re aligned.
      If this is the first time you’ve had to negotiate holiday times, remember there will be other holidays in the years ahead. What you do now will set the tone for the years to come. How do you want to feel when you look back in 5 years’ time and you recall what you did and said?
      3. Take a helicopter view
      If you’re caught in a fight over the holidays, or there is an issue that is causing a problem, try this exercise and see what comes up for you.  Read it through from start to finish before you start, and perhaps ask a friend or your coach to go through it with you, for maximum benefit.
      First bring the issue to mind and summarise it in just a couple of sentences.

      What is your perspective? How do you feel? What do you want to achieve? What is important to you?

      Stand up and shake your body. Move into a different chair, or a different spot in the room.

      Imagine you are your ex. Really imagine being them, with their values, experiences, and views. What is your perspective? How do you feel? What do you want to achieve? What is important to you?

      Stand up again and shake your body.  Move again into a different chair or spot in the room.

      Imagine now that you are your child. Really feel into being them. What do they want? How do they feel?

      Stand up again and shake your body.

      Now imagine you are watching from a helicopter hovering overhead. You can clearly see and hear everything that you, your ex and your children have just said about how they feel. What do you notice? What one piece of advice would you give?

      Once you have stepped out of the helicopter, take a moment to take in all this information. How has your perspective shifted? What new insights have you gained? How could you use your new insights and perspective as you discuss your plans with your ex?
      4. Focus on what you can do, not what you can’t
      Perhaps you recognise some of these thoughts:

      There’s no way I can have a calm, measured conversation about the holidays with my ex
      I’m worried about spending longer than a few nights away from the children
      I feel angry that I am missing time with them
      I have no idea what I’ll do with myself while they’re away, and I’m dreading it.

      While they’re all understandable reactions, notice that all those thoughts focus on the negative, on the problem. What if you could refocus on looking for solutions?
      How would it feel if you focused on what you CAN do and CAN have, rather than on what you can’t?
      Take back the power and choose to reframe your feelings and consider the value of time. When you change the way you think, and the questions you ask, you can transform how you feel.
      Ask yourself questions like:

      What can I do in that time that I couldn’t do before?
      What have I always wanted to do and never had the time?
      Who do I know who handles co-parenting well? What can I learn from them?
      Who can I arrange to meet up with to have some childfree time?
      What do I love to do and enjoy? When could I do more of that?

      Be open to opportunities. When you shift your focus onto what you can do instead of what you can’t, you can change how you feel about the time you have away from the children, and this will positively impact your discussions with your ex.
      5. Make the time you do have count!
      Whether you’re going away or not, make the time you do share with your children count.
      Sit down with your children, and plan some fun, exciting things to do together over the holidays. One of my clients sat down one Saturday afternoon with his children, and they created a holiday bucket list of places to go, things to do, people they’d like to see.
      Use the questions above with your children and see what ideas they come up with. They don’t need to be extravagant, or expensive. Just having two or three plans you’re all looking forward to during the summer will give you opportunities for quality time with your children.
      6. Create and record your new memories
      When you enjoy the plans you’ve made together with your children, take lots of videos and photos. Create a photo book of all the things you have enjoyed doing together so you can look back on them in the future.
      7. Your children will follow your lead
      Children are incredibly perceptive and will take their cue from you. If you are stressed and negative, it’s likely they will be too. Anger and resentment may make them feel conflicted and anxious.
      The good news is that if you make the most of the situation, focus on the positives, and are open to trying new things, they will be too.
      When you demonstrate to your children that you can work out a schedule with their other parent while also planning some fun moments with them, you are setting a fantastic example that they will remember for years to come.
      Find out more
      Claire Macklin is a UK-based Divorce & Break-up Coach helping people to separate with dignity and strength and redefine life after divorce.
      For more advice about co-parenting through the summer and beyond, or to contact Claire. visit https://www.clairemacklincoaching.com/
      Get in touch
      For legal advice to assist with formalising plans between co-parents, child arrangements and other family law matters, contact our Client Care Team to speak to one of our specialist family lawyers.
      Useful links
      Child Arrangements Orders – what you need to know
      Travelling abroad with children after divorce FAQs More